Mitch Hedberg Quote Generator

Mitch Hedberg was one of the most underrated comedians of all time. To help remedy that, we put together this Mitch Hedberg Quote Generator. Click "Mitch Me" for one of Mr. Hedberg's classic quotes.

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Rice is great for when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.|I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.|The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.|Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?|I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.|My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?|I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.|I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.|I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.|A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.|A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.|Dogs are forever in the push up postion.|I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.|Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!|When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.|I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.|This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.|If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.|I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.|My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.|I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.|I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.|If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.|Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.|My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'|I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.|I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.|I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.|I don't stay at Bed and Breakfasts, because by the end of the day you would start to get hungry.|You know on those fishing shows where they catch the fish and let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.|Advil has a candy coating, it's delicious. It says on the bottle "do not have more than two." Then don't cover it in candy.|I bet if you could understand Morse Code a tap dancer would drive you crazy.|This product that was on TV said you could have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment.|I find that ducks opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.|You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. It's wrapped twice. You open it and it still ain't open. That's why I never buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.|I was going to have my teeth whitened, but I decided I was going to get a tan instead.|I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.|I met the girl who works the front desk at my hotel and she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered.|If you don't like a parade, run in the opposite direction and you will fast forward the parade.|I got a parrot and it talked, but it did not say I'm hungry, so it died.|I don't like sandwiches from New York delis. There's too much meat on them. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side.|I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.|I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxcema. They are not white. They are off-white.|When it comes to racism people say 'I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green.' Hang on a minute. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere.|I bought a two bedroom house. But isn't it up to me how many bedrooms there are? This bedroom has an oven in it.|I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.|When I was a boy I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.|I had a cold sore and I put some Carmex on it. Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores. I don't know if it does, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable.|I saw a commercial on late night TV that said "Forget everything you know about slip covers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn't know what they were.|I went to the doctor, but all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.|I called the hotel operator and she said "How can I direct your call." Well, you could say, "Action." And I will begin to dial. And when I say goodbye you can yell "Cut."|I went to the store and bought 8 apples and the guy said "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" and I said, "Oh, no man, I juggle."|I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say, "You're home!"|I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. That's extra scary because there's a large, out of focus monster roaming the countryside.|One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. |I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles said, "Cut 'em up."|I did comedy for a fund raiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.|I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.|I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor isn't a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.|Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having.|The last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo. So I fucked up.|If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.|My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.|Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a frisbee.|Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.|I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.|Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".|I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk said "This is not a library". So I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!"|If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on, long prosperous life!"|If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a really weird way.|A fly was very close to being called a "Land", because that's what it does the other half of the time.|What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance.|I was looking for some glue, but all the store had was super glue. It sounded way too overwhelming. They didn't have any 'pretty good' glue.|I turned to my friend and said "How do you abbreviate Arkansas". He said "I don't know, just start spelling it, and then quit".|Financially, I'm set for life... if I'm shot tomorrow.|This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"|I'm wearing a vest. But if I had no arms, it would be a jacket.|I'm tired of Soup of the Day. It's time to make a decision. I want to know what the "Soup From Now On" is.|In Venice, Italy they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals.|They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.|People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.|I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

Mitch Hedberg was a unique comedian who had the ability to catch you off guard with simple one-liners. Experience the best head scratchers the comedian offered during his career with our Mitch Hedberg quote generator.

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Mitch Hedberg Quote Generator

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