I'll save you the time of scrolling through that massive time suck we all know and love as Facebook. It's an all-consuming vortex that usually starts with you going to check one little thing then two hours later you look up and realize it's dark outside. If you want to check, be my guest, but here are the 12 things that are definitely on your Facebook timeline right now.
1. Your Cousin's Poignant Commentary on A Current News Story
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
This is the same cousin that peed the bed until he was 17 and refers to "Red Delicious Apples" as "Rad Deliberate Apples," but he read a single article about Syrian refugees and suddenly he's a political expert on social and economical consequences of international decisions. He also loves Tim Tebow.
2. Your Co-Worker's Vague Post About Her Ex
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
We all know what that ":(" status means, Stacy. We knew you broke up when all your profile pictures changed from you and Steve to you and a little piece of Steve's arm on the side of the pic that you couldn't crop out. That's all you had to post.
3. Your Other Co-Worker That Shares WAY Too Much About Their Breakup
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
On the other side of that, you've got your other co-worker that posts nine paragraphs about how his girlfriend left him and how every day is hell, along with intimate, personal details of their breakup. Then he follows it up with a selfie where he's smiling, but there's nothing but empty sorrow in his eyes. You're not fooling anybody, pal.
4. Your High School Friend's Game Request
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Nobody wants to play pirate's revenge or circus simulator or any other dumb Facebook game you're obsessed with instead of actually doing your job, Richard. Do something better with your life, bub.
5. Your Racist Uncle's Super Racist Meme
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
If there were any lingering questions about his rampant racism after this past Thanksgiving dinner, they've all been cleared up by this meme he just posted that's basically hate speech disguised as a joke. Who were you even following to come across this, Uncle Glen?
6. Your College Friend Is In Love...Again
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
She posts a picture with a different boyfriend every other week, which would be fine, if each one weren't accompanied by an inspirational quote about finding the love of your life and finally finding the one.
7. Your Cousin's Boring, Bland Dinner
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
Oh cool. Would you look at that? Denise made macaroni and cheese again. So glad she decided to share that with all of us. We were sitting on the edge of our seats wondering if Denise was gonna pull out the ol' M&C and now we finally have the answer!
8. Your Elderly Relative Trying To Complain to Windex
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
When Aunt Edna isn't leaving confused, embarrassing comments on your photos, she's lurking the official Windex Facebook page to let them know that it didn't get all the streaks out last week when she was cleaning her bathroom mirror. Stand tall Aunt Edna. Fight that good fight.
9. Your Friend's Selfie From the Gym
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
Hey look, your buddy Rick, who would be a CEO if he spent half as much time working as he does at the gym, posted yet ANOTHER sweaty selfie in the mirror at Planet Fitness. This one definitely looks totally different than the one he posted yesterday and every day before that.
10. Your Dumb Friend That Believes Everything on the Internet
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
Hey thanks for letting us know about Facebook Gold and the hidden camera inside everyone's printer that Bill Gates is using to learn all of our children's social security numbers. Those things are definitely real and if it weren't for you posting them, we'd all be in trouble.
11. Your Aunt Asking For Prayer
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
She doesn't say what it's for, but she always needs prayer. It's so cryptic and eerie that you can only assume means she's trying to hide a series of bodies from the police and wants your emotional support in her journey.
12. That Couple That Can't Just Text Each Other
![12 Things That Are Definitely on Your Facebook Timeline]()
We get it Justin and Pam, you're SO in love. You know instead of writing all those comments to each other on Facebook you could just text, right? Or better yet, just turn to him and say it to his face since you're probably sitting two feet from each other right now.
Related: What Your Facebook Timeline Will Probably Look Like After The Apocalypse
1. Your Cousin's Poignant Commentary on A Current News Story
This is the same cousin that peed the bed until he was 17 and refers to "Red Delicious Apples" as "Rad Deliberate Apples," but he read a single article about Syrian refugees and suddenly he's a political expert on social and economical consequences of international decisions. He also loves Tim Tebow.
2. Your Co-Worker's Vague Post About Her Ex
We all know what that ":(" status means, Stacy. We knew you broke up when all your profile pictures changed from you and Steve to you and a little piece of Steve's arm on the side of the pic that you couldn't crop out. That's all you had to post.
3. Your Other Co-Worker That Shares WAY Too Much About Their Breakup
On the other side of that, you've got your other co-worker that posts nine paragraphs about how his girlfriend left him and how every day is hell, along with intimate, personal details of their breakup. Then he follows it up with a selfie where he's smiling, but there's nothing but empty sorrow in his eyes. You're not fooling anybody, pal.
4. Your High School Friend's Game Request
Nobody wants to play pirate's revenge or circus simulator or any other dumb Facebook game you're obsessed with instead of actually doing your job, Richard. Do something better with your life, bub.
5. Your Racist Uncle's Super Racist Meme
If there were any lingering questions about his rampant racism after this past Thanksgiving dinner, they've all been cleared up by this meme he just posted that's basically hate speech disguised as a joke. Who were you even following to come across this, Uncle Glen?
6. Your College Friend Is In Love...Again
She posts a picture with a different boyfriend every other week, which would be fine, if each one weren't accompanied by an inspirational quote about finding the love of your life and finally finding the one.
7. Your Cousin's Boring, Bland Dinner
Oh cool. Would you look at that? Denise made macaroni and cheese again. So glad she decided to share that with all of us. We were sitting on the edge of our seats wondering if Denise was gonna pull out the ol' M&C and now we finally have the answer!
8. Your Elderly Relative Trying To Complain to Windex
When Aunt Edna isn't leaving confused, embarrassing comments on your photos, she's lurking the official Windex Facebook page to let them know that it didn't get all the streaks out last week when she was cleaning her bathroom mirror. Stand tall Aunt Edna. Fight that good fight.
9. Your Friend's Selfie From the Gym
Hey look, your buddy Rick, who would be a CEO if he spent half as much time working as he does at the gym, posted yet ANOTHER sweaty selfie in the mirror at Planet Fitness. This one definitely looks totally different than the one he posted yesterday and every day before that.
10. Your Dumb Friend That Believes Everything on the Internet
Hey thanks for letting us know about Facebook Gold and the hidden camera inside everyone's printer that Bill Gates is using to learn all of our children's social security numbers. Those things are definitely real and if it weren't for you posting them, we'd all be in trouble.
11. Your Aunt Asking For Prayer
She doesn't say what it's for, but she always needs prayer. It's so cryptic and eerie that you can only assume means she's trying to hide a series of bodies from the police and wants your emotional support in her journey.
12. That Couple That Can't Just Text Each Other
We get it Justin and Pam, you're SO in love. You know instead of writing all those comments to each other on Facebook you could just text, right? Or better yet, just turn to him and say it to his face since you're probably sitting two feet from each other right now.
Related: What Your Facebook Timeline Will Probably Look Like After The Apocalypse