We all want to be well-liked and respected, to be considered a "good friend." We mostly want to be nice and compassionate. There comes a point, however, where we also don't want to be burdened with other people's problems. We don't want to appear uncaring or selfish, though. That's where an empty gesture comes in. An empty gesture is something you say or offer to a friend without actually meaning it. You want them to believe that you are there for them, but you have no intention of truly helping out. The art of the empty gesture takes many years to master, but I'm here to help get you started in the right direction. Below are eight common scenarios in which your friend is facing one of life's many difficulties, and the perfect empty gesture to make to avoid helping them -- while still looking like a saint.
1. Your friend is very sick.
Empty Gesture: "Oh man, that sucks. Let me know if I can run out and get you chicken soup or something."
Your friend knows you live 20 minutes away and would never actually ask you to go get him soup. Plus, he's sick as hell and the last thing he even wants right now is any damn soup. But, he now thinks you would do anything for him. What a friend!
2. Your friend needs a ride.
Empty Gesture: "Sure I can give you a lift; I just have a few things I need to do first so I might not be able to get you there on time. Is that cool?"
It's definitely not cool, but you still look good because you said you could give him a ride...you know...if he wasn't in a such a hurry (which he is because he's going to the airport). After he says never mind, offer to call him a cab instead.
3. Your friend is moving.
Empty Gesture: "I already have plans during your move time, but let me know if I can bring beers and pizza over to your new place later!"
You miss out on the shit part of moving day, and are a hero for the best part if your friend actually takes you up on that. It's a win-win.
4. Your friend is looking for a new job.
Empty Gesture: "Let me hit up my HR department and see if there are any openings for you at my company."
You are not going to go near your HR department, but your friend thinks it was nice of you to go out of your way for him. When he questions you about it in two weeks, just say you never heard anything back.
5. Your friend's pet died.
Empty Gesture: "I'm so sorry. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
Of course there is nothing you can do. It was a freaking pet. Your friend will most likely respond with, "Thank you, I'll be fine," but at the very worst he will just want to go out for a drink tonight...but oops, you are busy. So maybe next week?
6. Your friend needs a babysitter.
Empty Gesture: "Yeah, I'd be happy to babysit. I may have a date over for a bit while I'm watching lil' Timmy, but the more babysitters the merrier, right?"
The fact that you may be fornicating while you are supposed to be watching your friend's kid will horrify him, and he will politely never bring babysitting up to you again.
7. Your friend invites you to his show.
Empty Gesture: "Unfortunately, I am out of town that night. But definitely let me know when your next show is and I'll be there for sure."
This one is risky, and you hate to lie to your friend, but in this case he has left you no choice. Friends do not accept weak excuses for missing their shows, especially since they are relying on you to be 20 percent of the audience. But, by telling him you'll be out of town, he'll accept it and understand. And, your friend thinks it's super cool that you're interested in his future shows (but now you have to pray that there won't be any).
8. Your friend needs a place to stay.
Empty Gesture: "My place is a little messy, but I can clean it up real quick and you are more than welcome to crash on my futon for a few days."
You're such a nice guy, but nobody wants to sleep on a futon covered in Hot Pocket stains (and much grosser, blacklight-only stains). He'll find someplace else.