Childhood Dream Jobs That Were Ridiculous Ideas

Fireman

Speaking of, these guys have it rough. You think it's cool to slide down a pole, spray a hose and play with fire? It's a little more complicated when you get older and realize you probably won't be the guy driving the big red truck. Instead, you'll have to risk your life plowing into a burning building one day, and then risk your life again the next day climbing a tree to save a friggin' cat.

Although the amount of time off for putting in a couple hard days' work is nice, you're basically playing poor odds in a big city when you sit around hoping not to get burned alive. You could've had that cushy desk job getting paid more, but no, you wanted to be the hero climbing through burning drywall in his forties, hoping that the whole building wouldn't come down on you. Haven't you seen the show "Rescue Me"? This job is not all it's cracked up to be.

Astronaut

Hey, there's nothing wrong with being an astronaut. It's a good gig. Although, most of us are too stupid to know how it all works in space and we'd probably make our own heads explode when we decide to stick our necks out the window of a moving spacecraft to spit out our gum. There's also that good chance you just never come back. If the space shuttle doesn't explode on the way up, the spacecraft could run out of fuel once you get way out there. Or, one vital button could decide to quit working and nobody can get ahold of you on the little walkie-talkie. Face it, when you're on Earth's solid ground and Internet goes out, you have a panic attack. Good luck landing a spacecraft with no fuel and no one to guide you into the gate. It's all just way too horrifying. Young boy who wants to be an astronaut, you have a problem.

Ghostbuster

You're seven years old. You have the jumpsuit, backpack and traps already, so it makes sense. In fact, you have two jumpsuits because you wore the first one like it was a full-time job until the knees gave out, then you had your mother cover them up with mismatching denim patches.

Sure, the life of a Ghostbuster in Manhattan is glamorous and a total ladykiller, but in all honesty, the work has been a little slow since 1990. In fact, it's highly unlikely you'd get anything more than part-time gig without benefits to be laying your life on the line everyday. It's like an unpaid fireman that nobody is too sure of until that one day they do need you and you're too hungover to come in. Then, it's all ruined.

Bullfighter

I honestly thought being a bullfighter would be awesome when I was a kid. Now, I think anybody who walks in front of a charging bull with a colorful garment should be run over by said charging bull. Kids are stupid ... and so are adult bullfighters.

Ninja (Turtle)

The dream of being a Ninja Turtle was screwed when you finally accepted the reality that you were a regular human boy with 10 fingers and toes, but you still held onto the idea of being a ninja until you hit your late teens and found out about women, alcohol and college life.

Some guys don't outgrow this phase until their thirties, but by then, the physical constraint of not being able to run, jump or do more than five push-ups has made the task of getting over this childhood ambition pretty simple. Now you just go out behind the building of your part-time barista job and punch empty boxes of shitty coffee beans, letting out the grief of another missed ninja opportunity.

Baseball Player/Umpire

Anybody who ever watched "The Sandlot" thought they could be a regular schmo that could waltz into professional baseball and, with some of the terrible players and waning interest in the sport these days, your odds have never been better. Back then, you might have looked like a putz up against the home run sluggers, but now that everybody is testing for steroids, the playing field is leveled.

Of course, there are the problems of your vision going, your slight weight problem and when anybody throws something at you, you flinch and let it hit you in the head. Although it's not too far from baseball itself, you might want to stick to collecting the cards and chewing gum so you don't hurt yourself.

And if you had stupidly hoped of being an umpire, you were basically asking to get paid to have some asshole spit in your face on national television. And then you wouldn't even be allowed to bet on the games. What were you thinking, man?

Slash

What could be better than being a legendary rock guitarist? Well, not much, but once the record industry began to collapse, all these guys who couldn't turn on a computer, let alone send an email, were being forced to talk to people they don't know or care about on Twitter in order to keep them entertained, buying records and reminding people that they still exist.

And when they get loaded on pills and cheap vodka, they'll think it's funny posting a sexy twitpic, not realizing it's already been done by more than one failed politician, followed by failed attempts to delete that thin, bent wang in order to save face.

Life was easier when it was just sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Now, it's just dry handjobs, cough syrup and One Direction.

Clown

If you weren't terrified by them, you wanted to be one of them. However, it's becoming more and more difficult to find someone in need of a good clown...or even find a good clown. With the Internet, videos of kittens, breasts and prepubescent pop stars are making something as old-fashioned as a clown seem lame.

But (and it's a big but), if you are a clown with awesome, rocking breasts who has kitten tricks and might do a solid rendition of "Call Me Maybe," it might be best to strike while the iron is hot. Otherwise, your goofy laugh and face paint should remain in pedophile lockup, where it was last seen.

Power Ranger

Don't pretend like you didn't have ambitions of becoming one. Most of us were pretty sure at one point or another that we could easily beat the pants off the nerdy blue one, secretly knowing we really wanted to be the green one.

In the end, it turned out not to matter, since apparently none of it was real at all, and the people who worked on that show are hard-strapped for work, still selling t-shirts of themselves from the '90s out of their parents' garage and scrounging Craigslist for love, knowing they can never add a photo of themselves.

Plumber

There is no higher calling than being demanded at several people's homes, every day of your pathetic existence, each home with a leaky faucet someone is too lazy to fix or some massively disgusting problem that requires a full-body suit with a mask and rubber boots.

On top of that, everybody who needs a plumber is in a bad mood because they're in, literally, a shitty situation that requires such a service, so they're going to be pissy with you about the problem, the bill or the fact that you enjoy working with your buttcrack hanging out. Let it hang out, man, it's the only perk of the job.