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Twitter1 of 20Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Grilled cheese is the sweatpants of food.
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Twitter2 of 20I feel like an asshole no matter how I pronounce pecan.
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Twitter3 of 20INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?"
ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."
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Twitter4 of 20'You have beautiful eyes," he said to the girl who had boobs for eyes.
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Clik here to view.Twitter5 of 20Dislikes: waterfalls. Likes: the rivers and the lakes that I'm use to.
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Clik here to view.Twitter6 of 20at one point, every man named Gary was a baby and was introduced by his parents as "This is my baby, Gary" how fucked up is that shit.
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Clik here to view.Twitter7 of 20Sorry, your password needs a number, a capital letter, and the name of the girl in kindergarten who kissed your leg and you were like whoa.
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Clik here to view.Twitter8 of 20"Where do you see yourself in five years?" - really mean prison guard
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Clik here to view.Twitter9 of 20You'd look at me and think "he probably played clarinet in high school" but you'd be wrong because I played Roller Coaster Tycoon.
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Clik here to view.Twitter10 of 20Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof.
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Clik here to view.Twitter11 of 20The 80's called they want your hair back. HAHAHA jk it was the police your wife has been a terrible car accident.
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Clik here to view.Twitter12 of 20Did I ever tell you guys about the time we asked our high school teacher what he'd name a racehorse and he said, without hesitation, "santa's boyfriend."
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Clik here to view.Twitter13 of 20Girl are you my punishment for building that illegal hydroelectricity plant? Because you are dam fine.
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Clik here to view.Twitter14 of 20The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago...on this very night.
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Clik here to view.Twitter15 of 20It's not Adam and Steve, it's Adam and [Cher autotune voice] beli-EVE *club goes crazy*
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Clik here to view.Twitter16 of 20You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you're all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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Clik here to view.Twitter17 of 20Say you go into work and there's a dog at your desk deleting your emails - How long do you let him do it before you're like 'ok dude, that's enough"
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Clik here to view.Twitter18 of 20I want to have the kind of sex that Kristen Stewart looks like she just barely survived.
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Clik here to view.Twitter19 of 20Seriously, soccer fans. You are watching jogging.
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Clik here to view.Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweetswars but instead of killing anyone or shooting bullets, you have to blow kisses really sincerely and catch as many as you can to win.
