For some reason, most people are rarely transparent on a first date. Oh wait, I know why-it's because even the craziest person knows better than to show how insane they are during their initial meeting. You have to let that stuff slowly seep out over time, then let the other person realized they've been duped into loving an insane person. But what if we were completely honest on a first date? Here are the questions you'd probably be asking more than any other.
1. How much am I going to hear about your stupid ex?
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Everyone has a story from time to time that casually includes a mention of your ex, but if every sentence out of your mouth starts out with a mention of your former lover, followed by a long gaze out the window where you reminisce on what might have been, just give me the heads up so I can run away as fast as possible. I once went out with a girl who started crying out of nowhere and when I asked what was wrong, she said she felt bad about breaking up with her ex and wondered if he was doing OK. How exactly do you comfort someone in that moment?
2. Are you close to your parents as in "we talk a few times every week" or "I'm almost 30 and we still share a bed when I visit"?
If you have a great family, it makes a relationship so much better because now it's like you have bonus parents. Even parents that aren't the best can be handled in small doses. However, if all of our plans revolve around phone calls from your mom, it may be time to cut the cord a little. If you kiss your parents on the mouth you should legally have to tell the person you're dating as well as any of your neighbors and kids that may come trick or treating at your home.
3. Can you go through my Facebook friends and let me know which of them you've dated or hooked up with so we can get those future nightmare reveals all over at once?
If we just roll all of this into one conversation from hell, at least we can each process it and move on. The worst is when you run into someone you know and, after a lengthy conversation, the person walks away and you find out they used to plow your fiancée on the regular. There's probably nothing better than walking down the aisle at your wedding getting winks from all the people in the crowd that have banged your soulmate. Again, this is assuming your relationship is going a long way, but wouldn't it be nice to get all of that out of the way from the beginning?
4. How much money do you make/how much do you think I need to be making?
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Look, I'm perfectly fine with paying for this meal, but just let me know if I'm going to be paying for everything you do for the duration of our relationship. If you're a little tight right now because you're pursuing your dream job, that's not only excusable, it's admirable. However, if your dream job is professionally waking up at noon and watching everything on the DVR before your pre-afternoon nap followed by an afternoon nap, let's just end this thing before it gets started.
5. What's your average text response time?
If one of us is operating at a nearly immediate text response rate and the other is a "oh I completely forgot I had a cell phone" rate, one is going to get super annoyed because their phone is blowing up like the last 20 minutes of a Michael Bay movie and the other is going to have an aneurism because they think you're either dead or hate them.
6. Do you have a Yelp-like review for your sexual abilities?
You know those Yelp checklists where they let you know what kind of attire to expect, the ambiance, the wait time, and what they have to offer from former customers? That, except for past sexual encounters so you can figure out if their personality is enough to make up for what's about to be the sexual equivalent of a room temperature cup of coffee.
7. Can we both just admit that we poop and not try to hide it for the first 6 months?
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We all know what you're doing in the bathroom for ten minutes, so let's just stop doing that "I've never pooped" move where you go in there and try to cough loudly over your farts or adjust your sitting position so it doesn't make a loud splash when it hits the water. Yes, this is disgusting, but we all do it so why don't we just drop the stealthy charades?
8. Are you going to put all of this on Facebook?
If you both want your entire relationship documented and tracked online, that's wonderful for everyone except your Facebook friends. However, if one of your is private and the other wants to leak screenshots of a secret sex tape they recorded, that might be a bit of a problem.
9. Do you actually like sports or are you pretending to like them because I said I did?
This can go for the guy or the girl, but if you're just pretending to like something because the other person is interested, you're going to be absolutely miserable trying to act like you enjoy it every week, and they're going to hate life because you'll be miserable and want to leave as soon as you get there. The only solution is to be truthful or to be willing to drink enough each week where you don't mind it anymore. Go with the one that won't destroy your liver, OK?
10. If we say we're meeting at 8 p.m., what time do you think that means you should show up?
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If one of you hears "let's meet at 8" and takes that as they should be there by 7:55 and the other person takes it as "I'll be watching TV, realize it's 7:59, then frantically jump in the shower" it's going to cause quite a bit of frustration. Let's just get it out of the way so I know to tell you a movie starts at 7:15 on Friday so you'll be ready when I come by to pick you up at 7:50 on Saturday.
11. Can I see a video of you when you're drunk so I know if you turn into a nightmare?
Speaking of destroying your liver, you know you're going to be drunk around this person at some point so you might as well discuss your drunken habits upfront. If you're one of those drunks that start yelling at everyone, then crying because you yelled, followed by a brief vomiting bout, and a call to your ex to come fight you in a Wendy's parking lot that's a big red flag that should be dealt with immediately. And by dealt with I mean you should never drink again for the rest of your life.
12. How many YouTube videos have you commented on in the last month?
There are bad people, terrible people, evil people, then there's YouTube commenters. The scariest part is they could be sitting next to you at any moment and you'd have no idea. These monsters are just walking around amongst us and while they may look ordinary, something sinister lingers deep inside. Don't get tricked into loving one of these monsters. You deserve better. The world deserves better. <3
13. Have you ever laughed out loud at a Madea movie?
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Maybe one of you likes reading books and the other one is emotionally invested in episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County." It's good to get these things out of the way from the beginning so you know if your jokes are going to be appreciated or if you should just shake your keys in front of their face and watch them laugh and applaud with joy.
14. Are you an idiot?
If this conversation could take place in an honest and open way from the start of a relationship, then idiots could pair up with each other and run into the woods together while the rest of us hung out in functioning relationships that didn't feel like running headfirst into a brick wall while Avril Lavigne's greatest hits played in the background every day of your life. If your significant other loves Avril Lavigne, we both already know this isn't going to end well.
