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Twitter1 of 20Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
"There's a sleeping person. Let's go ask it questions." - Children
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Twitter2 of 20What should we call this one?
Humpback whale.
How about this one?
Sperm whale.
You're attracted to whales, aren't you, Fred?
Yep.
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Twitter3 of 20I'm a great juggler, but I never do it for the girls I date. I need to make sure they're falling in love with ME and not my juggling.
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Twitter4 of 20I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz form overflowing.
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Clik here to view.Twitter5 of 20How you do CPR is 2nd base, 2nd base, 2nd base, 1st base.
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Clik here to view.Twitter6 of 20Every time a young girl vomits, a Victoria's Secret angel gets its wings.
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Clik here to view.Twitter7 of 20If my dad were alive today he would say, "Tracy stop telling people I'm dead".
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Clik here to view.Twitter8 of 20Um...I hate to be a Grammar Nazi, but shouldn't it be...'The Diary of *A* Frank'...?
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Clik here to view.Twitter9 of 20replace your spine with rollerblade wheels so when some jerk pushes you over you can roll away and laugh at all the haters
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Clik here to view.Twitter11 of 20"What's cooler than cool?"
You venture: Ice cold?
"No." Andre 300 turns to face you.
"Betrayal," he sneers.
Your heart stops. He knows.
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Clik here to view.Twitter12 of 20Q: How many Baby Boomers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Zero, but ten are blocking the ladder and this is somehow your fault
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Clik here to view.Twitter13 of 20A bee is willing to end it's own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Clik here to view.Twitter14 of 20I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIs order of wings and so on, so on, you get it.
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Clik here to view.Twitter15 of 20Roses are red, violets are made of toast I did too many mushrooms my wheelbarrow is a time machine
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Clik here to view.Twitter16 of 20I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me.
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Clik here to view.Twitter17 of 20To get your "porn star name", take the street you grew up on and see whether it's in a low-income area with a high rate of domestic abuse.
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Clik here to view.Twitter18 of 20Which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills?
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Clik here to view.Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious TweetsA "Nerdy Sanchez" is when you slip a pair of tortoise-shell glasses over your lover's face from behind at the crucial intimate moment.
