It is the nature of our government to sometimes lose touch. They stray too far from the common man and forget we're living, breathing, warm-blooded humans in dire need of our liberty. Laws should never be girded too tight, as my homie Will Hunting put it. Hence, the following amendments would make for a better world. And if you have any objections, please, make yourself useful in the comments.
1. An American Autobahn
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, american autobahn]()
In Germany they have this thing called the Autobahn, where fast 'n' furious Franzes and Fritzes can speed to their hearts' desire. America is long overdue. Considering 95 percent of the U.S. is uninhabited rural space, couldn't we be a bit more open-minded?
I recently drove through Nevada, Nebraska and Iowa on a trip across the country, and holy bejesus, if only. At times during those long stretches of highway, I wished upon a star for an American Autobahn, anything to get me through that vast lonely wasteland known as the Central United States. If you've felt my pain, please contact your congressman. Together, we can build an Autobahn that would make Hitler's corpse jealous.
2. Freeing the nipple
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, freeing the nipple]()
Men can bust out their nips and let them harden in the wind, so why can't the ladies? As a feminist, it is my deepest lament that misogynist culture won't allow chicks to go topless. Our sexist social constructs deny men the right to view boobies-er, denies women the right to flop 'em out and let them jiggle. And this is very problematic. #FreeTheNipple.
3. Public drinking
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, public drinking]()
Las Vegas and New Orleans are ahead of the curve. Latvia is the only country in Europe with a ban on public drinking. Are we no better than Latvia? A friend of mine from Germany often tells tales of drinking in public. It makes me insanely jealous and wonder why America is considered a bastion of freedom if we can't even enjoy what the French can? I think it's about time we matured as a nation and let loose.
4. A right to your opinion without losing your job
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, a right to your opinion without losing your job]()
Here's the current state of our wonderfully open, connected, social media-driven culture: 1) Post an unpopular opinion online. 2) Attract legions of eternally offended sociopaths to post your job contact information. 3) Said eternally offended sociopaths flood your boss' inbox threatening to boycott because one of his employees said something mean. 4) Get fired.
Before you say it's the right of an organization to fire whomever for whatever reason, I agree. But let's establish some sort of common sense and remember that these people are bloodthirsty witch-hunters, and it's only getting worse.
5. Fireworks
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, fireworks]()
Life is boring enough as it is. Shouldn't grownups be allowed to light one off? If you've ever been through Tennessee you'll notice that highways are littered with stores that sell virtually every kind of firework. There are currently 24 states with restrictions. Let's learn from Tennessee's example (never thought I'd say that).
6. Peeing on pimps, paparazzi, and (paid for) politicians
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, peeing on pimps paparazzi and politicians]()
These people don't just deserve to be pissed on, they ASK to be pissed on. They know what they're doing and couldn't care less. Moreover, the fear of being peed on would discourage them from doing what they do. With a bit of urine, the world could be a better place. Alec Baldwin would agree.
7. Slapping an asshole on your birthday
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, slapping an asshole on your birthday]()
Just one asshole. Come on, it's my birthday. Consider it a soft purge to keep everyone on their best behavior.
8. Raping rapists
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, raping rapists]()
Rapists are the lowest form of psycho. And the only thing they understand is reciprocation. In my humblest opinion, those who rape should get raped. If it's understood that once convicted of rape, you will be raped with 10 times more gusto, less rape would happen. That logic is undeniable.
9. Extreme tailgating (if they're driving 10 mph under)
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, extreme tailgating]()
Remember how badly you wanted to tailgate that self-centered ass who might as well have been driving a rickshaw? Well, now you can. With my law, you must have photo evidence to verify the speed on the odometer before nudging up close and getting medieval with your horn.
10. Death row gladiators
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, death row gladiators]()
I'd wager at least 100 of the 3,000 on death row in the United States would like to go out in style. It's beneficial for everyone: we get to witness the hardest bastards on the planet duke it out and the proceeds go to their victims. If you think this is inhumane, remember that they would volunteer.
NBC presents "Death Row Gladiators." It's got a nice ring to it, huh?
11. Dueling (but no swords)
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, dueling]()
It makes no sense that two men can't legally agree to fight. There should be an app called "ScrapApp" where consenting individuals can digitally sign a contact to squash their beefs via throwing hands. After all, guys come to respect one another after they've beaten the shit out of each other. With legal dueling, we would have a much less passive-aggressive society.
12. Jaywalking
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, jaywalking]()
If it were legal to jaywalk, and even encouraged, it would be a win-win. You wouldn't get in trouble for crossing the street and dumb people with no spatial awareness would get "naturally selected." My logic is once again undeniable.
