It has become more and more apparent to me that a lot of people out there have horrible taste in movies. There have been way too many times when I was excited to see a movie that everyone was raving about, only to be completely let down. And I mean completely, as in my mind is blown by just how bad it actually is.
A few things to keep in mind when you're reading this:
A few things to keep in mind when you're reading this:
- My opinion is the only one that matters and yours are all irrelevant.
- All of the people involved in the making of these films should take this to heart because I am living the dream as an editor for a men's humor site, while they have to spend their miserable lives being famous and making movies for millions of dollars.
- I kept obviously horrible movies off this list (sorry, angry "Grown Ups" fans), sequels included. These are all just movies that I've heard too many people rave about and that needed to be brought down a notch, thus making me feel better about myself.
So here I am. To save you all from yourselves and let you know that you are all a bunch of assholes for liking the following films.
Boyhood
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Why it sucks: I have to start with this one because you people won't shut up about it and it's pretty much why I decided this list needed to be made. Look, I can appreciate the time, and creativity, and effort it took to make this film. But once you take out the gimmick of watching these actors age over time, there's really not much else going on. (Also, if you want to show actors who age over time, don't cast Ethan Hawke. He looks exactly the same as he did in 1994. The guy is immortal.)
Anyway, if I had any interest in watching an uninteresting child grow up over an extended period time where nothing exciting or eventful happens in his life, I'd go find my old family tapes and binge watch them. In fact, I think I'll go digging through my parent's garage this weekend to find them and submit them for a Best Picture nomination before it's too late.
Avatar
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Why it sucks: You know, I too was enamored by how visually breathtaking this movie was in theaters. But for those of you who still enjoy it without the IMAX screen and 3-D, please explain to me why. The plot is unoriginal (which James Cameron himself has pretty much admitted, while filling his swimming pool with $100 bills, probably) and the characters are two-dimensional even if you've got your 3-D glasses on. Also, you realize you're rooting against humans, right? Did you root for the T-Rex in "Jurassic Park?" Or the devil in "The Exorcist?" Come on, what the hell is wrong with you?
Spring Breakers
![Spring Breakers]()
Why it sucks: You can't just lump a bunch of images of some hot girls in bikinis with a gangster James Franco voice-over repeating "Spring Breeeeeak" over them for 94 minutes and call it a movie. I don't care how attractive Selena Gomez is, no one should ever have to sit through someone else's phone call to their grandma. This glorified music video made over 30 million dollars. If you contributed even a single dollar towards that, then yes, you are in fact an asshole.
American Hustle
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Why it sucks: If you asked me to do my best impression of Jennifer Lawrence overacting in this movie, I would still be underacting by a long shot compared to Jennifer Lawrence's overacting in this movie. If people weren't raving about her performance so much before I finally saw it, it probably wouldn't have bothered me so much and this movie would never have made this list.
A Christmas Story
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Why it sucks: Mainly because TBS crams it down our throats on Christmas Day simply because it has "Christmas" in the title. We've all been brainwashed over the years to associate our love of the holiday season with this not-that-good movie. There are a number of Christmas movies that are more worthy of a 24 hour marathon. "A Christmas Story" is dull and not as funny as you've been fooled into thinking it is. I'll take 24 hours of Clark Griswold's Aunt Bethany and her nonsensical questions over this idiot kid shooting his eye out any day.
The Interview
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Why it sucks: As someone who usually enjoys Seth Rogen movies, I was deeply disappointed when I saw the first trailer for "The Interview." There was no way I was going to pay to see it after that, but we all know what happened next. My interest was aroused and the curiosity got the best of me. I paid to see it and for that, I myself am an asshole. It just wasn't a funny concept to begin with. Not to mention how annoying it was to have to listen to James Franco say "Hate us 'cause they ain't us" a number of times over the course of the movie. Hang on a second, I see a trend here. Maybe I just don't like movies where James Franco repeats things.
Garden State
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Why it sucks: Zach Braff. Oh, and the soundtrack was not that good.
Training Day
![training day denzel]()
Why it sucks: Let me start off by saying that, like all of you, I very much enjoyed this movie when it first came out. I've probably seen it 247 times on TV since. And that may be the very reason why I've learned, over time, that it just isn't that great of a movie.
Please go back and watch that movie again and tell me Denzel really deserved an Oscar for that over-the-top performance. There are so many Oscar-worthy Denzel performances, but this isn't one of them. Maybe it was the supporting cast of rappers and their horrible attempts at dramatic acting that made us all think he was really amazing in it. On the other hand, I guess anyone who can take himself seriously while yelling "King Kong ain't got shit on me!" and not crack a smile deserves some kind of award.
