This Week's 20 Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

@Brandamonium 

"Their first album was better," he awkwardly mumbled, as he came all over her stupid bangs - excerpt from my novel of hipster erotica

@BoobsRadley

Never play "seven minutes in heaven" in England, unless you want to risk making out for like 70 Narnia years.

@Cameron_Slade

I don't think my black friends on Facebook have the same keyboard as me.

@EliOlsberg

Next time someone asks "do you like impressions?" grab 'em by the shoulders, look into their eyes and whisper "I fucking love impressions."

@TomHanksIsHot

One time I was driving & I thought this woman was casting a spell on me but she was really just trying to tell me I had books on my car roof

@juliadavidovich

no one wants to see your fucking sock tan, linda

@ispypanda

Next time someone in a haunted house tries to scare you, touch noses & say "I will fuck you in your sleep tonight."

@PaulyMortadella

You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all lamps in the room.

@curlycomedy

Scrub (n.) a guy who thinks he's fly. (syn. Buster)

@JennyPentland

should I get a nose ring? and by nose ring I mean abortion

@BlitznBeans

We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."

@MaryKoCo

If I've "mentioned" you on twitter and you didn't reply, guess who turned the diorama of our first date around so it's facing the wall now

@andylevy

Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

@TheDweck

I wonder how many special moments are currently being ruined by an LMFAO song.

@RockabillyJay

Being full of energy for five hours sounds horrible. 

@Pat_Healy

My favorite part of the turkey is its jive ass.

@StumpWoodley

Paul Ryan should tie a sweater around his neck to complete his "every preppy bad guy from an 80s movie" look.

@MrFornicator

I inhaled a helium ballon filled with cocaine and won a Nicki Minaj karaoke contest.