In America, variety is the spice of life. There are so many facets of our culture that have been appropriated overseas that sometimes it seems as if we have no culture of our own. But we do, and never forget it. The following proves that, and represents the best and worst of this great nation we call home.
Flubber carts
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
Technically, this would qualify as fat-shaming, but rarely do you see obese scooterists packing their fat wagons with SlimFast and Richard Simmons DVDs. You see them everywhere - Target, Long John Silver's and beyond - rolling around with a pack of Honey Boo Boos in tow. Flubber carts are as American as apple pie and diabetes.
Deep-fried Twinkie burgers
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
In October 2013, a Philadelphia restaurant unleashed the Deep-Fried Twinkie Burger to roars of happy Walmart shoppers everywhere. This culinary delight includes a pork patty, extra bacon, American cheese and two cream-filled Twinkies. Heart-poppers such as these are the reason we are the second-fattest country in the world.
Risking life and limb to buy a TV
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
Black Friday shoppers never question whether their time is more valuable than their quest. In most cases, it isn't. They'd rather wait in line for hours, brave hundreds of idiots and possibly skirmish with a fellow SNAPCARD user over a Nintendo Wii that could've been bought online for less. If you're ever curious to see the worst American consumerism has to offer, go to Best Buy on the last Thursday of November.
Guns...lots of guns
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
Speaking of Black Friday, this year broke the record with an astounding 185,000 background checks on new gun sales. As a culture that descended from saying "go screw" to a government across the pond, it is now habit to say it whenever our government pisses us off. Namely, by stocking up like Rambo and considering living in the woods. It seems there's a lot of screwing going on in America, and we're only becoming more screwy as a result.
Dew abuse
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
If you don't think Dew abuse is a problem, look at Chris Whitley, a self-identified Dew-obsessed superfan who drinks 40 cans a week. He has "several Mountain Dew-themed t-shirts and hats and closely follows Dale Earnhardt Jr., the NASCAR driver and Mountain Dew spokesman." So what came first, the Dew or the Dale? All I know is that Mountain Dew is the third most popular drink in America, behind only Coke and Pepsi. It goes well with that deep-fried Twinkie burger, too.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
As the great Bill Burr once said, "That dude should be unloading trucks in Transylvania." Only in America is it possible for a man who sounds like he has marbles sewn inside his tongue to become a weightlifting champion, a Hollywood blockbuster actor and the governor of California. "But because he's a great man," continues Burr, "he had the balls to move to America." Because only in America could that happen.
So much porn
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
American porn sites receive more traffic than Amazon, Twitter, Netflix and YouTube combined. Even amateur porn is professional. With the average viewer watching 90 minutes a month, one could only imagine the habit of a hardcore aficionado.
One more statistic to satiate you: One in five men admit to watching porn at work. We just can't keep our hands out of the nookie jar.
RuPaul's "Drag Race"
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Saudi Arabia will be airing "I Am Cait" any time soon.
Pee-for-free bathrooms
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
Some countries have no toilets; others require payment. Europe, for example, is medieval with its public bathroom policies, rarely allowing No. 1 or No. 2 without charge. Thanks to the Committee to End Pay Toilets in America (CEPTIA), we don't have to pay to pee or poo. It's because of these noble pioneers of the past that we have these gifts today.
Instafame
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
You never know when or how it will happen, but thanks to social media, it's becoming easier to reach fame the likes of which you've never dreamed of...and lose it in a second. Of course, it's possible to achieve instant fame elsewhere, but no other place does it like the USA. Chris Crocker. Antoine Dodson. Sweet Brown. You can make an outrageous YouTube video or an Instagram gallery featuring your finest tit pics and be crowned king. Some Internet celebrities have found it impossible to live a normal life after becoming the hottest thing on the web.
Patriotism to the Nth degree
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
In countries like Germany, you're not allowed to like yourself. It's against the law, I think. But in America, you can fly your flag without even the slightest hint of guilt. The grand ol' USA has taken the idea of patriotism and reinvented it with Ron Swanson, Chuck Norris and cornhole.
A yardstick
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
We refuse the metric system. Americans are the only people (besides Liberians and Burmese) who measure their penises on the "inch side." I'm proud to be a rebel (even though I've always wanted to order a Royale with cheese).
Peanut butter
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
According to professional of marketing at Northwestern University Brian Sternthal, "In many parts of the world, peanut butter is regarded as an unpalatable American curiosity. The average European still eats less than one tablespoon of U.S. peanut butter in an entire year." Reading this as I was finishing my last spoonfull of PB for the day, I realized that I don't want to go to Europe anymore.
Pet-shaming
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
Not to be confused with fat-shaming or non-binary gender queer-shaming, pet-shaming involves either hanging a sign on your animal when they've done something wrong and taking a photo, or dressing up your pet like a hamster or parrot and parading it around on Halloween. For non-holidays, Americans simply dress up their pets like humans. And you can see the sadness in their eyes. According to the raw numbers, Americans spent $330 million on pet costumes in 2013.
50 shades of douchebaggery
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
There are more ways to be a douchebag than not to be a douchebag.
