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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus.
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Twitter2 of 20
I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.
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Twitter3 of 20
"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit
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Twitter4 of 20
The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come in.
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Twitter5 of 20
1. Place new batteries on table. 2. Take out old batteries. 3. Place old batteries on table. 4. Mix 'em all the fuck up. 5. Trial and error.
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Twitter6 of 20
"He's probably out fucking some whore, I'm over him." - Me when a guy takes more than 5 mins. to text me back.
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Twitter7 of 20
If I had a dime for every time I had sex, I'd be in the hole, which is very ironic.
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Twitter8 of 20
I'm 28 years old and I still can't open a cereal box without making the top look like a turtle fucked it.
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Twitter9 of 20
I don't like the term "slut." I prefer "convenient."
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Twitter10 of 20
It's pretty adorable how raccoons and deer take naps on the side of highways all the time.
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Twitter11 of 20
Bowling alleys smell like not diplomas.
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Twitter12 of 20
I scream out "MAYBE! MAYBE! MAYBE!" while I'm being fucked just to keep him on his toes.
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Twitter13 of 20
My little girl is so adorable. Today she told me that I was her best friend. You hear that, Caitlin? HOW'S MY ASS TASTE, BITCH?
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Twitter14 of 20
I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.
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Twitter15 of 20
Knowing my luck, I'll probably end up having one of those babies that would need to be fed every day.
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Twitter16 of 20
This girl's skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
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Twitter17 of 20
I like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.
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Twitter18 of 20
I still remember pooping my pants in 1st grade and them giving me roadrunner underwear from a file cabinet. thanks for following me on twitter
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Twitter19 of 20
What if it turns out I am a successful businessman masquerading as not that
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
All together, roughly 6% of my brain is just Star Wars sound effects
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