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As I sit in a dark, deserted hotel with a leaf-filled pool and the certainty that a murder has been committed here recently, it only seems fitting to write about woeful and depressing talk shows, the biggest travesties of television. Despite their entertainment factor of hair-pulling and filthy secrets revealed by every meth addict, baby mama and gang member on the block, most talk shows are simply the fabric of bad television. Here are the most pathetic talk shows of all time, some of which still manage to find viewers.
Last Call with Carson Daly
Music's biggest '90s alternative groupie, Carson Daly is no stranger to the talk show stage after being the familiar face of MTV's "Total Request Live," a daytime pit stop on the road to selling out completely for most every alt-rock Hail Mary. Set at a late enough timeslot that people with good taste in both music and television wouldn't notice, he hosts "Last Call with Carson Daly," a half hour salute to cue card monologue jokes and one more reason why infomercials should have started a little earlier.
Daly began the charade in 2002 and marches on despite being snubbed Conan O'Brien's time slot by Jimmy Fallon in 2009 when NBC was screwing everybody from behind. NBC did share with the public a lack of interest in having Carson handle such a big responsibility with his standard definition show. That could be due in part to 2007, when the Writers Guild went on strike, making it clear that Carson was unable to write his own material, which, oddly enough, was around the time he was accused of obtaining his jokes from a telephone hotline.
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Lopez Tonight
Hispanic funny man George Lopez had to end his late night fiesta a little early, as something was apparently lost in translation and no jokes generated laughs. Turns out Lopez wasn't funny at all. Despite the opportunity to own the Hispanic comedy market, having Lopez follow "Conan" was like Pete Myers following Michael Jordan, making it quickly obvious he wasn't as qualified for the job. His hoarse voice and bad laugh will be forever remembered.
Lopez failed to bring a unique variety to the stage when he welcomed a lot of the same guests better talk shows would also invite. His ability to retain an interesting conversation wasn't as strong as TBS had hoped, causing the network to shut him down after a short run of two years.
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The Jerry Springer Show
Known for years for egging on incestuous transsexual cheaters, causing fights among the scum of the earth and simply being too hot for TV, "The Jerry Springer Show" was the beginning of abusive reality television. Like a king dangling food in front of peasants or a dictator running gladiator games out of his coliseum, Springer was the first of his kind to poke the fire using his microphone until the flamers came out.
Believe it or not but after more than two decades, the show continues, as there are still love quarrels of the illiterate heartthrobs to be settled. Beginning in 1991, Springer is one of the longest lasting daytime talk show hosts of his time. Not only that, but he's managed to start this many fights on public television without getting stabbed by the audience. Despite his accomplishments, the subject matter and purpose of Springer's life is still rather pathetic.
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The Tyra Banks Show
There can only be one Oprah, thank you very much. Tyra Banks, the busty, long-legged swimsuit model of the '90s who we used to stay home alone for most nights, redirected her career in 2005 to talk show host. As a sort of Beyonce meets Winfrey girl power themed show, it failed to connect with a large percentage of the country, and presumably was only on air for five years to provide subject matter for "The Soup." Tyra's show was cancelled in 2010, but it did win a couple Daytime Emmys before that, which is to say is was momentarily the best of the worst type of television around. Congratulations, Tyra, we still have pictures of you on our bathroom walls, but they're fading in color after nearly two decades.
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The Indian giver and skunk-haired rat of late night talk show hosting, Jay Leno should be no surprise on this list. Oh, he might get a laugh out of you now and again, but ever since stepping on Conan's crazy ginger hair, he's lost everything but the courtesy laugh displayed on the crowd teleprompter.
Upon his return to "The Tonight Show" after the NBC debacle in 2009, Leno clearly had a damaged rep. Now he is set to pass the torch again to his next successor; this time Jimmy Fallon. Here's hoping this one sticks and we don't have to watch Jimmy go through a lot of heartbreak because Jay can't let go of his horrid monologue moments.
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The View
Imagine five shitty talk shows rolled into one long hour of hen-clucking menopause and you'll have "The View." Although Whoopi Goldberg is there with her deep tones to keep the shrieking at bay, this handful of women's strongest representations of feminism, professionalism and mostly old broads sitting around gossiping has been around for nearly two decades.
Co-created by Barbara Walters, "The View" is co-hosted by Goldberg, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Sherri Shepherd and Joy Behar, the latter of which is leaving at the end of the year. Now that rumors of Walters leaving have began to circulate, Whoopi made it clear she doesn't give a good goddamn. That seems fair as nobody has given a damn about her since "Sister Act 2."
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Dr. Phil
If there's a plaque for guys who go to school in order to pass judgment on others while pedaling weight loss shakes, reality shows and opposing pornography while raising a son who would marry a Playboy Playmate, then this guy deserves all of the plaques in the world.
Seriously, does anybody else think this guy might just be Jeffrey Tambor of "Arrested Development" in disguise screwing with us by making really lame observations about other people's lives? It's truly interesting that people live by the words of the great doctor, who uses his psychology degrees in the most exploitative way possible.
Phil McGraw has been syndicating his show for more than a decade now and will likely continue until people realize he's a sham and isn't even related to Tim McGaw, the hunkiest country singer alive.
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Maury
What do Maury Povich, Geraldo Rivera, Montel Williams and all the other runner-up male daytime show saps have in common besides the fact they all love dealing with teen pregnancy, slanderous midget haters and transgender makeovers? Well, they all fell just short of "Sally Jessy Raphael" for starters, which, in their defense, is the most difficult task of all.
Running originals since 1991, "Maury" continues on today as the twenty-something-year-old infidelity-craving parasite we've always known it to be. And as long as these shows continue on air, there will always be people who want to share their stories, swiftly followed by attacking each other in a public forum all in the name of good television. Fans of the show can sleep well knowing "Maury" has been picked up recently to continue on through 2016, which is at least three more years of on-screen defamation of American character.
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Ricki Lake/The Ricki Lake Show
The '90s talk show queen had a ruggedly handsome haircut and enough "oh no you didn't" moments on her show "Ricki Lake" to help it last for 11 years. But after starting a family and chasing her acting dreams, Ricki Lake called it quits. That is, until 2011 when she decided to make another run at talk show hosting. In other words, acting didn't work out as she planned.
The exciting news of her return was co-announced with "The Queen Latifah Show" to air as well, making it clear to women everywhere that talent is not a prerequisite for having your own show. Ricki's new show, cleverly named "The Ricki Lake Show," was meant as an Oprah-style show to hopefully replace the retired goddess of daytime TV, but it was cancelled after one season, despite growing her hair like a normal woman. They really do know how to make dreamers out of kids these days. We blame Queen Latifah for stealing her thunder.
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All of Fox's Late Night Talk Shows (except The Arsenio Hall Show)
It's hard to pick just one of Fox's pathetic talk show flops, so we put all of them of the late night variety here. Many don't remember that "The Arsenio Hall Show," a relative success, aired on both Fox and CBS affiliates. Other than that, Fox has had a tough time finding a hit late night talk show, even after bringing in big name celebrities, specifically "The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers," "The Magic Hour" with Magic Johnson and "The Chevy Chase Show."
All were short-lived, all were panned by critics, and all were pathetic. But we gave Chevy the photo honors because as a Time magazine review stated in 1993, "Chase tried everything, succeeded at nothing." It was cancelled after just five weeks on the air. If only all of these other shows would have had a similar fate.