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Why I Want To Kill You

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A lot of people make me pretty angry. And then there are these types of people, who make me mad enough to commit a homicide. So just in case you're wondering, here's why I want to kill you.

why i want to kill you, holding the elevatorBecause You Just Ran And Made The Elevator Door Re-Open Just As It Was About To Close
Seriously, I was just about to cruise right to my floor. Now it's taking an extra long time for the doors to close again and three more people just got on. Oh look, they all pressed floors before mine, so I might as well take a half day because by the time I get to my desk it's going to be lunchtime. You are truly an asshole. And don't flash some stupid-looking nervous smile at me with a "Bet you're annoyed I did that" look on your face. That is total bullshit. You made a concerted effort to hold up my progress. I do not want to see a smile on your face, I want to see blood and bruises on your face.

why i want to kill you, movie theater jerksBecause You Showed Up 8 Minutes Into The Movie And Asked Me and My Date To Move One Seat Over So You Can Sit Next To Your Date
There's a super cool group of people who get to sit wherever they want at the movie theater. That group of people is called the group of people who show up on time. You are a fucking dipshit for not being in that group and I am not here to help you out. In 2013, you have to go out of your way to show up late to a movie. The start time is loosely based on when the trailers start, and those go on for 45 minutes. So if you show up after the actual movie has started, and you ask me to move over one seat to get you and your date the best angle possible in front of the screen, I have every right to tell you "no." Then you will awkwardly stand over me in front of everyone for a couple of extra awkward seconds to let it sink in before realizing that you and your date will be sitting separately for Iron Man 3.

why i want to kill you, bad office conversationBecause You Want To Have A Casual Conversation In The Middle of the Work Day
"How's it going?" is not an acceptable reason to interrupt my train of thought at 2:13 on a Wednesday. You're standing over my shoulder so you must see this half-written e-mail open on my screen, yet you continue to break through every awkward "Well, alright..." that signals the merciless end to our conversation. Neither of us really wants to be here, so let's stop with the unnecessary chit chat and get back to work so we can both go home sooner. The only reason we should be talking is if you found free leftover sandwiches in the conference room or if the building is on fire. (In that order.)

why i want to kill you, slow walkersBecause You're Walking Slowly In Front Of Me
I am in a rush. I don't necessarily have somewhere important to go, but I want to get there fast. Will you fucking pick up the pace already? It's not just that you are slowly dawdling in front of me, it's also that you seem to be swerving in the direction of whichever side I'm trying to pass you on every time I make a move. And there are just enough people on the sidewalk here so that I can't get around you cleanly. Looks like we're stuck moving at the same pace until one of us reaches our destination. You need to think about a different means of transportation because you are slowing me down and making me angry and keeping me away from the Internet for longer than I am accustomed to.

why i want to kill you, loud cell phoneBecause You Left Your Cell Phone On Your Desk With The Ringer On And Just Walked Away
Hey buddy, guess what, you just got another calendar reminder! Good for you! Must be another meeting because you are so important! You know who else has a lot of meetings? Everyone. That's what people with office jobs do, they schedule meetings, because that is less time they have to spend doing actual work. You are not impressing anyone with how many alerts come ringing out of your phone during the course of a day. And can't you put that shit on vibrate? You're at a desk in a office. You can fucking hear the vibrate on the desk almost as clearly as a ring tone. And lord help us all if you leave to go to the bathroom and someone fucking calls you. I will take that phone and throw it against the wall. Then I'll only have to worry about your office phone, which is also on the loudest ring volume possible for some reason even though you sit less than a foot away from it all day long.

why i want to kill you, bad check splittersBecause You Are Trying To Calculate Exactly How Much Everybody Owes On Tonight's Check Down To The Last Penny
We all ordered an appetizer, a main course, a dessert and some drinks. Let's divide the check by how many people are at the table and get the hell out of this terrible restaurant. Hold up, not so fast. Tim wants to take a look at the check and make sure he's not being overcharged because he only got one side with his tilapia. Oh, and come to think of it, Joe got soda instead of beer, so that's probably, what, 3 bucks difference? And just in case you didn't hear her the first three times, Sally didn't have any room for dessert tonight. Guys, we are all adults with real jobs. Considering how often we hang out, the money will balance out over time. If you are that hung up on this, I will get you a round wherever we go next. So please just put away your phone calculator and stop haggling over who got screwed out of $1.73 so we can put an end to this forced couples night out and go home and judge each other's relationships in peace.

why i want to kill you, bad sports fanBecause You Are Standing Up And Waving At The Camera And Not Paying Attention To The Game*
You are in the front row at a professional sporting event. You are watching the best athletes in the world from a better vantage point than most of us will ever experience in our lifetimes. At that exact moment, you should be a sports fan in sports heaven. Instead, you are worried that Aunt Joane will see you waving. So you wave. And wave. And wave some more. Then you get on the phone for confirmation that your waving has been seen. Then you wave some more. Then you start the process all over again until you've touched base with every single person in your phone contacts. Meanwhile, you are in my direct eyeline throughout this process, so I haven't been able to enjoy a single pitch of this game. Oh look, you're leaving in the 7th inning of a tie game, too. (*Or more simply put, Because You Are A Dipshit Dodgers Fan.)

why i want to kill you, annoying new parentsBecause You Had A Baby And Now That Means I Need To Have A Baby
Among the many things that make new parents insufferable is their desire to encourage every couple who visits them and their newborn to have their own child. "You really need to have one" you tell me as I glance back at a shell of my former friend who looks tired, snaps at their significant other and is covered in actual human shit 5-7 times a day. Yes, that looks like something I need to rush right into. And please, every time you bring it up to me, sound more desperate. That makes it seem much more like genuine advice and not a cry for help from someone who wants everyone around them to be as blissfully overjoyed exhausted and overwhelmed as they are.

why i want to kill you, cell phone in publicBecause You're Playing Your Smartphone Game In Public With The Volume All The Way Up
Really? You can't tell how many fucking birds you just made angry without sound? You can't tell how many temples you ran through without letting the rest of us in on that stellar soundtrack? I'm sure the subtle nuances of sound are helping you figure out when to press your finger on the screen over and over like a drunk toddler. I'm six rows behind you on the plane and I can decipher every single coin you've collected since we departed. Every phone comes with a pair of ear buds. Put them in your fucking ears. That's what they're made for you inconsiderate asshole.

why i want to kill you, picky eatersBecause You Just Asked For Multiple Changes To Your Menu Item
If you have to change half of the ingredients in the item you just ordered, you probably ordered the wrong thing. Now the waiter is going to ignore us for the rest of the night and the chef will spit in all of our dishes. You really couldn't find one thing on this menu with 4 front and back pages that suited your delicate and refined taste buds? No, you can't get your sandwich without mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is delicious and makes sandwiches delicious, why would you change that? Because that razor-thin smear of mayo is going to cost you what--2 grams of fat--you stupid, stupid idiot? Eat something with flavor and then do 15 extra sit-ups tomorrow. You are an asshole that everybody dreads going out to eat with.

Because You Work In Car Insurance
Actually, I don't want to kill you, I want you to kill yourself.

 

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