Oz the Great and Powerful
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Why it sucks: We have all seen "The Wizard of Oz." It's a timeless classic that reminds us of our childhood. Disney used that nostalgia against us and gave us this garbage with James Franco phoning it in in the lead role. Over the course of the movie, it feels like he's reading his already-ridiculous lines off a teleprompter. For the sequel, I'm pretty sure Disney could replace James Franco with a broom and it would have more personality.
When I set out to make this list, I really didn't intend to have multiple movies starring James Franco on it. Now that I think of it, maybe you all aren't the assholes. Maybe James Franco is since he keeps making these shitty films.
Boyhood
Why it sucks: I have to start with this one because you people won't shut up about it and it's pretty much why I decided this list needed to be made. Look, I can appreciate the time, and creativity, and effort it took to make this film. But once you take out the gimmick of watching these actors age over time, there's really not much else going on. (Also, if you want to show actors who age over time, don't cast Ethan Hawke. He looks exactly the same as he did in 1994. The guy is immortal.)
Anyway, if I had any interest in watching an uninteresting child grow up over an extended period time where nothing exciting or eventful happens in his life, I'd go find my old family tapes and binge watch them. In fact, I think I'll go digging through my parent's garage this weekend to find them and submit them for a Best Picture nomination before it's too late.
Avatar
Why it sucks: You know, I too was enamored by how visually breathtaking this movie was in theaters. But for those of you who still enjoy it without the IMAX screen and 3-D, please explain to me why. The plot is unoriginal (which James Cameron himself has pretty much admitted, while filling his swimming pool with $100 bills, probably) and the characters are two-dimensional even if you've got your 3-D glasses on. Also, you realize you're rooting against humans, right? Did you root for the T-Rex in "Jurassic Park?" Or the devil in "The Exorcist?" Come on, what the hell is wrong with you?
Spring Breakers
Why it sucks: You can't just lump a bunch of images of some hot girls in bikinis with a gangster James Franco voice-over repeating "Spring Breeeeeak" over them for 94 minutes and call it a movie. I don't care how attractive Selena Gomez is, no one should ever have to sit through someone else's phone call to their grandma. This glorified music video made over 30 million dollars. If you contributed even a single dollar towards that, then yes, you are in fact an asshole.
American Hustle
Why it sucks: If you asked me to do my best impression of Jennifer Lawrence overacting in this movie, I would still be underacting by a long shot compared to Jennifer Lawrence's overacting in this movie. If people weren't raving about her performance so much before I finally saw it, it probably wouldn't have bothered me so much and this movie would never have made this list.
A Christmas Story
Why it sucks: Mainly because TBS crams it down our throats on Christmas Day simply because it has "Christmas" in the title. We've all been brainwashed over the years to associate our love of the holiday season with this not-that-good movie. There are a number of Christmas movies that are more worthy of a 24 hour marathon. "A Christmas Story" is dull and not as funny as you've been fooled into thinking it is. I'll take 24 hours of Clark Griswold's Aunt Bethany and her nonsensical questions over this idiot kid shooting his eye out any day.
The Interview
Why it sucks: As someone who usually enjoys Seth Rogen movies, I was deeply disappointed when I saw the first trailer for "The Interview." There was no way I was going to pay to see it after that, but we all know what happened next. My interest was aroused and the curiosity got the best of me. I paid to see it and for that, I myself am an asshole. It just wasn't a funny concept to begin with. Not to mention how annoying it was to have to listen to James Franco say "Hate us 'cause they ain't us" a number of times over the course of the movie. Hang on a second, I see a trend here. Maybe I just don't like movies where James Franco repeats things.
Garden State
Why it sucks: Zach Braff. Oh, and the soundtrack was not that good.
Training Day
Why it sucks: Let me start off by saying that, like all of you, I very much enjoyed this movie when it first came out. I've probably seen it 247 times on TV since. And that may be the very reason why I've learned, over time, that it just isn't that great of a movie.
Please go back and watch that movie again and tell me Denzel really deserved an Oscar for that over-the-top performance. There are so many Oscar-worthy Denzel performances, but this isn't one of them. Maybe it was the supporting cast of rappers and their horrible attempts at dramatic acting that made us all think he was really amazing in it. On the other hand, I guess anyone who can take himself seriously while yelling "King Kong ain't got shit on me!" and not crack a smile deserves some kind of award.
Oz the Great and Powerful
Why it sucks: We have all seen "The Wizard of Oz." It's a timeless classic that reminds us of our childhood. Disney used that nostalgia against us and gave us this garbage with James Franco phoning it in in the lead role. Over the course of the movie, it feels like he's reading his already-ridiculous lines off a teleprompter. For the sequel, I'm pretty sure Disney could replace James Franco with a broom and it would have more personality.
When I set out to make this list, I really didn't intend to have multiple movies starring James Franco on it. Now that I think of it, maybe you all aren't the assholes. Maybe James Franco is since he keeps making these shitty films.