Know the Code: Massage Parlors

2. Make Contact

CJ Says: Once you've found a likely candidate, don't call them up and ask if they give happy endings. No parlor will tell you anything incriminating over the phone. Ask what the price is for a session. If they mention that additional tipping may take place in the room, then this is a possible hint. Also, any place that advertises a "table shower" is a guaranteed parlor.

3. Massage Parlor or Health Spa?

CJ Says: Once you're there, I tell guys that the simplest way to tell if they're in a massage parlor is the "grandmother" test. Just ask yourself, would you send your grandmother to this place? If the high-security door, video cameras, blackened windows and industrial park-location make you lean toward "no," then you might be standing in a massage parlor.

Conversely, if you're standing in a waiting room surrounded by female customers waiting to have their hair and nails done, then you are definitely not in a massage parlor. Here's a tip: In a massage parlor you will usually not see any female customers.

4. Be Prepared

CJ Says: Have plenty of cash and an open mind. If you have both in abundance, then you're guaranteed to have a good time. When you have a half-naked woman kneeling over you with your solidly erect privates in her hand whispering "yes, I can do that for an extra $20," nothing kills the mood quicker than asking if she takes Visa. Parlors hate using credit cards, and you really don't want to explain to your wife/boss why you have a charge of $300 from "Happy Time Rub Club." 

I tell people to have at least $60 cash for the door fee.  This amount only books you for a massage session, nothing else.  If you can afford it, try one hour instead of 30 minutes, especially if you're a newbie. This gives you more time to actually relax and enjoy the session without concentrating too much on the happy ending.

Also, keep an open mind and don't set your expectations too high. If you've been watching too much softcore porn on Cinemax, then you might be expecting a bevy of Pamela Anderson clones dressed in bad lingerie fighting over who gets to fulfill your every sexual desire as soon as you walk through the door. Instead, you might get a middle-aged woman who walks you to a room where you wait for the next masseuse available who may not exactly be your ideal fantasy babe. But with any luck, she'll put you at ease and get you to relax in a standard "relaxing massage" session.

In the room, you should have ideally $100 in cash. This should be more than enough to seal the deal on a happy ending. You might end up spending a little more, or even a little less depending on what ends up happening in the room. On a side note, there is no maximum amount you can bring. If you want more than a standard massage and handjob, then be prepared to pay for it.

5. What to Wear

CJ Says: Nothing. When your masseuse asks you to "get comfortable," then leaves the room, your ass better be bare butt naked when she gets back. The code word she may use is "draping." Refusing the draping means that you want the happy-ending treatment instead of the purely therapeutic treatment. Whenever I find a guy still in his underwear, he gets a standard massage with no option of the happy ending. No arguments.

6. "Options"

CJ Says: Short for "clothing options." If your masseuse asks you what option you want, this is code for "So how naked do you want me?" My options are topless, g-string, and nude. Some places do not offer options and may have their girls perform the session fully clothed, or just strip down without even asking you for a preference.

Here's a hint: If your masseuse asks you what clothing option you want, you don't have to ask about getting a happy ending. Her top's not coming off for therapeutic purposes.

7. "Release"

CJ Says: This is short for "hand release," and our technical term for a standard handjob. (Yes, we have technical jargon in my industry.) There are various styles of release, including breast, thigh and butt. A "mouth release" is the same as a blowjob.

8. "Extras"

CJ Says: This is code for anything else you want to do above and beyond the massage and handjob. This is where having the extra cash comes in handy.

The most common extras that a newbie might be interested in are dirty talk, lingerie, two-girl, mutual massage and foot worship. Mutual massage is where the customer gets to massage the masseuse. This is a rather popular option because it's basically just an excuse for the guy to play with our breasts for half an hour (although I have received some fabulous massages this way).

9. "Full Service"

CJ Says: This is code for straight-up sex. If the masseuse mentions that she's full service, that basically means that she'll do you. Where I work, we are not full service. However, it's not impolite to ask. In fact, we prefer that you just ask before the session begins so there's no misunderstanding about what is going to happen in that room.