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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Odd how so many cougars try and disguise themselves with leopard print.
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Twitter2 of 20
Getting "White Girl Wasted" means drinking too much then crying in the bathroom about how no one loves you.
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Twitter3 of 20
I really hope the girl in the porn I'm watching gets decent health insurance, because that cannot be good for her butt.
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Twitter4 of 20
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding.
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Twitter5 of 20
Say what you will about Stevie Nicks, but she made her ex-boyfriend sing and play guitar on songs she wrote about what an asshole he is.
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Twitter6 of 20
Okay, that's close enough, Tiny Dancer.
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Twitter7 of 20
I always want to be the friend you text under the table, not the boring asshole sitting across from you.
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Twitter8 of 20
What do we want? HEARING AIDS! When do we want them? WHAT?!
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Twitter9 of 20
How many boxes of these 'thin' mints do I have to eat before I finally start seeing some results?
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Twitter10 of 20
What I lack in looks, I makeup for.
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Twitter11 of 20
Be a fun girlfriend today! Text your man "happy father's day ;)" and then turn your phone off!
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Twitter12 of 20
Let's agree to cut the "I've only seen parts of it" crap and just admit we haven't seen the movie.
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Twitter13 of 20
MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn't stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.
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Twitter14 of 20
It's like that old Vegan saying; "You can't make an omelet."
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Twitter15 of 20
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
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Twitter16 of 20
*sips Muscle Milk* What's this? *reads carton* MISSING BRO: ANSWERS TO GUN SHOW OR ROB. LAST SEEN DOIN INSANE AMOUNTS OF LAT PULLS AT GOLD'S
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Twitter17 of 20
Most U-turns are preceded by a "fuck it."
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Twitter18 of 20
Short-list of the things Law & Order ruined for me: jogging in Central Park, taking a long walk by the East River, and autoerotic asphyxiation.
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Twitter19 of 20
almost hit a biker while I was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
"Hahaha nice" = "get me out of this conversation".