Is it really possible that every contestant on a reality competition show has never seen another reality competition show? That's the only way I can figure out why almost every contestant insists on constantly saying the same dumb, annoying statements over and over. At this point, I would love for someone to come on and say, "Whatever. If I win it's cool, and if not, that's cool too." I would adore that contestant. Since that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, we're stuck complaining about the awful contestants. Here are the 12 most annoying things they won't stop saying.
1. "Now It's Personal"
Have you ever noticed the dumber the competition, the more "personal" the competition becomes? It seems as though these people forget that they're competing against each other and not hanging out at summer camp. Of course the person you're going head to head against isn't going to help you cut fabric. That's like a NASCAR driver slowing down to let another driver pass him.
2. "I Can't Believe He Betrayed Our Friendship"
Yeah, isn't it weird that the guy trying to win a million dollars-who knows you're the only thing in the way-doesn't want to be best pals? I have seen people weeping during reality shows about making cupcakes. What sort of emotional downward spiral do you have to be on where someone insulting your frosting can ruin your life? Maybe the cutthroat world of cupcake decorating isn't for you.
3. "I Will Do Whatever It Takes"
No, you won't. You're in a singing competition on cable. Are you telling me you would take a knife and murder a girl because she's a better singer than you? If no, then you're way too dramatic in your interviews. If yes, then you're completely insane and should live in a hollowed out tree in the wilderness.
4. "You Definitely Haven't Heard the Last of Me"
You finished 11th on "The Bachelor." Trust me, we have DEFINITELY heard the last of you.
5. "I'm Not Here to Make Friends"
Why do so many of these contestants talk about friendships? Just once, I want a guy who is ONLY there to make friends. He doesn't even finish his own projects because he's too busy ordering Edible Arrangements for all of his new pals. Then when any of his competitors were being interviewed and starting talking about how they aren't there to make friends, he could pop in and say, "But I am!" Then he'd give them a T-shirt he airbrushed with both of their faces on it. Who would eliminate that guy?
6. Shock Over a Twist
There is always going to be some sort of twist in every episode. Have you ever seen a show where the host said, "OK, your job this week is to make eggs. That's it. Literally nothing else is going to happen." We all know something is going to be added or changed, so why must we sit through the montage of contestants with their jaws on the floor and dramatic music before cutting to a commercial break? Just tell us the dumb twist and move on. The remote is all away across the room so we're not changing the channel.
7. "I'm here to compete and win."
Yeah guy, we know you joined a competition show to win. No one is expecting you to say, "I'm really just here to finish 4th or 5th. I think that would be nice." Also I'd like to point out that you're in a competition to date a burned out rocker from the 80s, so even if you win, you still pretty much lost.
8. "I'm Doing This for My Family"
If your kid needs a heart transplant and you're trying to win Steve Austin's Broken Skull Challenge to pay for his surgery, then by all means, let us know you're doing it for your family. But usually that is not the case. We get an 8-minute tear-filled montage about a contestant whose dad just found out he has gout. I'll PayPal you the $6 to get him a bottle of Advil if you'll just go away.
9. "No One Is Safe!"
If this is a show about being hunted by wolves, then your statement is completely justified and that Michael Myers-like music is completely justified. We're talking about a reality show hosted by another reality show contestant where you have to lip sync to cabaret songs while doing low impact karate. The only person that isn't safe is whoever got talked into watching this show with their significant other. The best thing that could happen to you is to be sent home so your children don't see this footage.
10. "At the End of the Day, It Comes Down To ..."
Usually this statement ends something like this: "At the end of the day it just comes down to who has the most talent." Wow. Yes, that is such an excellent point. What's your insight on sports? "Well, at the end of the day it comes down to whoever scores the most points." Ah, I see. "At the end of the day this eBay auction just comes down to whoever bids the most money." Fascinating!
11. "I've Made Friendships That Will Last a Lifetime"
You did clown makeup with 36 other people for 3 hours. They're not even going to remember your name tomorrow.
12. Fake Excitement Over a Guest Judge
I know it's a show and you have to pretend to be excited over a guest judge that agreed to be on the show, but you're not going to convince me that Alec Baldwin's costume designer on "It's Complicated" caused you to hyperventilate. We all know they told you guys beforehand and you had to look them up on Wikipedia. You're not fooling us.