If you haven't realized it by now, adult films aren't the most accurate portrayal of real life. In reality, a lot more people wear underwear and aren't fully prepared to have an hour of sex with a random stranger in the back of a costume shop. Let's take a look at some of the most common porn scenarios and how they'd actually play out in real life.
The Pizza Delivery Guy
![porn pizza guy]()
Porn: An unsuspecting pizza guy will walk in on at least one ridiculously hot lady who's dressed like she's going to a VIP club instead of the sweatpants and baggy t-shirt that usually accompany a late night pizza order. She'll pull him in and insist he has unprotected sex with her.
Real Life: Whoever ordered that pizza is going to want to eat it before it gets cold. By the time you finally figure out what toppings you want and wait for delivery, hunger is your top priority. If you did try to sneak in a lengthy love making session, it would be interrupted every 5 minutes with your manager blowing up your phone wondering why a single delivery less than two miles away has taken over an hour.
The Inappropriate Doctor
![free mammogram funny]()
Porn: A doctor starts a routine exam on an attractive patient and then starts exploring areas that definitely didn't need to be treated. Who needs the Hippocratic oath when your patients have bazongos like that?
Real Life: On top of nurses, other doctors, maintenance men, sick people, and the receptionist clearly hearing you getting it on with a patient, he's violating just about every law you can possibly break as a doctor. He might as well give her one of his prescription pads on the way out. Also, let's not forget he completely forgot to treat whatever illness it was that originally brought her in, so now she's going to have to go to a walk-in clinic and pay yet another co-pay. His Yelp reviews are going to be terrible.
The Teacher
![hot teacher]()
Porn: A hot teacher, either male or female, will give a student a bad grade, but inform them that they can get their test scores boosted with a little oral exam, if you know what I mean. The student is happy to oblige and will sometimes invite the other students in detention to join in. Yay teamwork!
Real Life: That teacher would offer a better grade for sex and then would be a trending topic on Facebook by the end of the week for being the creepiest teacher since Jack Black snuck into that 5th grade teacher's job in "School of Rock." Also, it's been well over an hour and the bell hasn't rung yet. I'm starting to doubt this is even a licensed educational facility. By the way, no math teacher looks like Lisa Ann, and even if you happened to hit the jackpot of hot teachers, she's not going to have to blackmail students into sex, especially ones that are of legal age and are still taking introductory high school math classes.
The Stepmom
![milf meme]()
Porn: A guy will be hanging out in his room, usually giving himself a ferocious HJ, when his new stepmom will walk in and catch him in the act. He'll apologize profusely, but she isn't upset. As a matter of fact, she's wanted to get it on with her 28-year-old stepson that still lives at home and has monster truck posters on his wall. At first he's hesitant and will loudly declare, "BUT YOU'RE MY STEPMOM," but eventually he gives in and they spend the next 45 minutes engaged in an act that will result in neither of them ever being able to make eye contact at a family dinner again.
Real Life: The biggest concern of a new stepmom with an adult stepson still living at home would be insisting that he gets a job, rather than getting naked on his waterbed with Transformers sheets. Also there's no way she would have caught him taking care of his own business because no one in the history of boners has ever turned their web browser to private mode without closing the door, locking it, checking the windows, buying a home security system, and attaching an air horn to the door that'll go off if it gets even slightly ajar.
The Landlord
![jane breaking bad jesse]()
Porn: A jobless guy is asleep in the middle of the day when suddenly there's an angry knock at the door. It's his landlord who is, you guessed it, ridiculously attractive and she informs him that he's three months behind on rent. He has an hour to get his stuff out and vacate the apartment. Or, maybe they could work something else out? And by something else, I mean sex. They get it on and his massive debt is forgiven.
Real Life: Most landlords look more like the creature that lived under Fred Savage's bed in "Little Monsters" than they do a porn star, but it wouldn't matter because a written notice would be placed on the door long before it got to this point. If he happened to be gone, he would've returned home to find all of his stuff sitting on the street and his credit would be ruined. What sort of successful business could ever be profitable accepting mouth love in place of overdue rent? Not in this economy, am I right?
