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When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
- Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) January 16, 2014
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
- Jessie (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
*Dinner with 5 people from history* FDR: "Wait, do we die again when this is over?" Grandfather: "I don't want to die." Jesus: "HELP US!"
- Spencer Porter (@porters) April 23, 2014
Someone told me to "have a great weekend" so I said "have a good weekend" to make sure I have a better weekend.
- Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) May 10, 2014
Saw a bad accident from my hot air balloon so I tried landing to help but just ended up killing everyone even worse
- Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) February 9, 2014
There's gotta be a few seconds during a bear attack where the bear is huggin you and you're just like "aww."
- Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) October 27, 2014
I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.
- Drew Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) January 15, 2014
I'm an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
- Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 17, 2014
Prison doesn't look so bad. It combines two of my favourite things: getting winked at and trays that keep green beans away from potatoes.
- vladchoc (@vladchoc) November 18, 2014
What's a 27-letter word for "Corn"? pic.twitter.com/lAyu5kKAEC
- Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 22, 2014
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
- Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) February 12, 2014
All those years I spent not liking cilantro, it turns out that what I really needed to learn to like...was myself.
- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 11, 2014
the people who write those "how to talk politics at thanksgiving" pieces have no idea they're the ones their relatives are dreading seeing
- andy levy (@andylevy) November 26, 2014
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
- Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 3, 2014
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?
- elan gale (@theyearofelan) November 11, 2014
Dearly beloved. You guys we're here to honor the totes amaze life of someone who can't even right now. Please open your Instagrams to pg 2
- Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) February 23, 2014
When asked my greatest weakness at a job interview, I say "my knees when I'm with you" then I try to kiss the interviewer
- Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) September 15, 2014
We are using lasers to fix our eyes instead of shooting lasers out of our eyes. 2014 sucks.
- Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) June 12, 2014
CATS: We got a lifetime of naps and belly rubs. What about you? HUMANS: Superior intellect C: Cool what's it for? H: Math and feeling bad
- Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) September 21, 2014
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 8, 2014
Don't call 'em soft pretzels you don't know what they've been through.
- George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 5, 2014
kind of surprised there isn't a baby named livelaughlove yet
- Mandy Slamberg (@MandySlamberg) January 21, 2014
Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
- Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 23, 2014
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
- Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) June 27, 2014
You think you're pretty okay at doing stuff, and then you try to plug something into an outlet you're not looking directly at.
- lanyard (@lanyardigan) March 2, 2014
HAH FAIL starbucks guy got my name wrong after hearin it 1 time in a noisy store amidst 200 other names. anyway is today tuesday or saturday
- Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) February 20, 2014
took the "Which Disney Princess Are You?" quiz and got Quasimodo
- Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) June 8, 2014
When I see a 50-year-old man in a French bike racing cap, the first thing I say is, "Sorry about your divorce."
- Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) August 15, 2014
When someone says there's no global warming because it's cold out is like someone saying there's no world hunger because they just ate
- Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) January 5, 2014
Iggy Azalea won the AMA for best hip hop album and One Direction won the AMA for best rock album and nobody is in charge of anything I guess
- Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) November 24, 2014
I would rather get hit by a car than jog in place at an intersection.
- Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) June 22, 2014
"Follow the yellow brick road!" "Oh. So like, the only road here?" "Look, just let us have this."
- Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) September 15, 2014
Hung this at my desk to inspire motivation/soul crushing realism. pic.twitter.com/h57RppczFD
- Ally Maynard (@missmayn) June 3, 2014
My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.
- Shane Murphy (@Shanehasabeard) January 20, 2014
I don't understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it's all just bullsh - HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) October 10, 2014
One of McDonald's mascots is a guy who steals from McDonald's.
- Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) March 11, 2014
Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
- shelby fero (@shelbyfero) May 20, 2014
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.
- Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 5, 2014
Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go.
- stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 8, 2014
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
- Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) July 17, 2014
"Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops." - Game of Thrones
- Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) June 2, 2014
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
- Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
can't believe that men think calling 'unattractive' women 'dogs' is ever an insult. hey shit for brains have you seen dogs they're fantastic
- natalie mooney (@nataliejmooney) July 1, 2014
First Date Tip: 1) Wait for check to arrive 2) Insist on paying like a gentleman 3) Lock eyes 4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes
- Glennonymous (@justaride) August 12, 2014
wow, my band "coldplay secret show" played a sold out gig tonight for four hundred very angry people
- demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 26, 2014
A good April Fools to play at your job is to just work there and work there and work there but secretly hate it the whole time and then die.
- Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) April 1, 2014
Tostitos Hint of Lime should be called Tostitos So Much Damned Lime It's A Lime Holocaust In Your Mouth All You'll Ever Taste Again Is Lime.
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 8, 2014
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
- patrick (@tastefactory) June 25, 2014
"That gap in my work history? Oh I quit to pursue American Ninja Warrior full time." -every American Ninja Warrior contestant, 1 year later.
