Follow @robfee on Twitter.
*strums guitar* and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat, Sharon
- Pants (@onedumbshark) April 25, 2015
*computer unfreezes* Oh you're done now? You've finished with your little hissyfit? You're ready to behave like a reasonable machine now?
- Racing Camel (@camel_racer) July 2, 2015
"someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
- claudia martin (@cloudypianos) April 27, 2015
Please stop calling it "Guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year.
- Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) May 5, 2015
call me old fashioned but I just drowned a woman for having the devil inside of her
- Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) July 1, 2015
I'm not good at dirty talk, one time I shouted out robocop
- Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) July 1, 2015
[Me auditioning for a Viagra ad] Damn tinkering on this classic car makes me wanna shove my soft dick into something
- Musky Lozenge[TM] (@LostCatDog) April 25, 2015
frustrating. all my sarcastic "wow, this is great. nice. love this" comments have caused my enemies to follow their dreams to great success
- dante (online) (@respected_loner) July 3, 2015
My dog drank some coconut water so now I have to drive her to pilates.
- Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 28, 2015
"This isn't helpful at all" - Alien watching To Catch a Predator
- batkaren (@batkaren) May 26, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
- Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
- braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) June 29, 2015
How am i supposed to explain to my kids how minions have sex
- ev rat (@rad_milk) July 3, 2015
*shopping at Payless* "That'll be $25.96" Ok, here is $17.53
- Prof Hinkley (@Prof_Hinkley) February 16, 2015
Am I pretty good at fishing for compliments?
- Pete Mandik (@petemandik) February 28, 2015
I'm not on Tinder. If you want to see my 5 favorite photos of myself, you'll have to come to my funeral.
- LISA CURRY (@lisa_curry) July 2, 2015
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
- Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) January 10, 2015
Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats
- Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 23, 2015
Olives are great if you love the taste of almost drowning in the ocean.
- Jessie (@NicCageMatch) July 10, 2015
Whenever the WiFi in your house stops working for no reason, what's happening is that a ghost is humping the router
- Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) June 25, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.