-
Wikimedia Commons1 of 10
Looking for a fresh and exciting new experience that may or may not endanger your immortal soul? Consider changing a fundamental aspect of your life and existence by pledging your allegiance to one of the world's more obscure and fascinating gods. No boring old dudes with white beards here; the thousands of religious traditions across the history of the world offer an amazing selection of animals, chimeras, and imps of all shapes and sizes.
PERKUNAS
Okay, sure, fine, we did include one old dude with a white beard, but that's mostly because Baltic thunder god Perkunas was one of the original ODWB's, occupying the top slot in nearly every European pantheon under a variety of different names.
While there's very little written history about Perkunas, language analysis and historical comparisons show that he may have been chucking thunderbolts all the way back during the pre-pre-pre-historic Proto-Indo-European religious tradition cognates of his name and legends show him as the likely predecessor to classic thunder gods Thor (of Norway), Ukko (of Finland), Perun (of Russia), and possibly even Zeus (Greece).
Perkunas doesn't have too many worshippers nowadays, even under his bootleg equivalents. But variants of his name survive across hundreds of languages as a term for thunder or lightning.
In Finnish, his name gave rise to the popular curse "perkele," which has no direct translation but can be loosely and awesomely interpreted as "may the power of the Thunder God be with me". It's a great thing to yell before recording a metal album or blowing up a Russian tank.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
The Dreaming Wizard2 of 10
THE RAINBOW SERPENT
The many Aboriginal cultures of Australia vary widely in their individual beliefs and legends, but the mighty Rainbow Serpent is a constant across the continent. Typically associated with water, life, and creation, the Rainbow Serpent dwells within the oases of the Outback, travelling from one to the other by arcing across the sky like a... like a... hmm.
While Rainbow Serpent stories and traditions differ from group to group, the creature itself is common enough to serve as a popular symbol of Aboriginal arts and cultures and commonly appears in children's books and art education.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Wikimedia Commons3 of 10
THE SHEELA-NA-GIGS
Jeez, lady, cover your shame! The unsettlingly, um, open sheela-na-gig figurines that dot ruins, castles, and even ancient churches all over Ireland and the British Isles, but archaeologists and historians aren't entirely sure whether it represents a specific goddess figure, a symbol of fertility, a ward against evil spirits, or even a caution against sexual promiscuity.
One intriguing theory links the little ladies to the ancient practice of "anasyrma," the lifting of skirts and flashing of genitals in order to frighten away evil spirits, bad weather, and crop-devouring pests.
New evidence of sheela-na-gig figures all across Europe, suggesting that it was a wide-spread tradition rather than just the Irish being weird, lends a little more credence to this theory.
Anyway, whether the sheela-na-gig was a fertility fetish or a magical pest control device, they serve as a sure-fire conversation starter for those seeking to hit on hippies.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Wikimedia Commons4 of 10
RAIJIN/RAIDEN
Dada-dada-dada-dada-dun-dun! The teleporting thunder god character of the Mortal Kombat series was historically not portrayed as a glowy-eyed monk or by the guy who played the Highlander, but as a frightful demonic figure with eagle's talons and flaming hair, which honestly would've made those games a lot more entertaining.
The coolie-hatted monk depiction actually comes from his cameo in 1986's "Big Trouble in Little China," where his appearance may have been influenced by similar Chinese deity Lei Gong.
While historically Raijin has specialized in wielding the power of thunderstorms, today he appears to be primarily concerned with building his brand.
Raijin shows up in countless Japanese manga and anime and even makes appearances in Warcraft III, Final Fantasy VIII, Katamari Damacy, and Pokemon. By way of comparison, Zeus just showed up once in Altered Beast where he completely botched his line read-"wise fwom youw gwave" indeed.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Wikimedia Commons5 of 10
SUN WUKONG/SON GOKU/"MONKEY"
Sneaking arrogantly across the line between fiction and religion is Sun Wukong, an ancient and legendary figure fusing Taoist legend, Buddhist fable, and a healthy dose of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman into one of history's most memorable characters.
Star of "Journey to the West" and hundreds of adaptations and translations of the same, Monkey is (logically enough) a monkey born of a stone on the Mountain of Fruit and Flowers who gains a fantastic array of magical powers and kung-fu skills allowing him to piss off every single Chinese sage, ruler, demon, and god he meets, up to and including the Jade Emperor himself.
Sun Wukong finally meets his match in the Buddha, who disciplines the naughty monkey through the simple measure of burying him under a mountain and feeding him nothing but molten metal for five hundred years.
Finally sorta-kinda-humbled, the Monkey travels to India to retrieve valuable Buddhist sutras accompanied by a hideous fish-spirit, a lecherous pig-spirit, and the monk Tripitaka who was in charge of keeping these super-powered cartoon characters in line. Sun Wukong is celebrated today in festivals, comic books, and animated features all over Asia.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Spell Binding Sisters6 of 10
BARON SAMEDI
In the complicated pantheon of Voodoo/Vodou/Voudoun, the Ghede represent the most powerful loa (spirits) of death and fertility, and among the Ghede, sharp-dressed corpse Baron Samedi is the most powerful of all.
