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Twitter1 of 26
It's Halloween weekend, so we've gathered the most hilarious and inappropriate tweets making the rounds about the holiday. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
Sorry about the horrible neighborhood you live in, kids who trick-or-treat at the mall.
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Twitter2 of 26
Go to a costume shop, hang out by the wall of president masks, and ask an associate which one shows up blurriest on a bank surveillance tape.
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Twitter3 of 26
too old to go trick or treating you say? megan's law you say? 'haircut' isn't a costume you say? can't drive my car up to your door you say?
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Twitter4 of 26
COSTUME IDEA: get a guy named Calvin to pee on me.
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Twitter5 of 26
My family is so poor we don't have to decorate for Halloween because several of our corpses are already hanging from trees in our yard.
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Twitter6 of 26
As legend has it, each October a magical ghost sweeps from town to town, transforming vacant real spaces into Halloween megastores.
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Twitter7 of 26
Halloween is when normal girls dress like skanks and skanks act like they're wearing a costume.
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Twitter8 of 26
They should change the name "Halloween" to something scarier like "Someone Posted Something On Your Timeline".
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Twitter9 of 26
The scariest Halloween stuff in this CVS is the Christmas stuff.
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Twitter10 of 26
The Crypt Keeper is going as Madonna's arms for Halloween.
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Twitter11 of 26
this Halloween I'm gonna dress up as a lady comfortable at home with the curtains closed
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Twitter12 of 26
On The Voice Halloween special, Cee-Lo's chair turns around and snakes and bugs spill out of his fat head.
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Twitter13 of 26
How many of you are going to be "sexy" aging party girls for Halloween?
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Twitter14 of 26
Halloween is great because all I have to do is put some pretty props around these grave spots and nobody's the wiser.
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Twitter15 of 26
If you put craisins in your salad you don't need a costume Halloween because you are a monster.
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Twitter16 of 26
for halloween this year I'm going as bane except all thin and sickly and my mask is an oxygen mask and I'm confined to a hospital bed
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Twitter17 of 26
The mother from Honey Boo looks like Ralphie May is going as the kid from Mask for Halloween.
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Twitter18 of 26
For Halloween this year, I'm going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I'll already be yelling at everyone for having fun.
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Twitter19 of 26
You know it's almost Hallowen when CVS is out of razor blades and low on candy.
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Twitter20 of 26
This Halloween I'm going as a sexy shut-in that sits in the dark eating fun size candy and hears you knocking and doesn't care. Until March.
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Twitter21 of 26
Tip: both the laziest and most accurate Halloween costume is X-Men's Mystique taking the form of yourself.
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Twitter22 of 26
Halloween is the only time I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
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Twitter23 of 26
Half the time when you think you feel a stray hair tickling you really it's ghost trying to see if you're ticklish teehee
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Twitter24 of 26
The nightmare where you trick or treat at Candy Crowley's house, she answers the door in a negligee and says "Is this what you're after?"
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Twitter25 of 26
I love decorating my house of Halloween! I've already set out the scary stuff like ghosts, jack-o-laterns, & Sarah Jessica Parker's arms.
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Twitter26 of 26Next: Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets
this ghost is trying to scare me and i just keep calling him "my boo" i think he is getting angry
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