There was a time period when I would record every single episode of "Storage Wars." I don't know what it was about watching a bunch of thrift shop owners purchase inventory for their stores, but I was addicted. Since then the show may have spread itself too thin with spin-offs and new characters, and those bizarre lawsuits, but let's remember the glory days of "Storage Wars." The crazy thing is that we kept watching even though every episode was basically the exact same thing. This sums up the plot for nearly every episode you've ever seen:
Dan: All right-who's ready to buy a room full of someone's life that they couldn't afford to store so we're selling it off and making absurd money for a reality show?
Everyone: Yeah! We love it!
Dan opens the locker.
Dave: Well, there's a refrigerator box. I just looked it up and, if my sources are correct, there's probably a refrigerator in there. You can easily sell those for $8000 so I'll be bidding on this one.
Darrell: Hmm, I'm not seeing any tanktops in there so I'm probably not interested. What do you think, Brando?
Brandon: Dirt bikes are cool.
Darrell: Brando, stop talking about dirt bikes and watch the master at work. Now hand me my sunglasses. You'll know which ones are mine because they'll match the sunglasses tan line on my face that I keep at all times.
Jared: I like this one. Should we bid on it, Brandi?
Brandi: I would like to bid on a locker that's full of shirts because you've been wearing a variation of the same Outlaw T-shirt with a pair of JNCO shorts for the last decade.
Jared: So is that a yes or no?
Brandi: OK, but our limit is $500.
Jared: Perfect.
Barry rides in on the shoulders of a gorilla riding a unicycle.
Barry: I don't want any (Barry lowers his sunglasses) monkey trouble.
Dan: Barry, that's not even a pun.
Barry: Who cares? I'm rich!
Dan: Did you look in the locker yet?
Barry: I bid $9000!
Dan: We haven't started yet.
Barry: What? Sorry I guess you could say I have (Barry lowers his sunglasses) more monkey, more problems.
Dan: Again, that doesn't make sense. Let's start the bidding at $100.
Dave: YUUUUUP!
Jared: Dave is bidding so now I have to bid. I'm bidding $450.
Brandi: That's fine but remember our limit is $500.
Darrell: I bid $500.
Jared: $700!
Brandi: Oh my god, are you serious?
Jared: What if there's more Outlaw shirts in there?
Brandi: Trust me, there's no Outlaw shirts anywhere else in the world.
Jared: OK, then I'm out.
Barry wants to bid but he has a pair of novelty buck teeth stuck in his mouth and has to be escorted out by a paramedic.
Darrell: Looks like it's just me and you now, Dave. I'm going to bid way more so it looks dramatic but really, we're just wasting each other's money for no reason.
Dave: Sounds good!
The two do a series of bids where Dave yells "YUUUP" then Darrell does some kind of weird blinking move or fart sound with his armpit. Eventually Dave wins the locker.
Dave: Yeah! That's why I'm the best at buying storage lockers. This is a real thing I brag about. You can buy my shirts online!
Everyone leaves as Dave starts going through the locker.
Dave: Well, here's a lava lamp. Those are really valuable. I price this one at $800. This mattress with urine stains should go for around $1100. Here's a box of packing peanuts. I used to work in the moving industry so I can guarantee these will sell for $4400. Oh my, what is this?
Dave pulls a graduation picture out of a box of a man named Kevin Simpson.
Dave: Wow, this is fascinating. I'm not really familiar with the value of graduation pictures but I know an expert that can help me appraise it.
Dave leaves and goes to see some sort of photo expert.
Dave: So, what is this worth?
Expert: Well, I mean if you found the family of the guy who was in these photos and he had passed away and they had no photos of him whatsoever, you could probably sell it to them. Otherwise, it's completely useless.
Dave: How much do you think I could sell it to them for?
Expert: Again, this is a completely fictitious story I made up in a very bizarre hypothetical situation. More than likely your picture is useless, but if you wanted to sell it to this imaginary family I would guess they'd pay $5,000?
Dave: Wow. I just made $5,000 just on this one item alone. That's why I'm the mogul. Darrell, you can suck it, buddy. I'm the best. Combine this with the other items I overinflated in that locker and I turned a $900 investment into approximately $85,000. I'm assuming I'll get full retail value on most items or that they'll be a rare collector looking for the others, but I'm confident they'll all sell immediately. There's no way this junk will just end up sitting on the shelves of my thrift store. Nope. No way!
(All photos courtesy of A&E)
See Also: The 12 Most Annoying Things People Say on "House Hunters"