Dressed for a Haitian-style burial and typically puffing a cigar, Baron Samedi is a busy ghoul with a lot of responsibilities. As Baron Cimetiere, he keeps watch over the dead (an important job in zombie-plagued Haiti). As Baron la Croix, he is the suave philosopher standing at the crossroads between life and death. And as Baron Kriminel he personifies swift, stabby judgement.
During his free time, Samedi is far and away one of the more fun gods to hang out with, a skirt-chasing rum-chugging party animal who loves dirty jokes and has the useful ability to heal injuries and ailments up to and including death (provided he feels like it). Just make sure to steer clear when Baron Kriminel comes out to play.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Gobbi Free7 of 10
TLAZOLTEOTL
Aztec goddess of midwives, adulterers, sin, purification, and (for some reason) steam baths, Tlazolteotl went by many names, the most of apt of which was probably Ixcuina-"She of Two Faces."
That was in part because while she was popularly the representation of dirty, immoral, wicked-hot sex. She was also the goddess capable of cleaning all that sin away, sometimes literally (she was also one of the primary goddesses of the Ochpaniztli sweeping festival).
Confession to and forgiveness from Tlazolteotl could be had through a priest only once in a man's lifetime, but she was said to reveal all to her supplicant. One important caveat: as is somewhat fitting for a dirty sex goddess, Tlazolteotl was also the goddess of sexually-transmitted diseases, so if you meet her, maybe just opt for one of those relaxing steam baths instead.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Megamitensei Wikia8 of 10
ABRASAX/ABRAXAS
In Carl Jung's Gnostic treatise "The Seven Sermons to the Dead," the psychologist and philosopher referred to the god-aspect of Abraxas as higher than the Christian God and Devil combined, combining and uniting all opposites into a single almighty being, so that's definitely a point in his favor.
Another plus: he has snakes for legs and the head of a rooster, making him both all-powerful and hilarious-looking. Abraxas has the odd distinction of being the most misspelled god in history-his original name was Abrasax but due to confusion between the letters Sigma and Xi during translation, his texts and traditions (as well as the Jesse Ventura film and Santana album that bear his name) were literally set in stone as Abraxas.
Anyway, if being able to peck out your eyes and bite you with his feet weren't enough, Abraxas is typically portrayed with a shield in one hand and a flail or club in the other, symbolizing his balance between the opposing elements of attack/aggression/evil and defense/resistance/good.
In the same way, Jesse Ventura's acting in Abraxas is a negative counterweight to his work in "Predator," and the Santana album "Abraxas" a positive counterweight to that horrible cover of "Fortunate Son" with that douche from Creed.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Wikimedia Commons9 of 10
ATUM
What better deity for a self-made man than the self-made god? While not the first god of Egypt, Atum had little help from the self-absorbed pseudo-gnostic entities of the Ogdoad, rising from a mound that itself arose from the swirling primordial waters of Nu.
Having created himself out of formless chaos and finding himself apparently the only resident of an abyssal void, Atum did the logical thing and, uh, pleasured himself, resulting in the creation of demigods Shu and Tefnut, the brother-sister husband and wife who were the grandparents of what we consider the traditional Egyptian Pantheon of Osiris, Isis, and lots of other people with weird animal heads, which just goes to show you that inbreeding is a bad idea.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend
-
Wikimedia Commons10 of 10Next: The Most Bizarre Traditions Around The World
PRINCE PHILIP
The Yaohnanen tribesmen of Vanuatu have a unique advantage over most religious adherents: when they send a message to their god, they can reasonably expect a signed photograph in return.
It's uncertain when exactly the Prince Philip Movement formed, but it's believed to be based on the "cargo cult" traditions that sprang up all over the Pacific after the Second World War. Many of these cults centered around the legend of John Frum, supposedly a dark-skinned American serviceman who could summon airplanes full of Spam and candy bars.
In the case of the Yaohnanen, they developed a legend that Frum (or his brother) would bear a pale-skinned son with a local mountain spirit. This son would travel to a far-distant land, wed a powerful woman, and one day return.
When the royal couple visited Vanuatu briefly in 1974, the Yaohnanen understandably concluded that the prophecy had been fulfilled, and a few years later the British Resident Commissioner asked the Duke of Edinburgh for a signed portrait.
The villagers responded with a gift of one of their hunting clubs, which their god obligingly posed with, beginning an on-and-off correspondence that culminated in a visit by five Yaohnanen men to Britain where they were permitted to meet the Prince, surely a novel experience for both parties.
-
-
More
- Share on Tumblr
- Pin It
- Email to a friend