This Week's 20 Most Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@duplicitron

If I were homeless I'd just stay in my sleeping bag until I turned into a butterfly.

@anhonestmess

When I die, I hope I go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, like all those people he sleepmurdered with his axes.

@laurencesmb

I am rubber you are glue, this is the worst roleplay idea you've ever had, Carol.

@TotallyAllen

My biggest pet peeve is when people use "ur" when they mean u'r."

@ieatanddrink

I believe that no one should make money off of their comedy, music, art, or writing and that everyone should work for AT&T or in a coal mine.

@joshfadem

Who the hell has time to pee? I usually do half in the toilet then finish on the way back to the couch.

@mattingebretson

Sitting alone in a romantic restaurant sobbing, sending back every bottle of wine, describing each one as being too "grapey."

@danCLYNE

COOL ENDZONE DANCE: Plant a tree, allow to grow, return as an old man, taste of tree's fruit, die underneath it.

@ChrisRRegan

When Mariah Carey's twins shriek and cry, do they point at the notes?

@robwhisman

Don't hate Robert Altman's 1992 satirical comedy "The Player," hate David Fincher's 1997 psychological thriller "The Game."

@iscoff

Game of Thrones reminds me of Twitter a lot because there are 140 characters and terrible things are constantly happening.

@AlexBorstein

Things we tolerate from babies that we don't from adults: Falling asleep while sucking on my titties.

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes a party?

@brendohare

If you are pregnant and you don't spin on your stomach like a top you are a good parent but an incredibly lame person. Choose your destiny.

@clarkekant

The sentence "I never said he licked my asshole" has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word.

@tastefactory

"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon.

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact.

@iRowlf

I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the fuck he was protecting his eyes from.