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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Why waste money on a child leash when your kid can grow a rattail for free? Plus, no one wants to steal a kid with a rattail. Two birds.
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Twitter2 of 20
How to eat Mac&Cheese:
1. Boil Water
2. Whip noodles into pot
3. Chug boiling water and raw noodles
4. Snort scheese powder
5. 1000 Pushups
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Twitter3 of 20
Damn girl are you sitting on an F5 key cos that ass is refreshing.
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Twitter4 of 20
summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking
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Twitter5 of 20@HotSugar
i bet if my ex girlfriends get married and have kids THEIR KIDS WILL ALSO BE USING MY FUCKING NETFLIX ACCOUNT!
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Twitter6 of 20
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you're a "waitress" who was "doing her job?"
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Twitter7 of 20
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
"no don't leave"
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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Twitter8 of 20
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."
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Twitter9 of 20
GOD has favorite your tweet: "I'm the pharaoh, forget God"
FROGS has followed you
BOILS has followed you
LOCUSTS has followed you
BLOOD has followed you
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Twitter10 of 20
wtf is an acronym
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Twitter11 of 20
I do this sex move where I step on a Lego and crumble to the floor like a man shot at Normandy.
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Twitter12 of 20
guys, i love havin sex, and...
parrot behind me interrupts: "SQUAWK im gonna tell my friends ive had sex SQAWK i hope they believe me"
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Twitter13 of 20
My Starbucks guy just said, "Looks like you had a rough night!" ...I didn't even go out.
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Twitter14 of 20
Petition to rename the Inescapable prison that is the Friendzone as "Palcatraz"
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Twitter15 of 20
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
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Twitter16 of 20
giv a man a gish adn he'll say "wat is this i ordered a mcflurry"
teach a man to fish adn he'll say "how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds"
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Twitter17 of 20
Obviously, the main reason I was intially so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn't tell which items were in the foreground.
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Twitter18 of 20
There are no Atheists during airplane turbulence or strong orgasms.
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Twitter19 of 20
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
*Kool-Aid man full of kombucha takes his shoes off, enters through front door*
"Namaste."