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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible.
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Twitter2 of 20
When you wish upon star
Makes no differnece who you are
It's a ball of gas and fire
It can't hear you.
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Twitter3 of 20
The best thing about being single is sleeping around.
You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
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Twitter4 of 20
HEY DON'T BE SCARED OF US EVEN THOUGH OUR MOUTHS ARE KNIVES - birds
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Twitter5 of 20
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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Twitter6 of 20
"PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR!!"
"SPEAK FREELY, SOLDIER!"
"I THINK YOUR DIMPLES ARE SUPER CUTE WHEN YOU SMILE, SIR!"
"O.M.G. THANK YOU!!"
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Twitter7 of 20
I'd say the best part of being ugly is never going into slow motion when I emerge from a swimming pool.
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Twitter8 of 20
Hey girl did it hurt? When you fell? When I pushed you? Because you're skinnier than me?
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Twitter9 of 20
I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
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Twitter10 of 20
"I had a dream within a dream within a dream." Martinception Luther King, Jr.
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Twitter11 of 20
Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age and other times I remember that I'm not 12
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Twitter12 of 20
I open a Capri Sun like I'm giving Uma Thurman an adrenaline shot to her heart.
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Twitter13 of 20
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Twitter14 of 20
*pulls up to a bank* *pulls pantyhose over face* *put giant high heel shoe on head*
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Twitter15 of 20
WHOA HOLD UP GUYS HEAR THAT SIREN MUST MEAN A REMIX IS COMIN ON GET READY oh wait that's an ambulance oh shit someone died guys stop dancing
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Twitter16 of 20
New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
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Twitter17 of 20
The first step to solving a math equation, is admitting that you have a problem.
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Twitter18 of 20
You know you've reached a whole new level of depression when the guy working the Arby's drive-thru asks if you're ok.
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Twitter19 of 20
If you marinate Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries in maple syrup & coffee extract syrup, you can run straight up a tree in your back yard.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
A game show where you win $1,000 for every porn star you identify correctly, sitting between your girlfriend and mom.
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