Follow @robfee on Twitter.
We didn't have Legos when I was a kid. We had Lincoln Logs & we could build anything with them: big cabin, small cabin, you name the cabin.
- Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 27, 2015
-Mom how'd you meet Dad? -Well I was rage-dancing to dubstep, he liked what he saw and pointed to his genitals as if to say 'get up on this'
- Sandy (@onedumbshark) April 26, 2015
[starbucks] barista: name? guy: [is a secret agent & can't reveal real name so he looks around for ideas] my name is pic.twitter.com/AxLWWzngjq
- Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) May 15, 2015
COP:Do u know how fast u were going ME: The posted speed limit, 495 COP: Sir that's the route number, i don't even know how I caught up to u
- pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 23, 2015
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups? *Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* "yes"
- Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) May 31, 2015
My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger
- Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 27, 2015
No, facebook. I do not have 5 events coming up today. I have 0. I have 0 events coming up today.
- Ari Scott (@ariscott) May 29, 2015
Hey now You're a mall cop Tell the bad kids Don't skaaate Hey now Ride a golf cart Get your stun gun Go taaaze and most nights i sleep alone
- Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 29, 2015
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I'm gonna hang up ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
- Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 9, 2015
Whenever someone says they have "a thing" for me, I secretly hope it's a pony.
- Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) May 27, 2015
Women with radioactive babies? pic.twitter.com/5OC8f3Imwb
- Augusten Burroughs (@augusten) May 24, 2015
The year is 2040. A child is singing the emoji alphabet song. It is 13 minutes long.
- Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) May 28, 2015
LITTLE KNOWN FACT Mickey Rourke ate a dinosaur in the late 90s, and it has been slowly emerging to gradually take full control of his body.
- batkaren (@batkaren) May 24, 2015
I'm not Madagascar, I'm just disappointedgascar
- Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) July 18, 2014
We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons
- Shawn (@CakeThrottle) May 16, 2015
No matter where you take a vacation photo, a middle-aged man in cargo shorts WILL sneak into the background.
- Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 12, 2015
can't wait til the future when humans can fly and we can finally complain about bird traffic
- tara shoe (@tarashoe) May 18, 2015
[Calls an ex] Ex: Hello Me: Remember how you lied about everything Ex: Why are you doing this Me: It's Throwback Thursday
- AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) May 28, 2015
1850 love letter: my darling, what it has been to live all this time in your heart no phrase can convey 2015 love letter: im drunk talk 2 me
- claudia martin (@cloudypianos) May 10, 2015
A depressed, one-eyed horse, trotting thru the streets. Some call him Sighclops. Others don't find this amusing.
- Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) May 27, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
