We raise our kids the best way we know how and try to make them the best person they could possibly be. But let's face it, so many of the things we give our kids shit for doing, we do ourselves on almost a daily basis. I'm definitely not saying we shouldn't teach our children these important lessons, but most of the time we definitely aren't leading by example. Here are 12 things we tell kids to do that we never actually do ourselves.
1. Eat Everything on Your Plate
![Elf eating gif]()
Them: Even if you don't try to make your kids eat everything on their plates, one of the biggest standoffs you have as a parent is trying to talk them into eating something they say they don't like. If you took the time to make it or ordered it for them, they're going to eat it.
You: When was the last time you sat down at Arby's and opened what was supposed to be a roast beef that turned out to be a ham sandwich? Odds are you didn't recall that lesson about eating whatever is in front of you no matter if you like it or not. I've driven back to Burger King because they forgot to put ketchup on a Whopper, so maybe cut your kid a little slack when he doesn't want to eat that piece of salmon that smells like Shrek's toilet.
2. Get Plenty of Rest
![sleeping kid]()
Them: Of course you're going to tell your kid to get plenty of sleep because most of their developing is done while they're out. Plus, you always need those two hours after they go down to watch something on your DVR that has a rating above TV-14. The last thing you need is your child going to preschool and quoting "Sons of Anarchy."
You: You know you never give yourself a bedtime. Not only do you stay up way too late, you stay up way too late while doing absolutely nothing productive. It would be one thing if you were bettering yourself as a person, but odds are you're just mindlessly scrolling through your Facebook feed until your contacts start to feel like glue in your eyes.
3. Don't Watch Too Much TV
![homer simpson tv]()
Them: Kids need to stay active and not spend all their time sitting in front of the TV. You get one hour of television and then you have to go play outside or do something educational. The only way you can get more TV time is if you watch something that teaches you math, spelling, or a foreign language that you'll never use.
You: The closest thing you watch to educational television is "Pawn Stars," when Rick gives a sketchy, 30 second history lesson on a customer's samurai sword. And as far as not watching too much TV, let's remember Saturdays and Sundays during football season when we basically start to become one with the recliner. Technically NFL Redzone only counts as one show, even though it lasts 7 hours, right?
4. Curse
![middle finger kid]()
Them: There's no quicker way to get in trouble as a kid than to say a curse word. We do not use that kind of PG-13 language in this house young man. I'm not raising an even smaller Joe Pesci to grow up and be one of the Goodfellas.
You: Hmm, unless I missed a truly bizarre episode of "Dora the Explorer," I don't think she ever called Swiper a "shit sniffer" so I wonder where your little princess heard such terminology? If you made yourself start using a swear jar, you'd have to get a second job just to cover your profanity-riddled swearfest that takes place every time your boss asks you to come in on Saturday for no real reason.
5. Stop Playing on Your Phone
![first world problems toilet phone]()
Them: No kid of mine is going to be watching YouTube videos on road trips instead of looking at the marvels and sights of the world. Look at that open road! You're not going to get a view like that on any blog.
You: You can't even go an entire meal without glancing down at your phone to see if maybe some random stranger poked, liked, or commented on your selfie. Every time you hear an alert from your phone you spring out of your chair and sprint over like the last ten minutes of "The Gambler." I know that's a newer reference and you may not have seen it yet, but towards the end there's this bizarrely long scene where Marky Mark is just running down the road at full speed. When you finally do watch it, you'll see that scene and remember this moment.
6. Don't Pick Your Nose
![]()
Them: If you feel like you need to clear out your nose, go to the bathroom and get a tissue like a civilized part of society. We don't DVR "Downton Abbey" for nothing, young man. We are a house of culture and sophistication.
You: If you think no one is watching, you finger is deeper in your nostril than the irrigation pipes that Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt strapped themselves to during the F-5 on "Twister." If you've ever stopped at a red light next to any other vehicle you know most people have no problem digging for a booger at any given moment. Some even do that move where their mouth hangs open and their finger just sits in their nose like they're frozen in time at the worst possible moment.
7. Sit up Straight
![funny cat on couch]()
Them: We don't slouch in our chairs. That's rude and disrespectful. There are people out there who would love to have a non-curvy spine so be thankful for that. Heck, some people don't even have a chair to slouch in at all!
You: Some of us have done a decent job making sure our posture is in line, but others not so much. How is it possible you made your body look like the letter C? You're slumped down so far in your chair, it looks like you're waiting on a snake charmer to start playing a flute so you can slither back to the surface.