The Peeping Tom
![peeping tom back to the future]()
Porn: Some creepy dude will be peering through a girl's window while she's getting dressed or, uh, taking care of her own business. Oh, he also has a camera. The girl will catch him and is only mildly startled for some reason. Then she'll invite him to come in and join, because who doesn't want to express their gratitude to a guy hanging out of a tree with binoculars?
Real Life: No one has ever been flattered because a guy confesses that he's been secretly stalking her for weeks. Not only is she going to throw every object at him that isn't bolted to the ground, he's also going to have to inform all of his neighbors of his former hobby when he moves into a new apartment. The only video he'll be starring in is the clip from the local news explaining why he was arrested.
The Hitchhiker
![hot hitchhiker]()
Porn: A girl needs a ride, so a van full of guys in tank tops and jeans without underwear offer to take her wherever she wants. For some reason she agrees and is soon talked into letting them all have a furious free for all in her bikini area in exchange for the lift. Oh, there's also one guy holding a camera, but he promises it's not running and he's just holding it up to work his triceps.
Real Life: She would call an Uber and the ride would end up costing around $11. The driver would probably offer her a bottle of water and some mints, but if he was the least bit rude she could leave him a bad review and he would lose business. Maybe she'd even get the ride for free if it was her first one and she recommended it to a friend that signed up. Either way, it's a much shorter trip with way less male nudity being dangled in her face.
The Random Guy on the Street
![guy on street picking up girls]()
Porn: A guy wearing either a gold chain or a puka shell necklace is walking down the street with a camera. He approaches an attractive girl and suggests they either go back to his secret hump shack or around the corner of the closest dumpster and get it on. Of course the girl thinks it's a marvelous idea and comes along with very few questions or concerns.
Real Life: If a guy that looks like his DVR is full of "American Ninja Warrior" approached a random woman and suggested she should come back to his studio for some private modeling, the best he could hope for is to just be tased. If you somehow did get her to walk around with you, a $20 offer to pop her top off and let you smell her bare butt would be the end of the conversation and not the beginning of an HD video that caused you to go over on data for the month.
The Busted Cheater
![funny cheating meme]()
Porn: A man or woman in a committed relationship will walk in on their partner bumping and grinding in their bed or on the couch. After clearing their throat or asking what's going on, the two cheaters will sort of stop and act shocked, but with very little explanation or convincing, the one that busted their cheating partner and best friend will decide the best course of action is to join in. It's not like that's going to be awkward 5 seconds after you've all finished.
Real Life: If someone gets caught in the act of cheating, usually the one that walks in on it doesn't need an explanation. Things are pretty clear and the one that got caught had better hope they can grab any valuable or sentimental items on their sprint to the door, because everything left behind is going to look like the west coast halfway through "Independence Day." The only thing they'll all be joining in on is a court date to find out how much alimony that midday crotch rodeo is going to cost.
The Babysitter
![hot babysitter]()
Porn: A babysitter that's dressed to look like a child, but makes sure to verbally state that she's over 18, breaks one of the house rules and is caught by the dad, who's carrying around a camera for some reason. He'll tell her that she can either get it on with him or he'll tell her parents she broke a lamp. This is where she'll reveal that she's had a crush on him all along and the two of them will get naked and loud, yet somehow never wake up the sleeping kid.
Real Life: First of all, that kid definitely would have woken up when his dad and babysitter were both grunting and moaning on the sofa. It never would have even gotten to that point because as soon as the dad informed her that she has to either tell her parents she broke a lamp or touch his old balls, she would have gladly chosen the lamp and paid the $11 or gone to IKEA and personally replaced it. Plus Care.com would have been notified and the only babysitter he would ever be able to get would be from the depths of Craigslist in exchange for a muffler from a '96 Corolla.
