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It's no secret that men poop; it's women we're not so sure about. As you muck up the recently sterling clean bathroom waters with last night's Mexican meal, it's assumed that a long span of time can pass from the moment of unbuckling to the flush of relief. But before you go disguising your flatulence with fresh linen Febreze, it's good to know there are both productive and amusing ways to pass the time of your movement on your smartphone. If you're in the market for a good bathroom time waster, you've hit the jackpot.
The colors of what you are producing on the toilet are not appealing, but the colors in Clay Jam certainly are. If you thought playing with Play-Doh was fun as a child, you are sure to love this game. All you have to do it roll your little clay ball down a hill, squash various clay monsters to make your ball bigger, and then use it to bash a monster at the end. And you only need one finger to guide you. Play it once, and you won't want to stop until you've beat every level.
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2 of 10
You'll be so addicted your friends will think you have a problem, but we assure you, it's worth the hassle to have the highest Temple Run score amongst those assholes. Although it requires a steady concentration and two free hands, which can be tough on the john, this very simple, yet captivating maze of progressively faster, unstoppable motion will bring more excitement to your life than the time you drank a gallon of milk in an hour and made it all the way home before puking on your clean laundry.
The original Temple Run was a real phenomenon with mobile users, made by a clever couple that recently took the run up a notch with their second edition. It's actually not that hard to put down, as you can do it whenever you like since there's no stopping point...so maybe just one more game (and then Christmas passes by and you don't notice it).
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3 of 10
If you're not familiar, Euchre is a popular card game, especially in the Midwest, and it'd be nice if it spread its wings. Those who play it are always looking for new participants, and this mobile version will help teach you both the simplest and most complex strategy game of all time.
It's a four-man game, and since it smells bad enough in the bathroom for the one person who can't really smell it, why not download the phone edition that lets you play from different locations instead of all at the same table? Done.
Euchre 3D Lite is a free app that lets you play the computer so you can hone your skills before taking it to the real table. Or you can try out the Euchre HD app, which allows you to play with real people in your Games app, like friends and people you've convinced to like you over time.
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4 of 10
What better place is there to find love than on the porcelain throne? Some might say Tinder is the best bathroom time waster of all, being able to scroll through countless pictures of pretty girls in your area while you are doing a not-so-pretty thing.
Tinder is essentially the mother of all free superficial dating applications of mankind. It is with great certainty we can say these women are not safe from our dirty paws, whether in the bathroom or upon their bravery to meet us in person. One thing is for certain though; no guys will be honest about how they met their girl if this goes to the altar. "Yeah, I was taking a massive dump and there she was, the girl of my dreams!" Happy hunting, fellas, and you owe us one.
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5 of 10
How does the saying go? Oh yeah. "If there's no photo, it never really happened." Well, since nobody will believe the soda can-sized monster turd you just crapped out, you could always capture both it and your facial expressions on a stop motion 6-second video clip from Vine.
Now Instagram also has a similar Vine-like video option for posting on its app, but with an extra 9 seconds, so you know what, scratch that. Let's Instagram these poops, because nothing says freedom like the option to post either a photo or video of your bathroom shenanigans. Don't forget to tag your ex-girlfriends in it.
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6 of 10
You'll do anything to avoid going back to your desk, including tracking an original demo. Musyc is the latest innovation by Fingerlab, a recording program for people who don't know how to play instruments, truly genius.
For those who don't know what a piccolo or didgeridoo is, they can relax comfortably in their shortcomings, since Musyc is a touch-screen application where notes and sounds are based on the movement of your fingers. It's only a matter of time before they start giving away Grammys to people who don't know how to play music even the slightest bit. Oh, wait...
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7 of 10
Throwing back to the first of all-time mobile time wasters is the infamous Angry Birds, a game based on the common practice of men trying to kill pigs, only there is very little bacon involved. The progressively more difficult and addictive game challenges your geometry and physics skills with a little wrecking crew of birds to strategically knock down different barriers filled with plump little oinkers.
If you have an addictive personality, you'll go from soft addiction poker player in the bathroom stalls into full-on hardcore bird killer. If you haven't tried this, you've been living in a very deep, dark hole.
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8 of 10
The first game to make Words with Friends look like a real snore would be this little modernized throwback referencing the a game we probably shouldn't be teaching our children, Hangman.
With a lighter theme of balloon popping rather than human lynching, this game serves up your Facebook friends and creepy strangers with a word guessing game based on letter guesses. It's like "Wheel of Fortune" without the foxy blonde tart turning the letters.
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9 of 10
What the world really needs is the next great American novel, or just another book to read while pooping. Either way, Pages is a great app for jotting down your thoughts, which can easily be emailed and shared with people.
So if you slowly want to pour out your soul onto paper while you, you can do it in a grammatically correct style with an affordable program just like your overpriced Word software. Who knows, maybe you'll write the next heartbreaking work of staggering genius.
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10 of 10Next: Joys of Summer: Adults vs. Kids
If you have enough time in the bathroom, you could always embark on a fictional journey with your favorite characters or on an enlightened path in the nonfiction realm. You know, actual reading. Of books.
This might be the oldest bathroom time waster there is, but what most people don't know is close to three-fourths of people read in the bathroom when given the option. Although those numbers are drastically changing with mobile technology, it never hurt to throw an inspirational book like the Tao Te Ching or a short novella close by. Even having a subscription to a decent magazine keeps you relevant in the world, aware of current cultural trends or just shows you the latest hottie to land the centerfold. All educational, and all good.
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