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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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Twitter2 of 20
Everyone pretends to die in front of their dog, just to see how they would react.
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Twitter3 of 20
Can't believe Hallmark doesn't have a "Sorry I let your guinea pig drink a wine cooler" card.
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Twitter4 of 20
FUN ACTIVITY: When someone identifies his/herself as "awkward", say, "Oh, me too!" and put your entire hand in his/her mouth.
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Twitter5 of 20
"This is how the world works." People in their 20's.
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Twitter6 of 20
Carly Rae Jepsen is not the name of a pop star. It's the name of a high school teacher who marries her student or a mom who drowns her kids.
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Twitter7 of 20
The Precious Moments figurine for age 31 is an angel Googling heel pain.
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Twitter8 of 20
I wish I could get pit by a radioactive confident person.
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Twitter9 of 20
My Hyundai has a warranty of either 10 years or 100,000 insults from friends.
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Twitter10 of 20
When my son says "fish", it sounds remarkably like he's saying "bitch." Either that, or he just called me a bitch.
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Twitter11 of 20
I look like Gollum with his fish when I protect my iPhone from the rain.
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Twitter12 of 20
I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.
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Twitter13 of 20
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair
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Twitter14 of 20
gimme a half caff skinny soy no whip deep dish cool ranch medium hot reduced fat cotton blend all knuckle deeply deserved punch in the face.
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Twitter15 of 20
It's messed up how Cee-Lo became famous and then completely abandoned the other 3 California Raisins.
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Twitter16 of 20
My first two months as a ghost will just be me getting behind people and doing the humping motion.
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Twitter17 of 20
Next time you bake with self-raising flour, remember that it's only self-raising because its parents are DEAD you MONSTER.
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Twitter18 of 20
When your hand is wet when we shake hello you don't have to say "it's just water". I didn't think you pissed all over your hand.
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Twitter19 of 20
Just did that thing when you're walking next to a homeless man and you hold hands for a second to see if he'd make a good father.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
I've never had "the one that got away," but I accidentally left a full bottle of gin at a party one time, so I know how it feels.