-
Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
-
Twitter2 of 20
Remember, behind every crazy woman, there's an even more batshit mother.
-
Twitter3 of 20
A fly flew right into the toilet while I was peeing and died. Tell someone you love them before it's too late.
-
Twitter4 of 20
Working essay title: Gravy fries, Sex, a Fist Fight & Other Things I Wish I Hadn't Had at Applebees This Morning
-
Twitter5 of 20
If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
-
Twitter6 of 20
A gay man wanted to get in my pants, which was a real compliment since it meant he clearly liked my outfit too.
-
Twitter7 of 20
I'm not advocating this, but "Not enough centaurs" would be a pretty sweet suicide letter.
-
Twitter8 of 20
No matter what I say to my barber, he hears "one late 90s women's basketball coach special please!"
-
Twitter9 of 20
I imagine most men approach sex the same way I tear open envelopes.
-
Twitter10 of 20
How long should I wait before answering a text, like on a scale of 0-5 seconds
-
Twitter11 of 20
If you love something let it go and spend the rest of your life comparing everything to how great that thing you let go was.
-
Twitter12 of 20
"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
-
Twitter13 of 20
I hit a little girl on a tricycle, and when I got out to exchange insurance info she just laid there. It's like, come on...don't be a dick.
-
Twitter14 of 20
Limbless people can't make snow angels, only snow peanuts. :(
-
Twitter15 of 20
If you don't have anything nice to say, just say "guuuuuuuurl" for like 15 seconds and walk away.
-
Twitter16 of 20
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
-
Twitter17 of 20
You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
-
Twitter18 of 20
The average Florida resident is murdered 5 times a year.
-
Twitter19 of 20
Sigh. 15 years of Soundgarden and yet not a single soundvegetable.
-
Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".