Gone are the days of simply having facial hair. Now it has to be a reflection of your zany, wacky personality. If you're one of those guys that can't grow facial hair, consider yourself blessed. You know how annoying it is to have to shave every day in order to not look like you just swam over from Guantanamo Bay? Now obviously to you, your facial hair is the coolest thing ever, but what does your dumb facial hair actually speak to others? Here's a handy guide to help you out.
The Lip Rug
Who Else Has It: Sam Elliott
What It Says About You: If you have this one and you work a job that involves moving large animals from one fenced in area to another, you're cool. Unfortunately, odds are that you run a blog where you critique hammocks and complain about the methods breweries use to harvest their barley. You think about dating, but if you did, who would be around to draw chalk art on the local coffee shop's menu board?
The Patchy Beard
Who Has It: 14-year-old guys desperately trying to grow a beard
What It Says About You: You're willing to commit to things that don't stand a chance of happening. Your beard is a perfect example of that. You don't even care that it looks like a pro wrestler from the '80s shaved his pubes and glued them to your face. It doesn't even bother you that your face looks like one of the mangy dogs in a Sarah McLachlan commercial. You're also very active on forums and have the respect of everyone in your guild.
The Soul Patch
Who Has It: Almost every youth pastor
What It Says About You: You don't really trust banks, but dream catchers are another story. Approximately 30% of your wardrobe is made up of t-shirts you've won from competitive eating contests. You may or may not be wearing a necklace made of assorted shells or animal teeth at this very moment.
The Handlebar/Sideburns Combo
Who Has It: The ghost of Civil War soldiers
What It Says About You: If you're not playing the part of a wounded general in a local Renaissance Fair, odds are you're popping on a sweet pair of Oakleys and educating the local Crotch Rocket enthusiasts on the daily advantages of the steampunk lifestyle. There's also a good chance you've appeared on the local news or an extended cable TV show as a knowledgeable guest on a bizarre topic like, "Blacklight Tattoo Expert" or "Velvet Aficionado."
The Pencil Thin Chin Strap & Goatee Combo
Who Has It: Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg in SNL Digital Shorts
What It Says About You: You've been asked to leave more than one Red Lobster because of behavior deemed "lewd" by more than one assistant manager. You're really great at flirting with girls via text, but it doesn't translate in person because most of your lines are followed by a nudge, a lifted eyebrow, and a visual point to your zipper. You're close with your mom, but mainly to try and hook up with some of her friends. You haven't, but you imply that you did on your Tumblr.
The Artistically Designed Precision Cut
Who Has It: Ludacris, for some reason
What It Says About You: You've run out of storage on your phone from taking too many selfies and debated if it would be better to delete some apps instead of a few of your pics. Someone jokingly tussled your hair in 2007 and you still haven't forgiven him. Actually, you think about it at least once every week. You take karaoke very seriously and if someone doesn't respect the stage, you have no problem staring them down. Unfortunately, you're still wearing your sunglasses so they have no idea you're looking at them, but you know and that's really all that matters.
The Wolverine
Who Has It: Uh, Wolverine
What It Says About You: You don't understand why "The Expendables" gets snubbed by the Oscars every year. If a shirt has sleeves, it's definitely not a shirt of yours. Your DVR is full of shows that use the word "torque" on a regular basis. If you could meet any person from history it would be a tie between the cast of "American Chopper" so you could shake his hand, or the guy from "Deadliest Catch" so you could fight him to settle a bar bet.
The Mustache That Just Don't Stop
Who Has It: Rollie Fingers
What It Says About You: You've had to walk away from an argument about Fleet Foxes because it was getting too heated. Right now there are at least six cans of PBR in your refrigerator, but you're saving them until the next episode of Portlandia comes on. Your idea of business casual is switching shoes from your beige Toms to your black Toms. You've sent back a meal because the waitress was just giving off negative energy.
The Monster Chops
Who Has It: Terry Richardson
What It Says About You: It takes at least 10 minutes for you to explain the meaning behind each of your tattoos. You have a Tinder page with a quote from a Wes Anderson movie in the bio and if a girl doesn't recognize it you already hate her. You've ruined more than one family dinner because you insist on explaining the problematic effects of consumerism every time your aunt mentions she bought dryer sheets from Wal-Mart. Last Thanksgiving you actually made her cry.
The Finger Stache
Who Has It: Every annoying girl on Instagram
What It Says About You: Your Facebook profile picture was, at some point, one of those "Keep Calm and..." custom graphics. You've stood up and clapped at the end of a movie on more than one occasion. If someone points out an obvious flaw you refer to them as a "hater" and quickly let them know that if they can't handle you at your worst then they certainly don't deserve you at your best. You prefer guy friends instead of girl friends because you think they're less drama. It's definitely not because they'll tolerate you longer in hopes of you making out with them. That's not it at all.
The Huge Bushy Beard
Who Has It: Tom Hanks 2/3 of the way through Cast Away
What It Says About You: You've yelled at strangers on the Internet because they didn't like the ending of an episode of "Battlestar Galactica." You've cancelled on anyone that's made plans with you for the last two years, but constantly complain that you're home on another Saturday night. Anyone that you see having fun in a public place is an idiot and you express this disdain by loudly exhaling and going to stand in the corner by yourself where you pretend to text, but you're really just pressing buttons on the calculator app. You also enjoy loudly pointing out inconsistencies in movies that were developed from comics or novels.
The Braided Goatee
Who Has It: Captain Lou Albano
What It Says About You: You're usually in the middle of the party, but it's just because everyone figures you have drugs in your pockets. You usually have drugs in your pockets. You usually suggest that girls should kiss at parties even if they're just walking around with each other. Most of your shirts have buttons, but they're not dress shirts because it's covered in either a floral print, a dog wearing sunglasses while flexing his muscles, or cartoon women in thongs playing beach volleyball. You're definitely wearing flip flops right now.