The Vajankle
A number of the toys on this list are going to fall into the general category of "things you put your penis into," but in that category is room for a lot of deviancy. Case in point: the Vajankle, which caters to either foot fetishists or serial murderers. At first inspection, it looks like a normal silicone left foot, until you notice that at the ankle joint there's a realistic vagina built in. You can pick your choice of skin color and pedicure to really complete your disturbing fantasy. The creator also sells a right foot that doesn't have a vagina built in, but why would you want that? (Photo courtesy of: Imgur)
Cup Nude
Disguising sex toys as commonplace household objects is a hot trend, but this Japanese invention goes a little too far. The Cup Nude, from the outside, resembles the traditional Nissin Cup O'Noodles Styrofoam container. But inside lurks something a little weirder than a MSG-laden dorm room meal. Peel off the foil top and you'll discover a pink penis receptacle and a packet of gel to squeeze into it. After you've done your dirty business into the cup, remove the receptacle and throw it away. Just don't get it confused with a regular Cup O'Noodles - those dried noodles are sharp. (Photo courtesy of: Imgur)
Death By Orgasm Scorpion Vibrator
Most vibrators are either very utilitarian-looking - take the iconic Hitachi Magic Wand, for example - or sort of cutesy. That's not the case with the utterly macabre Death By Orgasm Scorpion Vibrator. Coming packaged in a metal coffin-shaped carrying case, this jet black vibe is housed inside a scorpion-shaped elastomer sleeve, so you can pretend that you're being brought to orgasm by a predatory arthropod with a venom-tipped tail. Apparently the elastomer sleeve is a little fluid-permeable, so you won't want to share your orgasm scorpion with partners without thoroughly washing it first. (Photo courtesy of: Amazon)
Kochi Anime Sex Doll
Blow-up dolls have been a staple of the pervert's arsenal for decades, but as fetishes get more intense, they need to evolve with the times. Enter the Kochi Anime Sex Doll, the perfect air-filled companion for the lonely weeaboo in your life. This terrifying creature is molded to look like a woman from Japanese animation, but you'll quickly discover that what works in two dimensions gets very disturbing when it's brought into three. Her giant, dead eyes coupled with a gaping mouth and terrifyingly unrealistic genitals are horrifying. (Photo courtesy of: Imgur)
Jackhammer Jesus
Divine Interventions is a company that specializes in one thing: making sex toys inspired by history's most important religious figures. So we're talking Buddha butplugs, silicone Satan schlongs and the like. Probably their most sacrilegious creation is the Jackhammer Jesus, a seven-inch dildo shaped like the Son of God nailed to the cross. The bars of the span are perfect for getting a solid grip as you plunge the Savior into your darkest recesses. This is the kind of thing you should probably talk to a therapist about (Photo courtesy of: Divine Interventions)
Glory Hole To Go
The concept of a glory hole has always seemed pretty sketchy to me - you poke your unit through a hole in a wall and something on the other end does... something to it. That's two too many "somethings" for me to be comfortable with. But if you're craving some glory hole action and don't have a sledgehammer to knock out some drywall, why not invest in a Glory Hole To Go? This portable canvas panel with a waist-high opening can be set up in just a few minutes and it's machine washable in case things get too crazy. (Photo courtesy of: Glory Hole to Go)
Squildo
Fanciful dildo designs are a big market in the 21st century, with rubber peckers designed to look like just about everything that fits inside a vagina. One of the most demented in recent memory is the Squildo, patterned after the aquatic cephalopod that tastes so good breaded and fried. The business end of the Squildo (which was for sale by Etsy user Free Range Silicone for a while) is traditionally penis-shaped, but the other side features a realistic squid head and a set of tentacles. At $138, this is a bit of an investment. (Photo courtesy of: Tumblr)
Fleshlight Freaks
If there's a sex toy success story of the 21st century, it's Fleshlight. With an aggressive marketing campaign, they've made their male masturbation toys the overwhelming market leader. But with success comes experimentation, and the Fleshlight Freaks line shows that even the best can get weird. These penis sleeves take the traditional vagina-tube design and tart it up to evoke fictional creatures like Frankenstein (the opening has fake stitches molded into it), zombies ("rotting flesh") and the blue aliens from "Avatar" (it's blue). Why you would want to pretend you're having sex with any of those things remains a mystery. (Photo courtesy of: Fleshlight)
Electro Sex Gloves
Let's move away from the traditional definition of "sex" to get weird with this product from the Netherlands. The Rimba Electro Sex gloves are designed for those people who need a little something extra to get off - namely, high voltage. Plug the gloves into the power box (sold separately), smear a little conductive gel on your target and then get busy zapping them. Apparently getting electric current put through your body is sexy for some people. The manufacturers recommend that it not be used by individuals wearing a pacemaker for their heart condition. (Photo courtesy of: Church of Invention)
Vergil The Drippy Dragon
Only in a world as bizarre as ours could a company make big bucks selling imitation dragon penises, but that's exactly what Bad Dragon does. Since 2008, they've been creating increasingly bizarre sex toys that come complete with fantastic depictions of what the horny monsters they're "modeled after" do with them. Everything they sell is insane, but I had to single out "Vergil The Drippy Dragon," a lizard wang that you can get in sizes up to ten inches long with a tube in the middle that lets it squirt out lubricant on command. Yikes. (Photo courtesy of: Bad Dragon)
See Also: This Is Why You Don't Let Your Toddler Get Into Your Personal Stuff