8. Make Your Bed
![zero tucks given bed]()
Them: What do we do every morning before brushing our teeth? That's right, we make our beds. I don't care if you're just going to mess it up as soon as you get back into it tonight. We pride ourselves in our crisp sheets and numerous decorative pillows.
You: Unless your parents are coming to visit or you have a date you're trying to impress, you do that move where you yank the comforter up over the entire bed while the sheet stays down at the bottom and it's so lumpy it looks like a dozen toddlers completely failing at hide and seek.
9. Watch Something Different
![]()
Them: You've watched "Frozen" every day for the last six months so we're not watching it again for at least a week. You need to find something new to enjoy anyway. Plus I keep finding myself humming "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" at work and my co-workers are starting to stare.
You: How many new shows are on your DVR? If you do try something new you usually end up hating it, turning it off, and watching the same rerun of "Futurama" you've seen a dozen times. Don't forget all those mornings you turned on ESPN and let the exact same episode of "SportsCenter" play over and over until 2pm.
10. Wait an Hour After Eating Before You Swim
![John Travolta eating in pool]()
Them: You can't get in the water, even if you're wearing floaties and a life vest, because you could get a cramp from that turkey sandwich and drown in the public pool before anyone even notices. It happened to my friend's cousin's neighbor when I was little. He was definitely real and definitely died.
You: Not only do you cannonball into the water as soon as you've inhaled as many hot dogs as the grill could hold, you also bought one of those drink holders that float so you can drink beers in the water and if one happens to fall out of your hand, it won't sink. Maybe if you're at the point that you can't grip a beer, it might be time to get out of the lake for a bit and take a nap?
11. Always Tell the Truth
![Archer lying quote]()
Them: Honesty is always the best policy. If you tell the truth, you'll get in trouble, but nowhere near as much trouble as you will if you tell a lie. Well, unless you broke something really expensive then you're never getting an allowance for the rest of your life.
You: If there's any lesson we should listen to it's this one, but we definitely don't. "That's strange, I guess your email didn't go through." "My phone has been acting up so I guess I never got your text about inviting me to your party that I wanted to attend oh so badly and certainly didn't cringe as soon as I read it." If lies were old people, you'd be Cracker Barrel at 10am on a Tuesday.
12. Getting Upset Over Nothing
![Arnold Gif]()
Them: Are you really screaming and crying because you dropped a spoon? Let's try not to make a big deal out of everything and flip out over stuff that doesn't matter nor does it affect us in any way.
You: Have you ever argued with someone in the comment section of an Internet article? Ever thrown your hat or yelled at the TV after your favorite team lost a game? Maybe deep down we're all just big poopy pants toddlers that have learned more subtle ways of throwing tantrums when we don't get our way.
1. Eat Everything on Your Plate
Them: Even if you don't try to make your kids eat everything on their plates, one of the biggest standoffs you have as a parent is trying to talk them into eating something they say they don't like. If you took the time to make it or ordered it for them, they're going to eat it.
You: When was the last time you sat down at Arby's and opened what was supposed to be a roast beef that turned out to be a ham sandwich? Odds are you didn't recall that lesson about eating whatever is in front of you no matter if you like it or not. I've driven back to Burger King because they forgot to put ketchup on a Whopper, so maybe cut your kid a little slack when he doesn't want to eat that piece of salmon that smells like Shrek's toilet.
2. Get Plenty of Rest
Them: Of course you're going to tell your kid to get plenty of sleep because most of their developing is done while they're out. Plus, you always need those two hours after they go down to watch something on your DVR that has a rating above TV-14. The last thing you need is your child going to preschool and quoting "Sons of Anarchy."
You: You know you never give yourself a bedtime. Not only do you stay up way too late, you stay up way too late while doing absolutely nothing productive. It would be one thing if you were bettering yourself as a person, but odds are you're just mindlessly scrolling through your Facebook feed until your contacts start to feel like glue in your eyes.
3. Don't Watch Too Much TV
Them: Kids need to stay active and not spend all their time sitting in front of the TV. You get one hour of television and then you have to go play outside or do something educational. The only way you can get more TV time is if you watch something that teaches you math, spelling, or a foreign language that you'll never use.
You: The closest thing you watch to educational television is "Pawn Stars," when Rick gives a sketchy, 30 second history lesson on a customer's samurai sword. And as far as not watching too much TV, let's remember Saturdays and Sundays during football season when we basically start to become one with the recliner. Technically NFL Redzone only counts as one show, even though it lasts 7 hours, right?
4. Curse
Them: There's no quicker way to get in trouble as a kid than to say a curse word. We do not use that kind of PG-13 language in this house young man. I'm not raising an even smaller Joe Pesci to grow up and be one of the Goodfellas.
