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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
If you have to say "all lower case" when giving out your email address, maybe emailing isn't for you.
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Twitter2 of 20
What women say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I'm not mad.
Nothing's wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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Twitter3 of 20
Sucks that one day we'll get test results in a text that says "you totes have bowel cancer wtf I know right?!" from a doctor named Jayden.
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Twitter4 of 20
Can you imagine Shakespeare on Twitter? He'd be all "Methinks thee beloved thy midsummers night blah blah blah" UNFOLLOW
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Twitter5 of 20
I consistently overestimate the amount of food that can comfortably fit in a tortilla.
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Twitter6 of 20
Anxiety is thinking you might be pregnant every month, when you never have sex.
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Twitter7 of 20
Are you the person who says, "Let's eat outside?" Congrats! Everybody hates you.
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Twitter8 of 20
"Take Your Child To Work Day" must be awkward at the dildo factory.
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Twitter9 of 20
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth.
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Twitter10 of 20
"HEY I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY ASLEEP & STUFF, BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M LIKE 22 MILES AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW."
-Trains
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Twitter11 of 20
Starting a White House petition to get "Hulkamania" added to WebMD.
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Twitter12 of 20
I'm for gay marriage but against rainbows. I don't know what to do.
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Twitter13 of 20
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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Twitter14 of 20
Short-list of the things LAW & Order ruined for me: jogging in Central Park, taking a long walk by the East River and autoerotic asphyxiation.
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Twitter15 of 20
How come PETA never investigated what Prince was doing to those doves to make them cry?
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Twitter16 of 20
"Eat her already!" - Animal watching people kissing
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Twitter17 of 20
How to be an upstairs neighbor:
> Let a deer run free in your apt
> Chase it around
> Put it in a headlock
> Tackle it to the floor
> Repeat
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Twitter18 of 20
I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick.
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Twitter19 of 20
Weird to think that one day we're all gonna date Taylor Swift.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
I'm gonna try not to spill 4.9 million gallons of oil in the gulf. RT @BP_America What's one thing you could do to save on energy in 2013?
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