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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
I hate how girls always send cryptic messages like "Please stop calling me". What does that even mean?!? I better call to ask.
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Twitter2 of 20
What's worse, uncontrollable diarrhea or diarrhea you can completely control to the point of riding it around like Iceman?
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Twitter3 of 20
I wonder what Kelly Ripa and her 36 miniature abdominal muscles are doing this afternoon.
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Twitter4 of 20
The difference between this waffle house & a crack house is that someone at the crack house would have asked me what I wanted by now
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Twitter5 of 20
I really don't think I have attention deficit disorder me a pizza please?
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Twitter6 of 20
I keep a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff so if I ever have amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm AWESOME!
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Twitter7 of 20
Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.
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Twitter8 of 20
I used to always ask my mom for things and she'd say "what's the magic word" and I'd say "abracadabra" and she'd say "you're why dad left."
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Twitter9 of 20
@0ddfellow
I once solved a Rubik's Cube by peeling the stickers off and then throwing the entire thing in the trash.
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Twitter10 of 20
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.
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Twitter11 of 20
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ? What the fuck were they so excited about?
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Twitter12 of 20
Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice.
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Twitter13 of 20
Does anyone else's therapist say things like, "are you shitting me?!" and "this is pure gold" when you answer their questions?
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Twitter14 of 20
Why do kids' birthday parties need a theme? How about - congrats on ruining your parents' lives and have some cake, you ungrateful fuck?
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Twitter15 of 20
Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.
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Twitter16 of 20
"Wow 6 facebook friends have birthdays today," I whispered to no one. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what sunlight feels like.
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Twitter17 of 20
THIS. IS. SPARTA! Just kidding welcome to Chili's. For one?
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Twitter18 of 20
Grandma's been planking on the basement floor since last night.
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Twitter19 of 20
I love sleep because I hate people and I'm really into dying but I also like to wake up and eat.
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious Tweets
If Lil Wayne passed out while you were partying, you could draw a dick on his face and he probably wouldn't notice for like, 2 weeks.