Let's face it, it's hard to keep a high approval rating as president. With the current state of technology and instant news, every small mistake the Commander-in-Chief makes goes viral within minutes.
We need a change.
America doesn't need another politician that only serves corporations and operates under a secret agenda. We need a man of the people. That's why I present for your consideration, a man who needs no introduction, The Nature Boy, Ric Flair.
That's ridiculous, right? Why would we vote in a professional wrestler as POTUS? Hmm ... well, Ronald Reagan was an actor, Harry S. Truman was a writer and I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Calvin Coolidge started the Wu Tang Clan. A sports entertainer is the only natural next step as a Oval Office occupant. Let's take a look at what separates Flair from his competition and makes him an ideal candidate for president.
No Other County Would Ever Mess With Us
Flair's motto has always been "to be the man, you gotta beat the man."
This doesn't mean we'd go to war with other countries; Flair would settle this in a much more hands-on style. North Korea keeps threatening us? Flair doesn't tolerate that. He challenges Kim Jong-un to a cage match, applies a figure four ... and the nuclear problem is solved. Think about it: Has there ever been a U.S. president that has perfected the figure four leg lock? Unless John Adams had a secret MMA past, no one could dish out punishment like Flair. We could even start a tournament to determine the power rankings of the world's countries. Do you really think Vladimir Putin could withstand a series of Flair chops to the chest? Look at him:
He's Diplomatic
Flair never had to do his own dirty work in the ring. He was part of the Four Horsemen who always had his back and took out any threat that posed itself against him. If Flair was president, we could get rid of the U.N. and form a global version of the Four Horsemen. Imagine the U.S., China, France and the United Kingdom forming a supergroup. The U.S. is Flair, China would be Sid Vicious, France is obviously Arn Anderson and the U.K. is Ole Anderson. Other counties wouldn't be our enemy, they'd want to befriend us to have the Horsemen on their side. Imagine Chile gets up and starts running its mouth about China. Instead of just dealing with China, now you've got the U.S. to battle, as well. And we aren't bringing guns - every citizen is given a steel chair to attack our opponents. There's really no downside to this plan, other than Brazil getting DDT'd by the global version of Arn Anderson.
He's Charismatic
Sure, Obama has done a little dance on late-night talk shows and he sang during a speech, but he's never come close to this:
If that man came out and said, "America, woooooo! We're raising taxes 20% so I can buy a longer limousine," I would say "Where do I send my check, Mr. President?" Of course, that's not his style because he's the "stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun" so he doesn't need that from the American people, he can do it on his own.
Our military would grow exponentially because instead of camo fatigues, every soldier would get a robe like this:
Although it may not seem effective in battle, no one is going to get in the way of a soldier charging at them while looking like a bedazzled phoenix. We would control the world in a matter of weeks, like playing a game of Risk against your idiot cousin who keeps eating the pieces and yelling, "Which one is the North Carolina?"
No One Tells Him What to Do
America does not negotiate with terrorist. Ric Flair doesn't take threats from anyone. Here's what happened when Sting made the mistake of calling out Flair:
This isn't your same old America. If Flair doesn't want to charge taxes for a year, he doesn't have to do it. If he wants Mean Gene to run C-SPAN, then it's going to be a lot more entertaining to watch cabinet meetings. Don't worry about him getting subpar advisors - he's friends with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. His nickname is "THE BRAIN"! If that isn't enough, he also has access to "The Genius" Lanny Poffo. Are you worried about our economy being in a slump? Meet the new treasurer of the U.S., Ted Dibiase! His Rolodex goes much deeper than anything we've ever seen. Who were our vice president options last year? Joe "Let's Have All White House Correspondents Meetings at Hooters" Biden and Paul "I Never Took My Childhood Toys Out of the Packaging" Ryan? No thanks. Flair's options include Shawn Michaels, Road Warrior Animal, or "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. Can you imagine having a vice president nicknamed "The American Dream"? That's the country I want to live in.
Other Countries Would Duplicate Our Success
Consider this: If the U.S. becomes debt-free and dominant in such a short amount of time, how long until other countries start voting in wrestlers as their leader? How great would the U.N. Summit be when it's all former professional wrestlers? Canadian Prime Minister Hacksaw Jim Duggan must face off against Mexican President Rey Mysterio Jr to see who gets to start trading goods with Spain. Iceland's president Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson has been replaced with Sting, who sits in the rafters of the summit just observing and waiting for his time to make a move. It could air on pay-per-view and the proceeds would go to eliminate AIDS in Darfur. The budget would be reached in a matter of minutes because everyone would tune in to see if Germany's President Goldust can defeat Italy's President Diamond Dallas Page, with the losing country forced to be exiled into the Atlantic Ocean. My money is on DDP.
In conclusion, I hope you can look deep into your heart and think about what is best for our country. We don't need another Mitt Romney or some stuck-up politician. We need a man who has defeated every opponent that's stood in his way. We need a 13-time heavyweight champion. Let's get past the hype and get back to basics. Let's get a nature boy. Nature Boy Ric Flair. God bless America.