Guys With Ponytails
![dicaprio ponytail]()
Porn: They end up getting it on with the hottest women you've ever seen in your life.
Real Life: No man with a ponytail has ever had sex. It's a scientific fact. Sorry ponytail guys, but you brought this on yourself.
The Pizza Delivery Guy
Porn: An unsuspecting pizza guy will walk in on at least one ridiculously hot lady who's dressed like she's going to a VIP club instead of the sweatpants and baggy t-shirt that usually accompany a late night pizza order. She'll pull him in and insist he has unprotected sex with her.
Real Life: Whoever ordered that pizza is going to want to eat it before it gets cold. By the time you finally figure out what toppings you want and wait for delivery, hunger is your top priority. If you did try to sneak in a lengthy love making session, it would be interrupted every 5 minutes with your manager blowing up your phone wondering why a single delivery less than two miles away has taken over an hour.
The Inappropriate Doctor
Porn: A doctor starts a routine exam on an attractive patient and then starts exploring areas that definitely didn't need to be treated. Who needs the Hippocratic oath when your patients have bazongos like that?
Real Life: On top of nurses, other doctors, maintenance men, sick people, and the receptionist clearly hearing you getting it on with a patient, he's violating just about every law you can possibly break as a doctor. He might as well give her one of his prescription pads on the way out. Also, let's not forget he completely forgot to treat whatever illness it was that originally brought her in, so now she's going to have to go to a walk-in clinic and pay yet another co-pay. His Yelp reviews are going to be terrible.
The Teacher
Porn: A hot teacher, either male or female, will give a student a bad grade, but inform them that they can get their test scores boosted with a little oral exam, if you know what I mean. The student is happy to oblige and will sometimes invite the other students in detention to join in. Yay teamwork!
Real Life: That teacher would offer a better grade for sex and then would be a trending topic on Facebook by the end of the week for being the creepiest teacher since Jack Black snuck into that 5th grade teacher's job in "School of Rock." Also, it's been well over an hour and the bell hasn't rung yet. I'm starting to doubt this is even a licensed educational facility. By the way, no math teacher looks like Lisa Ann, and even if you happened to hit the jackpot of hot teachers, she's not going to have to blackmail students into sex, especially ones that are of legal age and are still taking introductory high school math classes.
The Stepmom
Porn: A guy will be hanging out in his room, usually giving himself a ferocious HJ, when his new stepmom will walk in and catch him in the act. He'll apologize profusely, but she isn't upset. As a matter of fact, she's wanted to get it on with her 28-year-old stepson that still lives at home and has monster truck posters on his wall. At first he's hesitant and will loudly declare, "BUT YOU'RE MY STEPMOM," but eventually he gives in and they spend the next 45 minutes engaged in an act that will result in neither of them ever being able to make eye contact at a family dinner again.
Real Life: The biggest concern of a new stepmom with an adult stepson still living at home would be insisting that he gets a job, rather than getting naked on his waterbed with Transformers sheets. Also there's no way she would have caught him taking care of his own business because no one in the history of boners has ever turned their web browser to private mode without closing the door, locking it, checking the windows, buying a home security system, and attaching an air horn to the door that'll go off if it gets even slightly ajar.
The Landlord
Porn: A jobless guy is asleep in the middle of the day when suddenly there's an angry knock at the door. It's his landlord who is, you guessed it, ridiculously attractive and she informs him that he's three months behind on rent. He has an hour to get his stuff out and vacate the apartment. Or, maybe they could work something else out? And by something else, I mean sex. They get it on and his massive debt is forgiven.
Real Life: Most landlords look more like the creature that lived under Fred Savage's bed in "Little Monsters" than they do a porn star, but it wouldn't matter because a written notice would be placed on the door long before it got to this point. If he happened to be gone, he would've returned home to find all of his stuff sitting on the street and his credit would be ruined. What sort of successful business could ever be profitable accepting mouth love in place of overdue rent? Not in this economy, am I right?