- Emily V Gordon (@thegynomite) July 29, 2014
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
- MattyTalks (@mattytalks) April 15, 2014
My high-school wrestling coach called me "the raccoon" cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
- Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) June 4, 2014
Hey empty nest parents, if you want your kid to call you just change your Netflix password.
- Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 26, 2014
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
- pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) February 27, 2014
what did the dad from Dirty Dancing think would happen if he called his daughter Baby for 17 years
- victoria (@theblowout) February 11, 2014
There's a calm before every storm. And after most storms it's calm too. Basically it's either calm or there is a storm.
- Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) January 5, 2014
TURN DOWN FOR YOUR FATHER WHO JUST BOUGHT YOU BRAND NEW SOCCER CLEATS AND TOOK YOU AND YOUR SISTER TO PANERA, THAT'S WHAT!
- Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) July 16, 2014
22 year old me after a night of drinking: "I hope I didn't do anything stupid." 29 year old me: "I hope I didn't agree to go on a hike."
- Ian Karmel (@IanKarmel) April 26, 2014
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase "but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that"
- Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) March 19, 2014
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
- Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) October 8, 2014
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
- ballin' ass furlin (@thefurlinator) January 10, 2014
*accidentally knocks 'G' off graveyard sign* [beat drops] *skeletons rise from ground twirling glowsticks dancing like crazy*
- Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 5, 2014
I explained 'gluten allergy' to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
- Paige (@PeachCoffin) May 14, 2014
Tweeting "Unfollow" is like crashing a party you weren't invited to, then announcing you're leaving when no one even knew you were there.
- kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) August 26, 2014
if you bring a broom to a game and it ends up not being a sweep you should be required to help clean the stadium
- Lana Berry (@Lana) October 6, 2014
From: Anna To: Elsa Subj: ⛄️?
- |\/|∆(R)|{o.├┤Ø%û5 (@markhoppus) February 12, 2014
Way to ruin the surprise, Spanish exclamation points.
- Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) August 22, 2014
me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary
- chuuch (@ch000ch) November 10, 2014
Thanks for tagging me in that photo where my face and neck look like all one thing, unified, one nation under God, indivisible
- Ahm 76 (@Ahm76) March 19, 2014
me: goodnight moon :) moon: night<3 me: goodnight stars :) moon: wtf me: sry wrongnumber moon: whos stars moon: who is stars moon: answer me
- jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 21, 2014
Son, it's time to tell you about the birds and bees. *peers through blinds* They're everywhere, son. They rule the skies. Here's a gun.
- Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 29, 2014
BAE: come over BATMAN: i'm fighting crime BAE: my parents aren't home BATMAN: *tears up* same
- sadvil (@crylenol) June 13, 2014
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
- Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
- rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 13, 2014
what if you added the letters S and E to the X files hahha. it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lmao
- r milk (@rad_milk) April 25, 2014
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
- Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2014
Opinions are like birthdays. Everybody has one & I only know yours because of Facebook
- Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) October 7, 2014
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
- shauna (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2014
[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
- Brent (@murrman5) September 11, 2014
Hey Brenda, let's watch this cute kitten video! *clicks on "Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?"* Haha whoops wrong video but LET'S HEAR IT OUT
- Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) March 5, 2014
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
- keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 31, 2014
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
- Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) April 8, 2014
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
- audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 28, 2014
Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
- Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) March 4, 2014
If I ever ordered a beer and the bartender said "Take a pitcher it'll last longer" that would be a very successful upsell.
- Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 22, 2013
An app like Tinder but for dads who wanna bbq.
- Thaileure Laimnquaux (@tlemco) November 3, 2014
Soup is for when you're too sad to chew
- Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) November 4, 2014
[Hostage situation] Um I don't want to be "that hostage", but I just want to let you know I have a gluten allergy.
- Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 15, 2014
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. there is no cure.
- michael (@michaeljhudson) November 21, 2014
"how would you like your steak prepared?" i'd like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
- (C)hris[TM] (@ChrisTrauma) October 2, 2014
Hey sorry I can't hang out I already hung out with someone this year
- Zachary Flynn (@zacharyflynn) September 16, 2014
"RIP." - Christian tombstone "BRB." - Buddhist tombstone
- Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) January 30, 2014
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
- Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) April 21, 2014
Took a picture with another girl today so I immediately turned completely sideways and put my hand on my hip. It's a disease, really.
- erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) May 2, 2014
"Welcome to the jungle" Thanks. "We've got fun and games" Cool. "You're in the jungle" We've established this "You're gonna die!" Wait what?
- Tweets by Dreidel (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 23, 2014
Nancy Grace is what would happen if a Caps Lock key came to life
- Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 30, 2014
Oh sure, make fun of Columbus. Like you've never gone to the grocery store for spices, gotten lost, then murdered several million people.
- Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) October 13, 2014
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
- Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) June 18, 2014
We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.
- Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 20, 2014