13. "Love tapping" those who text and drive
![government needs to legalize these 13 things, things that need to be legalized, love tapping those who text and drive]()
People who text and drive should be slapped. But unless it's your birthday - God willing - you don't have the legal wherewithal to do that. So I suggest "love tapping." Once you have the texter in your sights, get up real close and give his bumper a little tap. It'll let them know you're onto them. They'll quickly put away their phone and drive like a decent human being. With more than 400,000 people a year getting in texting-involved crashes, my love-tapping legislation would even save lives.
1. An American Autobahn
In Germany they have this thing called the Autobahn, where fast 'n' furious Franzes and Fritzes can speed to their hearts' desire. America is long overdue. Considering 95 percent of the U.S. is uninhabited rural space, couldn't we be a bit more open-minded?
I recently drove through Nevada, Nebraska and Iowa on a trip across the country, and holy bejesus, if only. At times during those long stretches of highway, I wished upon a star for an American Autobahn, anything to get me through that vast lonely wasteland known as the Central United States. If you've felt my pain, please contact your congressman. Together, we can build an Autobahn that would make Hitler's corpse jealous.
2. Freeing the nipple
Men can bust out their nips and let them harden in the wind, so why can't the ladies? As a feminist, it is my deepest lament that misogynist culture won't allow chicks to go topless. Our sexist social constructs deny men the right to view boobies-er, denies women the right to flop 'em out and let them jiggle. And this is very problematic. #FreeTheNipple.
3. Public drinking
Las Vegas and New Orleans are ahead of the curve. Latvia is the only country in Europe with a ban on public drinking. Are we no better than Latvia? A friend of mine from Germany often tells tales of drinking in public. It makes me insanely jealous and wonder why America is considered a bastion of freedom if we can't even enjoy what the French can? I think it's about time we matured as a nation and let loose.
4. A right to your opinion without losing your job
Here's the current state of our wonderfully open, connected, social media-driven culture: 1) Post an unpopular opinion online. 2) Attract legions of eternally offended sociopaths to post your job contact information. 3) Said eternally offended sociopaths flood your boss' inbox threatening to boycott because one of his employees said something mean. 4) Get fired.
Before you say it's the right of an organization to fire whomever for whatever reason, I agree. But let's establish some sort of common sense and remember that these people are bloodthirsty witch-hunters, and it's only getting worse.
5. Fireworks
Life is boring enough as it is. Shouldn't grownups be allowed to light one off? If you've ever been through Tennessee you'll notice that highways are littered with stores that sell virtually every kind of firework. There are currently 24 states with restrictions. Let's learn from Tennessee's example (never thought I'd say that).
6. Peeing on pimps, paparazzi, and (paid for) politicians
These people don't just deserve to be pissed on, they ASK to be pissed on. They know what they're doing and couldn't care less. Moreover, the fear of being peed on would discourage them from doing what they do. With a bit of urine, the world could be a better place. Alec Baldwin would agree.
7. Slapping an asshole on your birthday
Just one asshole. Come on, it's my birthday. Consider it a soft purge to keep everyone on their best behavior.
8. Raping rapists
Rapists are the lowest form of psycho. And the only thing they understand is reciprocation. In my humblest opinion, those who rape should get raped. If it's understood that once convicted of rape, you will be raped with 10 times more gusto, less rape would happen. That logic is undeniable.
9. Extreme tailgating (if they're driving 10 mph under)
Remember how badly you wanted to tailgate that self-centered ass who might as well have been driving a rickshaw? Well, now you can. With my law, you must have photo evidence to verify the speed on the odometer before nudging up close and getting medieval with your horn.
10. Death row gladiators
I'd wager at least 100 of the 3,000 on death row in the United States would like to go out in style. It's beneficial for everyone: we get to witness the hardest bastards on the planet duke it out and the proceeds go to their victims. If you think this is inhumane, remember that they would volunteer.
NBC presents "Death Row Gladiators." It's got a nice ring to it, huh?
11. Dueling (but no swords)
It makes no sense that two men can't legally agree to fight. There should be an app called "ScrapApp" where consenting individuals can digitally sign a contact to squash their beefs via throwing hands. After all, guys come to respect one another after they've beaten the shit out of each other. With legal dueling, we would have a much less passive-aggressive society.
12. Jaywalking
If it were legal to jaywalk, and even encouraged, it would be a win-win. You wouldn't get in trouble for crossing the street and dumb people with no spatial awareness would get "naturally selected." My logic is once again undeniable.
13. "Love tapping" those who text and drive
People who text and drive should be slapped. But unless it's your birthday - God willing - you don't have the legal wherewithal to do that. So I suggest "love tapping." Once you have the texter in your sights, get up real close and give his bumper a little tap. It'll let them know you're onto them. They'll quickly put away their phone and drive like a decent human being. With more than 400,000 people a year getting in texting-involved crashes, my love-tapping legislation would even save lives.