You: Hmm, unless I missed a truly bizarre episode of "Dora the Explorer," I don't think she ever called Swiper a "shit sniffer" so I wonder where your little princess heard such terminology? If you made yourself start using a swear jar, you'd have to get a second job just to cover your profanity-riddled swearfest that takes place every time your boss asks you to come in on Saturday for no real reason.
5. Stop Playing on Your Phone
Them: No kid of mine is going to be watching YouTube videos on road trips instead of looking at the marvels and sights of the world. Look at that open road! You're not going to get a view like that on any blog.
You: You can't even go an entire meal without glancing down at your phone to see if maybe some random stranger poked, liked, or commented on your selfie. Every time you hear an alert from your phone you spring out of your chair and sprint over like the last ten minutes of "The Gambler." I know that's a newer reference and you may not have seen it yet, but towards the end there's this bizarrely long scene where Marky Mark is just running down the road at full speed. When you finally do watch it, you'll see that scene and remember this moment.
6. Don't Pick Your Nose
Them: If you feel like you need to clear out your nose, go to the bathroom and get a tissue like a civilized part of society. We don't DVR "Downton Abbey" for nothing, young man. We are a house of culture and sophistication.
You: If you think no one is watching, you finger is deeper in your nostril than the irrigation pipes that Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt strapped themselves to during the F-5 on "Twister." If you've ever stopped at a red light next to any other vehicle you know most people have no problem digging for a booger at any given moment. Some even do that move where their mouth hangs open and their finger just sits in their nose like they're frozen in time at the worst possible moment.
7. Sit up Straight
Them: We don't slouch in our chairs. That's rude and disrespectful. There are people out there who would love to have a non-curvy spine so be thankful for that. Heck, some people don't even have a chair to slouch in at all!
You: Some of us have done a decent job making sure our posture is in line, but others not so much. How is it possible you made your body look like the letter C? You're slumped down so far in your chair, it looks like you're waiting on a snake charmer to start playing a flute so you can slither back to the surface.
8. Make Your Bed
Them: What do we do every morning before brushing our teeth? That's right, we make our beds. I don't care if you're just going to mess it up as soon as you get back into it tonight. We pride ourselves in our crisp sheets and numerous decorative pillows.
You: Unless your parents are coming to visit or you have a date you're trying to impress, you do that move where you yank the comforter up over the entire bed while the sheet stays down at the bottom and it's so lumpy it looks like a dozen toddlers completely failing at hide and seek.
9. Watch Something Different
Them: You've watched "Frozen" every day for the last six months so we're not watching it again for at least a week. You need to find something new to enjoy anyway. Plus I keep finding myself humming "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" at work and my co-workers are starting to stare.
You: How many new shows are on your DVR? If you do try something new you usually end up hating it, turning it off, and watching the same rerun of "Futurama" you've seen a dozen times. Don't forget all those mornings you turned on ESPN and let the exact same episode of "SportsCenter" play over and over until 2pm.
10. Wait an Hour After Eating Before You Swim
Them: You can't get in the water, even if you're wearing floaties and a life vest, because you could get a cramp from that turkey sandwich and drown in the public pool before anyone even notices. It happened to my friend's cousin's neighbor when I was little. He was definitely real and definitely died.
You: Not only do you cannonball into the water as soon as you've inhaled as many hot dogs as the grill could hold, you also bought one of those drink holders that float so you can drink beers in the water and if one happens to fall out of your hand, it won't sink. Maybe if you're at the point that you can't grip a beer, it might be time to get out of the lake for a bit and take a nap?
11. Always Tell the Truth
Them: Honesty is always the best policy. If you tell the truth, you'll get in trouble, but nowhere near as much trouble as you will if you tell a lie. Well, unless you broke something really expensive then you're never getting an allowance for the rest of your life.
You: If there's any lesson we should listen to it's this one, but we definitely don't. "That's strange, I guess your email didn't go through." "My phone has been acting up so I guess I never got your text about inviting me to your party that I wanted to attend oh so badly and certainly didn't cringe as soon as I read it." If lies were old people, you'd be Cracker Barrel at 10am on a Tuesday.
12. Getting Upset Over Nothing
Them: Are you really screaming and crying because you dropped a spoon? Let's try not to make a big deal out of everything and flip out over stuff that doesn't matter nor does it affect us in any way.
You: Have you ever argued with someone in the comment section of an Internet article? Ever thrown your hat or yelled at the TV after your favorite team lost a game? Maybe deep down we're all just big poopy pants toddlers that have learned more subtle ways of throwing tantrums when we don't get our way.