The Peeping Tom
Porn: Some creepy dude will be peering through a girl's window while she's getting dressed or, uh, taking care of her own business. Oh, he also has a camera. The girl will catch him and is only mildly startled for some reason. Then she'll invite him to come in and join, because who doesn't want to express their gratitude to a guy hanging out of a tree with binoculars?
Real Life: No one has ever been flattered because a guy confesses that he's been secretly stalking her for weeks. Not only is she going to throw every object at him that isn't bolted to the ground, he's also going to have to inform all of his neighbors of his former hobby when he moves into a new apartment. The only video he'll be starring in is the clip from the local news explaining why he was arrested.
The Hitchhiker
Porn: A girl needs a ride, so a van full of guys in tank tops and jeans without underwear offer to take her wherever she wants. For some reason she agrees and is soon talked into letting them all have a furious free for all in her bikini area in exchange for the lift. Oh, there's also one guy holding a camera, but he promises it's not running and he's just holding it up to work his triceps.
Real Life: She would call an Uber and the ride would end up costing around $11. The driver would probably offer her a bottle of water and some mints, but if he was the least bit rude she could leave him a bad review and he would lose business. Maybe she'd even get the ride for free if it was her first one and she recommended it to a friend that signed up. Either way, it's a much shorter trip with way less male nudity being dangled in her face.
The Random Guy on the Street
Porn: A guy wearing either a gold chain or a puka shell necklace is walking down the street with a camera. He approaches an attractive girl and suggests they either go back to his secret hump shack or around the corner of the closest dumpster and get it on. Of course the girl thinks it's a marvelous idea and comes along with very few questions or concerns.
Real Life: If a guy that looks like his DVR is full of "American Ninja Warrior" approached a random woman and suggested she should come back to his studio for some private modeling, the best he could hope for is to just be tased. If you somehow did get her to walk around with you, a $20 offer to pop her top off and let you smell her bare butt would be the end of the conversation and not the beginning of an HD video that caused you to go over on data for the month.
The Busted Cheater
Porn: A man or woman in a committed relationship will walk in on their partner bumping and grinding in their bed or on the couch. After clearing their throat or asking what's going on, the two cheaters will sort of stop and act shocked, but with very little explanation or convincing, the one that busted their cheating partner and best friend will decide the best course of action is to join in. It's not like that's going to be awkward 5 seconds after you've all finished.
Real Life: If someone gets caught in the act of cheating, usually the one that walks in on it doesn't need an explanation. Things are pretty clear and the one that got caught had better hope they can grab any valuable or sentimental items on their sprint to the door, because everything left behind is going to look like the west coast halfway through "Independence Day." The only thing they'll all be joining in on is a court date to find out how much alimony that midday crotch rodeo is going to cost.
The Babysitter
Porn: A babysitter that's dressed to look like a child, but makes sure to verbally state that she's over 18, breaks one of the house rules and is caught by the dad, who's carrying around a camera for some reason. He'll tell her that she can either get it on with him or he'll tell her parents she broke a lamp. This is where she'll reveal that she's had a crush on him all along and the two of them will get naked and loud, yet somehow never wake up the sleeping kid.
Real Life: First of all, that kid definitely would have woken up when his dad and babysitter were both grunting and moaning on the sofa. It never would have even gotten to that point because as soon as the dad informed her that she has to either tell her parents she broke a lamp or touch his old balls, she would have gladly chosen the lamp and paid the $11 or gone to IKEA and personally replaced it. Plus Care.com would have been notified and the only babysitter he would ever be able to get would be from the depths of Craigslist in exchange for a muffler from a '96 Corolla.
Guys With Ponytails
Porn: They end up getting it on with the hottest women you've ever seen in your life.
Real Life: No man with a ponytail has ever had sex. It's a scientific fact. Sorry ponytail guys, but you brought this on yourself.