1. How much am I going to hear about your stupid ex?
Everyone has a story from time to time that casually includes a mention of your ex, but if every sentence out of your mouth starts out with a mention of your former lover, followed by a long gaze out the window where you reminisce on what might have been, just give me the heads up so I can run away as fast as possible. I once went out with a girl who started crying out of nowhere and when I asked what was wrong, she said she felt bad about breaking up with her ex and wondered if he was doing OK. How exactly do you comfort someone in that moment?
2. Are you close to your parents as in "we talk a few times every week" or "I'm almost 30 and we still share a bed when I visit"?
If you have a great family, it makes a relationship so much better because now it's like you have bonus parents. Even parents that aren't the best can be handled in small doses. However, if all of our plans revolve around phone calls from your mom, it may be time to cut the cord a little. If you kiss your parents on the mouth you should legally have to tell the person you're dating as well as any of your neighbors and kids that may come trick or treating at your home.
3. Can you go through my Facebook friends and let me know which of them you've dated or hooked up with so we can get those future nightmare reveals all over at once?
If we just roll all of this into one conversation from hell, at least we can each process it and move on. The worst is when you run into someone you know and, after a lengthy conversation, the person walks away and you find out they used to plow your fiancée on the regular. There's probably nothing better than walking down the aisle at your wedding getting winks from all the people in the crowd that have banged your soulmate. Again, this is assuming your relationship is going a long way, but wouldn't it be nice to get all of that out of the way from the beginning?
4. How much money do you make/how much do you think I need to be making?
Look, I'm perfectly fine with paying for this meal, but just let me know if I'm going to be paying for everything you do for the duration of our relationship. If you're a little tight right now because you're pursuing your dream job, that's not only excusable, it's admirable. However, if your dream job is professionally waking up at noon and watching everything on the DVR before your pre-afternoon nap followed by an afternoon nap, let's just end this thing before it gets started.
5. What's your average text response time?
If one of us is operating at a nearly immediate text response rate and the other is a "oh I completely forgot I had a cell phone" rate, one is going to get super annoyed because their phone is blowing up like the last 20 minutes of a Michael Bay movie and the other is going to have an aneurism because they think you're either dead or hate them.
6. Do you have a Yelp-like review for your sexual abilities?
You know those Yelp checklists where they let you know what kind of attire to expect, the ambiance, the wait time, and what they have to offer from former customers? That, except for past sexual encounters so you can figure out if their personality is enough to make up for what's about to be the sexual equivalent of a room temperature cup of coffee.
7. Can we both just admit that we poop and not try to hide it for the first 6 months?
We all know what you're doing in the bathroom for ten minutes, so let's just stop doing that "I've never pooped" move where you go in there and try to cough loudly over your farts or adjust your sitting position so it doesn't make a loud splash when it hits the water. Yes, this is disgusting, but we all do it so why don't we just drop the stealthy charades?
8. Are you going to put all of this on Facebook?
If you both want your entire relationship documented and tracked online, that's wonderful for everyone except your Facebook friends. However, if one of your is private and the other wants to leak screenshots of a secret sex tape they recorded, that might be a bit of a problem.
9. Do you actually like sports or are you pretending to like them because I said I did?
This can go for the guy or the girl, but if you're just pretending to like something because the other person is interested, you're going to be absolutely miserable trying to act like you enjoy it every week, and they're going to hate life because you'll be miserable and want to leave as soon as you get there. The only solution is to be truthful or to be willing to drink enough each week where you don't mind it anymore. Go with the one that won't destroy your liver, OK?
10. If we say we're meeting at 8 p.m., what time do you think that means you should show up?
If one of you hears "let's meet at 8" and takes that as they should be there by 7:55 and the other person takes it as "I'll be watching TV, realize it's 7:59, then frantically jump in the shower" it's going to cause quite a bit of frustration. Let's just get it out of the way so I know to tell you a movie starts at 7:15 on Friday so you'll be ready when I come by to pick you up at 7:50 on Saturday.
11. Can I see a video of you when you're drunk so I know if you turn into a nightmare?
Speaking of destroying your liver, you know you're going to be drunk around this person at some point so you might as well discuss your drunken habits upfront. If you're one of those drunks that start yelling at everyone, then crying because you yelled, followed by a brief vomiting bout, and a call to your ex to come fight you in a Wendy's parking lot that's a big red flag that should be dealt with immediately. And by dealt with I mean you should never drink again for the rest of your life.
12. How many YouTube videos have you commented on in the last month?
There are bad people, terrible people, evil people, then there's YouTube commenters. The scariest part is they could be sitting next to you at any moment and you'd have no idea. These monsters are just walking around amongst us and while they may look ordinary, something sinister lingers deep inside. Don't get tricked into loving one of these monsters. You deserve better. The world deserves better. <3
13. Have you ever laughed out loud at a Madea movie?
Maybe one of you likes reading books and the other one is emotionally invested in episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County." It's good to get these things out of the way from the beginning so you know if your jokes are going to be appreciated or if you should just shake your keys in front of their face and watch them laugh and applaud with joy.
14. Are you an idiot?
If this conversation could take place in an honest and open way from the start of a relationship, then idiots could pair up with each other and run into the woods together while the rest of us hung out in functioning relationships that didn't feel like running headfirst into a brick wall while Avril Lavigne's greatest hits played in the background every day of your life. If your significant other loves Avril Lavigne, we both already know this isn't going to end well.
