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As far as avoiding an avalanche, you're on your own. But for most every other camping danger you might encounter in the great outdoors, we've got you covered (unless you're this gal).
Bears
Bears are pretty smart and hungry and to that end, they have a powerful sense of smell. If you encounter a bear, do not run! Back away slowly, avoid eye contact, poop your pants, and retreat.
Now, regarding your camping spot. Assuming you don't want to snuggle with a furry tractor in the middle of the night, keep all food away from your tent, which also means cooking at a spot about 100 feet downwind from the tent. Throw out food scraps and trash and store anything else in sealed, airtight containers. Also, don't set up shop near a spot where you see claw marks or bear tracks. And if you pooped your pants, dispose of that too.
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Lightning
You've probably heard the refrain that you're more likely to struck by lightning than win the lottery. It's true. The odds of getting stuck by lightning in the U.S. in any year is 1 in 700,000. Also according to National Geographic, the odds of being struck in your lifetime are 1 in 3,000. In other words, you're more likely to get bitch slapped by Mother Nature than become lottery rich.
Not to worry. Just remember that if you can hear thunder, you're within 10 miles of a storm -- and within striking distance. Get away from trees and other tall objects and seek a solid shelter (as opposed to a shack). Absent a decent shelter, yell at the top of your lungs, "Get to the chopper!!!" -- which you should tell your group to interpret as "Get to car!!!!" Wait it out until 30 minutes after the storm passes and speak exclusively in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.
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Extreme Temperatures
This means extreme heat or extreme cold, depending on your camping environment. It's summertime though, so let's talk about the heat. For starters, if you feel thirsty, you're already dehydrated. Drink up and eat salty snacks and if it's "hot as balls" outside (i.e., 90-plus degrees), avoid hiking from about 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. To modify a phrase from The Most Interesting Man In The World: Stay really hydrated, my friends.
Also, you know what's cool? A canteen. Seriously. Search images. A few more quick hits: bring along ice packs and a spray bottle to keep your body cool, and definitely take a dip if there's a pond along your trail. If you feel fatigue, nauseous, have a headache or cramps, you need to cool down. Last, pitch your tent (ha!) in a shaded area with tree cover and let the tent air out.
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Getting Lost
A local news story showing choppers and a search party rescue for missing campers is a pretty miserable way to catch 15 minutes of fame. Bring a map, a compass or even better, a GPS device so you can figure out exactly where you're going. Bear Grylls put his name on a Bushnell model, so bring that one if you want to get the full experience by eating bugs or small animal corpses. Plus some common sense: tell someone where you're going and when you expect to be back.
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Campfires
An even worse way to make the local news is by causing a massive wildfire. Get bombed by the fire, make s'mores, but by all means -- put the damn thing out before passing out. We recommend electing a fire marshal (no not this guy) to stay sober and manage the fire. Let the wood burn completely, then dump water all over fire and the embers. If you don't have water (or enough), mix dirt or sand with the embers. Stir it all up and make sure it's all wet and cooled.
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Ticks
If you get bit by a disease-carrying tick and develop a fever or rash, you're going to have a bad time. You can avoid this misery by steering clear of ticks, which like to chill in moist and humid environments, especially near wooded or grassy areas. Tick repellent clothing with permethrin will kill or repel the pesky bastards.
When you're finished hiking or camping, take turns with a friend (a female, for maximum fun) checking your bodies for ticks. Also, take a shower (another possible group activity). If you unfortunately discover a tick bite, use pointed tweezers and remove it from its head as close to your skin as possible. Save the tick. It's a crappy souvenir but it may be useful to identify the thing. And if you develop a rash or fever, it's time to leave the campgrounds and see a doctor.
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Getting Trapped by a Boulder
This is why it's dangerous to go camping or hiking solo. Because if you get your arm or another body part trapped under a boulder, and nobody knows where you are, you're going to have to amputate that limb with a knife or makeshift blade...by yourself, with no painkillers. Just watch the amputation scene from "127 Hours" and you'll know what to do, yet do everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen to you.
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Hermits
Okay, maybe hermits don't qualify as one of the greatest camping dangers, but encountering one would certainly make a most unique experience. Recall the case of the 47-year-old hermit/burglar (Hermburglar?) who spent almost 30 years in the woods, subsisting on food he stole from summer camps and campsites.
Hermits are by nature reclusive, so you probably won't spot one. If you do, history tells us there's a chance he hasn't spoken with another human in about 10 years, so just wave and go your way. Maybe offer some information on current events, like the birth of Kimye's baby, which he may find interesting but may also confirm his decision to spend his life alone in the woods.
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Lack of Toilet Paper
If you're accustomed to pooping on a porcelain throne, and you should be, dropping a deuce in the woods will make you appreciate our ancestors' plight. Bring TP on your excursion. Bring lots of TP, and make sure it stays dry. There's a product (and a life hack) for everything out there, including dry toilet paper dispensers for campers.
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Lack of Beverages
This one could tie into the section on staying hydrated, but we feel it deserves separate attention. Bring more water and electrolyte-infused drinks than you think you'll need. Fine, this final point about beverages is to remind you to also bring plenty of beer to your campsite, more than you think you'll need. Maybe a hermit will want some. There's nothing worse than an empty beer cooler, besides having to amputate your own arm.
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