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Twitter1 of 20
Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
On dates I like to "accidentally" spill a briefcase filled with 25 of the rarest Beanie Babies you can possibly imagine.
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Twitter2 of 20
Was lacking some confidence. Then I fired up my computer and found out hot singles in my area wanna chat with me right now!
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Twitter3 of 20
Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.
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Twitter4 of 20
Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.
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Twitter5 of 20
Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank you can only do once per job.
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Job hunting is a lot like dating, you keep putting yourself out there and keep getting rejected until one lucky day you finally just die.
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Twitter7 of 20
IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I
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Twitter8 of 20
Facebook should be called Pregslist.
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Twitter9 of 20
A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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Raw oysters are not aphrodisiacs, but eating them signals potential partners that you'll put just about anything in your mouth.
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Russia will mail you a person, they don't give a fuck.
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Twitter12 of 20
When my dog's licking my ear, I like to close my eyes and fantasize that it's a girl dog.
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Twitter13 of 20
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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Twitter14 of 20
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
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The symbol for Ghostbusters 2 is the ghost doing the "2" sign. But it's on their car and equipment. Why do they know they're in a sequel?
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Twitter16 of 20
"I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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Licking your lips is the sexiest way to get them to know how chapped they are.
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Twitter18 of 20
Pets are just napkins that can poop and run away.
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Twitter19 of 20
What else could the subtext of "Straight A Student Tragically Killed" be except "Students With Bs and Cs Killed But Probably Deserved It"
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Twitter20 of 20Next: Even More Hilarious Tweets
Water sat at home while Earth, Wind & Fire achieved commercial success. It was then that he decided to bottle himself for profit.