This Week's 20 Most Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@glenna_opt

Proud of myself cuz when the IT guy asked if I backed anything up, it was so difficult but I did not yell DAT ASS. I only whispered it.

@ceejoyner

If you don't like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He's gone now.

@jenstatsky

No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.

@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed, I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@emilyvolman

I'm cold. I mean, I'm not Jennifer Aniston's nipples Season 1-10 of Friends cold, but I'm cold.

@robdelaney

Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 minutes.

@LostCatDog

My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

@HumanPog

If I'm ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of Mike's Hard Lemonades, you better give me one so I can be refreshed on my way down.

@Nickadoo

I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I'd need to do is kill the boss.

@ChrisThayerSays

Sure I could diet and exercise, but why risk having to live any longer than I absolutely have to?

@HelloCullen

A romantic boombox stands outside of a lady boombox's house holding a crying baby over his head.

@nickspears

Girls love french fries. But only if they didn't order them.

@TheFearBoners

It's awkward when a guy you've known for years suddenly asks you out and you have to let him down politely, reminding him you're cousins.

@tylerschmall

Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.

@bornferal

Every Yelp review should start, "First off, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about."

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

@KimmyCupcakes1

I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents instal a DVD player over the phone again.

@uniglittertits

The only thing that ever worked for me after I blew it was my Nintendo game system.