This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack, I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

@BassoonJokes

kevin spAC/DC

@JennyPentland

Is German roulette where you shoot everyone else?

@SamGrittner

If Einstein was so "smart" then why did he die?

@Kyle_Lippert

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says and then high fives the camera man.

@4Anno

WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is not a valid defense for indecent exposure.

@molls

Do they sell Spanx that cover your entire life?

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free iPad!

1. name

2. address

3. email

4. where the drugs are

*mustache falls off*

@crylenol

[Wu-Tang Pot Luck]

"All I brought was the ruckus."

"Yea, me too."

"Did anyone not bring the ruckus?"

*silence*

@FATJEW

A tattoo sleeve used to mean you were a biker who would kill. Now it means you're a chef who makes a lovely pork belly with a balsamic drizzle.

@DrLawyercop

Every time Nicki Minaj breaks into a British accent, an angel dies.

@Jude_Josh

Disney owns Miramax, so the gimp from "Pulp Fiction" is technically a Disney Princess.

@jiffywild

The MTV teen mom's sex tape is called "Backdoor Teen Mom" ironically if she used the backdoor she wouldn't be a teen mom.

@RutledgeWood

Some d-bag just gave us the bird for some reason, so I gave him "JAZZ hands!" He seemed very confused. Try it!

@thatRamosgirl

Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

@Verlieren

Don't start fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

@MrsRupertPupkin

Pretty cute how my ex is trying to get me back by posting photos of him & his wife on their honeymoon.

@thispartyislame

When a Facebook friend says their hamster died, it takes all of my power not to comment "did they fall asleep at the wheel?"