Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
- Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) September 25, 2015
Romo continues to struggle with his accuracy https://t.co/7bKWFlA6Qi
- Thankful Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) November 26, 2015
Hi I'm Tristan, the toothless magician, and let me answer what most of you are probably wondering: no, I cannot make my teeth appear.
- Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 18, 2015
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
- PapeяWash(C) (@PaperWash) November 20, 2015
cornflakes is the best cereal that also sounds like a farmer's skin disease
- reverend scott (@ruinedpicnic) November 28, 2015
The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy, can't have too many enemies.
- maura quint (@behindyourback) March 30, 2015
[Rapper just destroys me w/ his verse] ME: [takes mic] Oh yeah, mm. Listen I barely cried at all. & the amount that I peed was pretty small
- Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) November 28, 2015
1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
- AnOnion (@onion_an) November 27, 2015
Worst haircut ever @GreatClips never going back there employees who were to busy trying to finish quick and clockout pic.twitter.com/1Wxc4EPf3u
- ethan e (@JetiJig) January 11, 2015
Make sure to specify that you "hate liars" in your dating profile, so you only have honest people contact you.
- The Guy (@theguydf) December 4, 2015
i don't get a lot of celeb lookalikes but i do get "you don't look so sick anymore." yknow who else looks not sick. famous hot models
- tara shoe (@tarashoe) November 23, 2015
My life is just like a Disney movie, one time I ate spaghetti in an alley
- Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 6, 2015
If the new Star Wars is good, I'll watch it five times and if it's bad I'll watch it three times
- Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 26, 2015
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I'd be a badass in any apocalypse.
- Z_Kit (@Zombie_Kitv2) January 22, 2015
[job fair, Starbucks booth] Rep: Interested in a career w/Starbucks? Whats ur name Brian. Ryland? Brian. Vibrant? Brian Nylon Br...
- Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) October 22, 2015
operators are standing by. they are standing. by. standing right by you. you are surrounded by operators.
- rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) August 12, 2015
[on date] *pulls out her chair* *orders for her* *eats her food* Sorry, I'm REALLY old fashioned.
- Robo-saurus❄️ (@ewfeez) March 18, 2015
"Endless shrimp" sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It's a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
- sicily (@toomanytoes) July 1, 2015
Maybe y'all should sit this one out RT @Redskins: Wishing you and your family a Happy #Thanksgiving. pic.twitter.com/FL6CKnPlyf
- L S V (@The__Tactician) November 26, 2015
[driving by Toys R Us] 5-year-old: What does that sign say? Me: Boring Calculator Store.
- Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2015
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.