-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Twitter1 of 20Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I read a book! Where's my personal pan pizza?
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Twitter2 of 20My kid asked me if I "do the sex." I asked how long he's been talking like a Russian immigrant. Then we stared at each other for a while.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Twitter3 of 20I get really uncomfortable when men have soft, bloody hands.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Twitter4 of 20A fly flew right into the toilet while I was peeing and died. Tell someone you love them before it's too late.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Twitter5 of 20It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter6 of 20DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter7 of 20For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter8 of 20You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter9 of 20My favorite episode of Dirty Jobs is the one about the guy who feeds peanut butter to the Kardashians so it looks like they're talking.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter10 of 20Subway should change their motto to "Fuck it, I guess I'll just go to Subway."
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter11 of 20I'd probably build more snowmen if they screamed when they melted.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter12 of 20Everyone working at Whole Foods looks like they were kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter13 of 20"I'll have a turkey, bacon, and avocado on wheat - and a bag of these COMPLIMENTARY chips." *discreetly lifts shirt revealing .38 in waistband*
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter14 of 20New Olympic event: Water Yolo. Everyone gets a knife.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter15 of 20One thing guys who spray cologne in their car always forget is to drive into a river.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter16 of 20I was going for "sexy librarian" with my new glasses but I ended up with "girl who served the punch at prom."
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter17 of 20Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter18 of 20I will take you under my wing as long as it doesn't bother you that I have a wing.
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter19 of 20"I've been training for the zombie apocalypse via xbox FOR YEARS."
-
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Twitter20 of 20Next: Last Week's Most Hilarious TweetsMy girlfriend is covered in bruises because she doesn't listen. I'm always like, "You're about to walk into a lamp!"
