Your Momma Warned You

Worst: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

"Sure, my mom doesn't know about my secret aspirations to be an edgy stand-up comedian, but that doesn't mean I can't figure out a way to follow her advice AND my dreams. Nothing yet, though. I don't know the term for what comes after "awkward" silence, but I've seen it in the eyes of the audience members of the entire club. Every Tuesday night. For the past three years."

Best: Never go to bed angry.

"I'm a sleepwalker. Have been since I was a kid. I'm also a sleep eater, sleep snorer, and sleep farter, but that's beside the point. Worst of all, though, I grind my teeth, and it's become somewhat of a nuisance. Every morning I wake up having ingested more and more goose feathers from my pillow. You probably think that the easy solution would be a mouth guard, or at least a more difficult pillowcase to chew through. Well, I don't know how you sleep at night, but I prefer luxury, thanks. So I decided to follow my mother's advice instead and simply stopped listening to Slayer right before bedtime. I've saved 70 dollars a month on restuffings alone, and I feel so much better in the morning. You're the best, mom!"

Worst: What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally.

"My friend Susie once told me that my longtime crush, Sally, had a thing for me. Look, it got really confusing, and it ended up being a nightmare. You can pretty much fill in the missing pieces yourself and jump to the same logical conclusion I did: If you have two friends named Susie and Sally, only listen to what Sally has to say about Susie, and don't try to make out with Susie in front of Sally. Or at least I think that's right. Maybe I need mom to explain this to me again."

Best: Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.

"So I know the joke here is that a mother would be embarrassed if her son was seen by doctors and nurses wearing dirty underwear, and the lesson is to always be prepared for unforeseen events, but this warning has a deeper meaning in my life. In fourth grade my friend Dave and I both had a crush on Janine Vickers. Dave was a little more popular than me, though, and it was he who became her boyfriend and got to kiss her under the monkeybars. There was just one problem for Dave: he NEVER wore clean underwear. "Clean undies are for dorks!" he would always say. Then, one day, Dave broke his leg attempting a backflip off those same monkeybars to impress Janine. The paramedics had to come and cut off his pants, and sure enough, his dirty drawers were exposed. All of our classmates laughed, pointed, and mercilessly made fun of him. Janine broke up with him on the spot and started dating me. Today we are happily married, and I owe it all to my mother's advice. Dave went on to a life of crime."

Worst: Your Mood Shouldn't Dictate Your Manners

"Wait, so you're telling me this wasn't a metaphor for establishing dominance to the waiting staff at every restaurant I've ever been to? I always took this bit of advice as no matter how I feel (generally happy), I should act the opposite to show everyone I mean business. It's no wonder I get such filthy looks at the DMV. I'm high-fiving everybody in the joint from the moment I walk in!"

Best: A happy wife is a happy life.

"This was great advice that my mother gave me on my wedding day. It's a bit of an ominous warning, but definitely one to obey. Besides, I love my wife, so I enjoy making her happy. Sure, I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately, but we'll be fine. However, I do intend to get to the bottom of this postcard (pictured) that she sent me when she gets back from vacation. At the very least, explain to her that it only works for guys and the 'here'/'her' similarity. This one's just hurtful."

Worst: Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong; it just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

"This advice made perfect sense to me until my buddy Derek decided he could jump off his roof and fly so long as he held as many helium balloons as how old he was. Something about the math didn't add up to me, and we got into a fight about it. But knowing that it wouldn't make me wrong, I eventually apologized and Derek went ahead with his jump. Well, I was right in the end, and we were lucky he landed on that pile of rusty shed equipment or he could have really hurt himself."

Best: You made your bed, now lie in it.

"This seems like a horrible phrase coming from your loving mother's mouth when you are a child in a jam, but perhaps the best advice when you are an adult who just had a long day of writing fake testimonials at work. It's all a matter of perception, and this one takes the cake depending on your mood."