The Grossest Habits of Man

Nose Picker

Merely a gateway to the ass scratcher tendencies, snot and boogers were like hidden ice cream and sprinkles for the undeveloped childhood minds. Fast forward a couple decades of no one telling you it's gross to pick, flick and devour and you've got yourself a full-blown case of the nose picker, a dangerously toxic bacteria environment for already disgusting fingernails.

We're not sure who told you your boogers were high in protein, but we assure you, there are far better, more sterile resources for that, even if you enjoy the easy accessibility of your treasure-chest nostrils.

Ass Scratcher

If it isn't our old friend, over-the-pants crotch grabber's older, unemployed brother, the ass scratcher. It's no secret, guys scratch their asses, but so do women, even beautiful yogi women in their shiny stretch pants. Thing is, you don't have to do it so everybody knows you're having an off day where the sun don't play.

Head to the bathroom, trap yourself in a stall and scratch like there's no tomorrow. If you can't control yourself, at least give a polite "excuse me" before heading wrist deep in the danger zone. Not even Kenny Loggins can get himself cleanly out of that jam. Or just find yourself a girl with a weird ass scratching fetish. They exist, I assure you.

Tobacco Spitter

Despite being an acceptable activity of the 1800s, spittoons and tobacco chewing is heavily outdated, in case you were unaware. If you still have a hard time deciphering why women refuse to let you put your tongue in their mouths, we advise again you stop putting that putrid filth under your lip and spitting it into a plastic bottle.

Women are taking a pretty big leap letting guys in who don't chew, so it's pushing boundaries to stick a wad of cancer garbage in your mouth, the same surface used for eating, lovemaking and libations. Quit the chew for good, cowboy; you're not in the West anymore (or even in the MLB).

Seat Down Pisser

We all like to think our aim is clutch, but even Michael Jordan had off days. The truth of the matter when it comes to pissing is no man ever goes without a miss, however brief. Use your feet if you have to, but lift the lid for the ladies' sake and for the reduction of toilet-driven venereal disease.

Men - or anyone for that matter - wouldn't like it much if ladies had their monthly business atop their daily shitting surface. It's a foul thought, but it had to be said. Remember this the next time you're 10 tallboys past the legal limit and try to be a little more considerate, even if your piss is clear as spring waterfalls.

The Interruptor

You've got something important to say all the time, don't you? You probably can't read this entire paragraph without thinking of something to share that's crucial to the world's survival. Here's a thought: shut your lips and listen for once.

The world is filled with the photo-sharing, coked out tendencies of the rudely interrupting know-it-alls but has been seriously lacking in the mindful listeners of the world. If you think everything you say is so important, wait for a moment of silence to fill the space with your nonsense, but silence never hurt either. You may notice people like having you around the quieter you get.

Dinner Table Belcher

In the old days, kids would eat a light portion of mama's homecooking and ask to be excused so they could finish mending the fences and feeding the horses. Nowadays, many folks stuff their faces until they can no longer forcefeed another spoonful and then let out a nice, big belch to let the rest of the table know they're full.

Belching, in case you weren't aware, sullies the appetites and moods of those around you. Although a belch can be a real comic relief in times of group disress, it's usually just farting out of your mouth into someone else's face, and remember, sometimes belches can be worse than farts.

Public Masturbator

One step further than the mid-conversation over-the-pants ball scratcher is the public masturbator, a man with no shame left to his name. Clearly, this is not a common symptom of man, but it does rear its ugly, purple head every once in awhile.

We're only mentioning it because if you're a habitual ball scratcher with little worry for your surroundings, you're just a few steps from heading into the deep end, pal. Every compulsive public masturbator has to start somewhere.

Last Beer Drinker

Depends on your definition of "gross," but many men would agree that taking the last beer from one of your friends is the worst thing a guy can do to another guy, friend or enemy. Even sleeping with his wife and getting the guy's kids to call you Daddy would be better than scooping up the last of the cold and frosties from the Friday night fridge. How dare you call yourself a man!

Dog Poop Denier

The sun might not shine on a dog's butt everyday, but that thing is still going to make a mess, rain or shine. A flourishing epidemic of catastrophic proportions, this is not just a problem of man so much as mankind. Men, women, children and terrorists are all letting their dogs run amok with their plastic-free poop lifestyle.

For the grocers of the supermarket force, a plastic free lifestyle is a progressive forward thinking shift, but for the guy with the 80-pound pitbull that's firing off logs like he's Abe Lincoln, there are little baggies made just for you, some scented for your precious fingers. If you're too big of a wuss to pick up your dog's shit - part of the deal of dog owners - you shouldn't have one in the first place. Pull your weight and get you and your dog's shit together.

Chivalry Absentee

There's nothing grosser to a woman than a man without any manners. Besides an abundance of testosterone and an overwhelming need to be right all the time, manners are really the only things we have left. Holding the doors for strangers, walking ladies to their door - without just the intention of bashing genitals - after a night out and calling instead of texting, these are just a few of the things we forget to do in our sick, sad little wireless world.

"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around." Or at least not slam a door in some poor old lady's old, wrinkly face.