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Me: My cat is vibrating and making a buzzing noise. Is she full of bees? Vet: ...shes purring? Me: Oh ...you still wanna check for bees or..
- penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) July 15, 2015
Assert dominance over local dads by raking their leaves.
- Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 30, 2015
"They've done it! I can't tell which is the android and which is real!" Sir they're both fake pirates. Please get back inside the ride.
- Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) October 24, 2015
sounds like a seal wrote this headline pic.twitter.com/MVg88mTV7e
- Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 27, 2015
People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks
- Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 26, 2015
Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.
- Very Scary Reindeer (@KalvinMacleod) September 11, 2015
[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna] "This isn't the bathroom is it"
- jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 27, 2015
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
- hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death- [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
- Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
My son asked me what it's like to be a dad, so I carelessly broke my phone screen and made him pay for a new one.
- Inappropumpkin Charm (@LackOfShame) October 21, 2015
This Twitter "conversation" from last night does not cease to amuse me. pic.twitter.com/RpZpCdddFl
- Joon Lee (@iamjoonlee) October 30, 2015
Tonight I'm celebrating my anniversary of not drunk texting my ex for three weeks by texting him a paragraph about how well I'm doing
- Ashley Skidmore (@Shhhhhhley) October 23, 2015
Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list
- Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 26, 2015
liiiiiiiiike pic.twitter.com/UxgpW1WXcM
- allie nicole smith (@alliewach) October 24, 2015
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
- non human paul (@Death_Buddy) December 24, 2014
picture a potato but sexy lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
- ghost mom (@radtoria) May 12, 2014
"How do you find anything in here?!" -my mugger, giving my purse back
- Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) October 21, 2015
lotta ways to show somebody you love them but letting them tell a story without saying 'you already told me this' has to be up there
- didi (@priya_ebooks) August 27, 2014
Yall... somebody came thru the body scanner and wouldn't raise her arms all the way.... she was hiding a McGriddle in her armpit.
- Wrap Queen (@missleighcarter) October 9, 2015
haha how about we make a pact if we're both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
- treasure✨ (@imteddybless) March 11, 2014
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.