Condometric
It's not the meat, it's the motion, they say, but let's be real: it's at least partially the meat. If you want to use the scientific method to determine exactly how much you're packing, pick up a Condometric. These transparent latex condoms have a ruler printed on the side, so when you slip it on and get fully erect you can have a centimeter-precise measurement of how long your dinger is. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a chart for conversion to inches, but I'm sure you can Google that. (Photo courtesy of: Condometric)
Eros Protector
Birth control is, obviously, a big issue in extremely-populated China. It's not surprising that they're working on ways to improve the standard condom. However, the "Eros Protector," created by college student Kong Yongxiang, takes things to a whole new level. It's basically a thong with a special pouch for your balls and a hole in the front that specially-designed condoms screw into. Said condoms are doused in a Chinese herbal lubricant to keep your partner's pH balance stable. It sounds absurd to us, but the Eros Protector received a start-up investment of over $300,000. (Photo courtesy of: Rocket News)
Whisky Condoms
The phrase "whiskey dick" is synonymous for not being able to get it up after a night of drinking too much, but the creators of McCondoms want to reclaim it for something a little different. These rubbers, available in Scotland and Ireland, are flavored with the deep, peaty notes of authentic Scotch whisky. They don't contain actual alcohol, though, so you won't have anyone to blame but yourself if you can't perform after you slip one on. Not that you would ever do such a thing, right? (Photo courtesy of: College Times)
Pizza Condoms
Sadly, no, these rubbers don't taste like pizza. But they're the next best thing. Created by a Moscow-based industrial designer, each one of these condoms looks like a miniature pepperoni pizza until you roll it out over your unit, at which point it resembles some kind of messed-up inverted calzone. To add to the quirky factor, they're packaged in a little miniature cardboard pizza box. Now if they could only get a midget to deliver them in 30 minutes or less. (Photo courtesy of: Daily Edge)
Royal Wedding Condoms
People will try to cash in on just about everything, and the 2011 Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton was no exception. Street hawkers sold T-shirts, snowglobes, and lots of other crap. But probably the most absurd tie-in was the production of deluxe boxes of Royal Wedding condoms. Crown Jewels, who describe themselves as the "world's leading supplier of heritage prophylactics," put these lubricated, ribbed puppies on sale for $8. A disclaimer on the box says they're not guaranteed to actually work as birth control, though. (Photo courtesy of: Blogspot)
Bacon Condoms
J&D's is a company that has found a particularly successful niche for themselves: bacon everything. They make bacon salt, bacon mayonnaise, bacon deodorant, bacon-scented pillowcases - you get the idea. So it was only a matter of time before they branched out into erotic goods. In 2013, they debuted Bacon Condoms, rubbers printed to look like strips of fried, greasy pig and coated with water-based lubricant that smells like bacon. (Photo courtesy of: J&D's)
Origami Condoms
The basic structure of the condom hasn't changed much in a century - it's a bag for your dingus. But that doesn't mean that we can't make progress, as the creators of Origami Condoms show. Instead of unrolling from a flat package like traditional rubbers, this one is accordion-shaped and folds outwards. Why this is better, it's hard to say. Partially funded by your tax dollars, Origami Condoms are set to hit the market in 2015 after they pass evaluation by the National Institute of Health. (Photo courtesy of: Origami Condoms)
Nicotine Condoms
Trying to quit smoking? Many experts advise you to find a hobby to fill the time and distract you from the nic fits. If you're lucky enough to consider sex a hobby, now there's a way to kill two birds with one stone. In 2010, Swedish company Pharmacia Latex Aktiebolaget announced that they'd created a condom infused with nicotine, using the same methodology used to create nicotine patches. Both partners experience the effects of the chemical after intercourse, meaning you don't have to light up in your post-coital refractory period. (Photo courtesy of: EhealthZine)
Black Japanese Condoms
The Japanese attitude towards race relations is awful and well-documented, but this brand of condoms goes over the edge. The actual rubbers themselves aren't anything special - they're just jet black latex sheaths - but the packaging is some next level weirdness. When your box advertises the fact that "WE are all brack people" and has artwork that looks like a bodega incense package, you know you're in for something truly special. But hey - "Piece! So cool. Respect!" Words we should all live by. (Photo courtesy of: Weird Asian News)
MyFace Condoms
Having something printed on a condom doesn't make a lot of sense - girls don't have eyes down there, obviously. But the sheer goofiness of MyFace condoms is pretty amazing. The RipNRoll company debuted MyFace in 2008. How it works is simple: you send them a square image that will look good pecker-sized, and then they convert it to black & white and stamp it on the jimmy cap. The idea of throwing out a rubber filled with man gravy that has your own face on it is pretty disturbing. (Photo courtesy of: Nerd Approved)