Free speech
![only in america, only in america will you find these things]()
While some people overseas are jailed for saying mean things on Facebook, here you can tweet the President whatever you'd like. To be perfectly honest, I'm just happy I can write articles like this without being sentenced to hard time on a salt mine (hello, North Korea).
Flubber carts
Technically, this would qualify as fat-shaming, but rarely do you see obese scooterists packing their fat wagons with SlimFast and Richard Simmons DVDs. You see them everywhere - Target, Long John Silver's and beyond - rolling around with a pack of Honey Boo Boos in tow. Flubber carts are as American as apple pie and diabetes.
Deep-fried Twinkie burgers
In October 2013, a Philadelphia restaurant unleashed the Deep-Fried Twinkie Burger to roars of happy Walmart shoppers everywhere. This culinary delight includes a pork patty, extra bacon, American cheese and two cream-filled Twinkies. Heart-poppers such as these are the reason we are the second-fattest country in the world.
Risking life and limb to buy a TV
Black Friday shoppers never question whether their time is more valuable than their quest. In most cases, it isn't. They'd rather wait in line for hours, brave hundreds of idiots and possibly skirmish with a fellow SNAPCARD user over a Nintendo Wii that could've been bought online for less. If you're ever curious to see the worst American consumerism has to offer, go to Best Buy on the last Thursday of November.
Guns...lots of guns
Speaking of Black Friday, this year broke the record with an astounding 185,000 background checks on new gun sales. As a culture that descended from saying "go screw" to a government across the pond, it is now habit to say it whenever our government pisses us off. Namely, by stocking up like Rambo and considering living in the woods. It seems there's a lot of screwing going on in America, and we're only becoming more screwy as a result.
Dew abuse
If you don't think Dew abuse is a problem, look at Chris Whitley, a self-identified Dew-obsessed superfan who drinks 40 cans a week. He has "several Mountain Dew-themed t-shirts and hats and closely follows Dale Earnhardt Jr., the NASCAR driver and Mountain Dew spokesman." So what came first, the Dew or the Dale? All I know is that Mountain Dew is the third most popular drink in America, behind only Coke and Pepsi. It goes well with that deep-fried Twinkie burger, too.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
As the great Bill Burr once said, "That dude should be unloading trucks in Transylvania." Only in America is it possible for a man who sounds like he has marbles sewn inside his tongue to become a weightlifting champion, a Hollywood blockbuster actor and the governor of California. "But because he's a great man," continues Burr, "he had the balls to move to America." Because only in America could that happen.
So much porn
American porn sites receive more traffic than Amazon, Twitter, Netflix and YouTube combined. Even amateur porn is professional. With the average viewer watching 90 minutes a month, one could only imagine the habit of a hardcore aficionado.
One more statistic to satiate you: One in five men admit to watching porn at work. We just can't keep our hands out of the nookie jar.
RuPaul's "Drag Race"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Saudi Arabia will be airing "I Am Cait" any time soon.
Pee-for-free bathrooms
Some countries have no toilets; others require payment. Europe, for example, is medieval with its public bathroom policies, rarely allowing No. 1 or No. 2 without charge. Thanks to the Committee to End Pay Toilets in America (CEPTIA), we don't have to pay to pee or poo. It's because of these noble pioneers of the past that we have these gifts today.
Instafame
You never know when or how it will happen, but thanks to social media, it's becoming easier to reach fame the likes of which you've never dreamed of...and lose it in a second. Of course, it's possible to achieve instant fame elsewhere, but no other place does it like the USA. Chris Crocker. Antoine Dodson. Sweet Brown. You can make an outrageous YouTube video or an Instagram gallery featuring your finest tit pics and be crowned king. Some Internet celebrities have found it impossible to live a normal life after becoming the hottest thing on the web.
Patriotism to the Nth degree
In countries like Germany, you're not allowed to like yourself. It's against the law, I think. But in America, you can fly your flag without even the slightest hint of guilt. The grand ol' USA has taken the idea of patriotism and reinvented it with Ron Swanson, Chuck Norris and cornhole.
A yardstick
We refuse the metric system. Americans are the only people (besides Liberians and Burmese) who measure their penises on the "inch side." I'm proud to be a rebel (even though I've always wanted to order a Royale with cheese).
Peanut butter
According to professional of marketing at Northwestern University Brian Sternthal, "In many parts of the world, peanut butter is regarded as an unpalatable American curiosity. The average European still eats less than one tablespoon of U.S. peanut butter in an entire year." Reading this as I was finishing my last spoonfull of PB for the day, I realized that I don't want to go to Europe anymore.
Pet-shaming
Not to be confused with fat-shaming or non-binary gender queer-shaming, pet-shaming involves either hanging a sign on your animal when they've done something wrong and taking a photo, or dressing up your pet like a hamster or parrot and parading it around on Halloween. For non-holidays, Americans simply dress up their pets like humans. And you can see the sadness in their eyes. According to the raw numbers, Americans spent $330 million on pet costumes in 2013.
50 shades of douchebaggery
There are more ways to be a douchebag than not to be a douchebag.
Free speech
While some people overseas are jailed for saying mean things on Facebook, here you can tweet the President whatever you'd like. To be perfectly honest, I'm just happy I can write articles like this without being sentenced to hard time on a salt mine (hello, North Korea).