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Twitter1 of 20
It's the weekend before Christmas, so we've gathered the most hilarious and inappropriate tweets making the rounds about the holiday. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll feel cold and dead ... like Santa on the 26th.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
If I don't go home for Christmas, who will "fix" my mom's internet by unplugging and plugging back in the router?
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Twitter2 of 20
On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "I think I might be a hoarder."
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Twitter3 of 20
These Christmas carolers are only singing The Whisper Song and robbing my garage. WTF?
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Twitter4 of 20
For someone that has a Christmas special, Charlie Brown has a pretty Jewish disposition.
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Twitter5 of 20
On the 9th day of Christmas she photoshopped a boyfriend for her Christmas card.
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Twitter6 of 20
Ke$ha's Christmas tree is just a dead houseplant tipped over in a pizza box.
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Twitter7 of 20
If you put Muscle Milk in a Christmas tree stand, the branches can support whole hams and this is one of the many reasons I'm on the no-fly list.
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Twitter8 of 20
I'm a little embarrassed to tell you what I got my wife for Christmas, but it rhymes with "tig flack pildo".
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Twitter9 of 20
"Oh, God, sorry, I'd love to talk and catch up, but ah, man, I'm just...I'm petting this dog right now, so..." -me at a Christmas party
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Twitter10 of 20
My wife hates when I give her a Christmas/birthday combo gift but that's what she gets for being born in May.
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Twitter11 of 20
The saddest thing about Christmas is all the gingerbread houses in foreclosure.
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Twitter12 of 20
My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since '88.
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Twitter13 of 20
Our photo Christmas cards finally arrived and the kids are upset that they didn't make the cut.
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Twitter14 of 20
"You will be visited by ghosts." "They'll teach me the true meaning of Christmas?" "No, they'll try to eat you." - A Pac-Man Christmas Carol
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Twitter15 of 20
This TV remote at the La Quinta is bolted shut so I guess my nephew won't have batteries for his new fire truck on Christmas morning.
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Twitter16 of 20
For some reason there are ants all over my Christmas tree, from the presents at the bottom all the way up to the McRib tree topper.
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Twitter17 of 20
@quintywinties
But how will I know when to STOP rocking around the Christmas tree?
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Twitter18 of 20
I don't have kids. But if I did and they got me a tie for Christmas, they wouldn't get any hugs or food from me for about 4 months straight.
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Twitter19 of 20
Instagram just kicked down her door and ate all my Nana's fresh baked Christmas cookies in front of her WHILE INSTAGRAMMING THE WHOLE THING!
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's 20 Most Hilarious Tweets
The Kardashian Christmas portrait is the herpes of photography.
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