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Twitter1 of 20Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
My butthole is a 3D printer that only makes one terrible thing.
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Twitter2 of 20Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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Twitter3 of 20yes, I am one of the 2 out of 5 women not using birth control, but in all fairness 5 out of 5 men aren't having sex with me.
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Twitter4 of 20I think most people who claim to be allergic to cats are really just afraid to love.
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Twitter5 of 20DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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Clik here to view.Twitter6 of 20Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
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Clik here to view.Twitter7 of 20"That girl was poisoned." - CSY: Bell Biv Devoe
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Clik here to view.Twitter8 of 20The difference between being romantic and creepy is how hot you are.
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Clik here to view.Twitter9 of 20How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
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Clik here to view.Twitter10 of 20I'm thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won't move into my neighborhood.
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Clik here to view.Twitter11 of 20*Skrillex DJing my funeral*
"D-D-D-Drop the casket!"
Bwabwabwabwabwaaaabwaaaaa
*my wife cries*
*my grandchildren grind with the strippers*
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Clik here to view.Twitter12 of 20my car cost more than my college education but I can't hit people with a bachelor's degree
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Clik here to view.Twitter13 of 20Bruce Jenner is the prettiest 60 year old female cat I've ever seen.
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Clik here to view.Twitter14 of 20Hey kid...catch
*Lebron tosses kid his headband*
*Kid tosses it back*
Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
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Clik here to view.Twitter15 of 20The iPhone might as well have a low battery warning when it has 90% battery left.
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Clik here to view.Twitter16 of 20Lotta haters into witchcraft. Stay alert.
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Clik here to view.Twitter17 of 20*bear in scrubs walks into waiting room*
"Sorry to be the bear-er of bad news but I'm a bear and your son died cause bears can't do surgery"
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Clik here to view.Twitter18 of 20@gavinpivott
If you cut your pizza up into small pieces you can use it as a topping for your other pizza.
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Clik here to view.Twitter19 of 20I never judge a person based on the color of their skin, only on which way the bill of their baseball hat is pointing.
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Clik here to view.Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets*bop it*
Cool
*twist it*
Alright
*spin it*
This is fun!
*lick it*
Huh?
*suck it*
What?
*jerk it*
...Okay
