This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

@9to5Life

I just set my email's auto-response to "I'm looking into this now. I'll let you know."

I literally never have to respond to emails again.

@goldengateblond

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

@Lisa_Bizzle

You know what else is gluten-free at this party Kayla? The door.

@MindyFurano

who else is up and DTF?

(depressed/tired/fat)

@briangaar

If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for like 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs.

@Simon_Barrett

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

@AaronBurdette

My perfect woman would have Jennifer Lopez's butt, Charlize Theron's butt, Megan Fox's butt. She'd just be a pig pile of butts. Nice.

@duplicitron

Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone's eyes were closed.

@BassoonJokes

Yogurt? I didn't spend thousands of dollars on your proper education for you to use slang. It's "hellogurt"

@AlisonAgosti

Remember on Pimp My Ride when Xzibit put a chandelier in some 19 year-old's car and then the housing market crashed?

@jessejoyce

I'm not saying this generation sucks, but 500 million people watched the moon landing, whereas 524 million have watched Charlie Bit Me.

@jennyandteets

Drama is a word boring people use to describe fun people.

@haha_what

I did that Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini to a guy once but my jugs are so bi that he got too full and started vomiting everywhere.

@ieatanddrink

For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds."

@bridger_w

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.

@kim_pulsive

Naming your daughter "Candy" is like giving her a tramp stamp at birth

@Amburglar_

Girls on Facebook who quote "If you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best" are usually always at their worst.

@lafix

Turns out the super shy steampunk guy in my building was a propane tank.