Follow @robfee on Twitter.
No no, I said make sure the cookies are CHEWY. pic.twitter.com/822GTTSNQN
— BECKY (@beckyrrobinson) December 10, 2015
if I was a turtle I would turn my shell around and just sled everywhere
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 11, 2015
*camera cuts to me in crowd at NFL game holding a giant sign that says "I JUST HOPE THE TEAMS HAVE FUN"*
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) September 18, 2015
if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway
— wild thing jr. (@davedittell) December 12, 2015
Why sleep when you could be awake? You know, regretting.
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) December 12, 2015
[reading directions] These are probably garbage words, I'll just do what I, a moron, think
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 3, 2015
Tonight I met a 75y/o who could barely function & a 75y/o who just got married & toured europe which reminded me of my life goal: die at 45.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 12, 2015
and I'm digging my own grave pic.twitter.com/LwoVFacYg5
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) December 12, 2015
Guy next to me in coffee shop explaining how he plans to scam professor whose class he's skipped all semester. It is my class. ¯\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_(ツ)_/¯
— Mike Graziano (@grazmike) December 9, 2015
weird when 2 ppl u didn't know knew each other post pics on fb, turns out they been friends since 1986 and they were dead the whole time
— Max Landis (@Uptomyknees) December 12, 2015
me in a relationship pic.twitter.com/5VqqSgsABp
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) December 7, 2015
I get why some people are against gendering in cartoons but personally I need to know which anthropomorphic monster truck I'd have sex with.
— Timothy Simons (@timothycsimons) December 12, 2015
Imagine getting bad news in a sleeveless hoodie
— Carly Rae Jenkem (@eliyudin) June 23, 2015
[creating x-men] A wheelchair-bound visionary leads his people through a major conflict "That's literally WWII" Ok then...one guy has claws
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 14, 2015
911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 4, 2015
its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town
— wint (@dril) November 29, 2015
I'm buying my nephew another hen for Christmas pic.twitter.com/7rrfNUlBVe
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) December 13, 2015
Don't date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he'll still be a man, and you'll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
— Flaniz Navidad (@imdaintyaf) December 7, 2015
"I'm gonna take ur picture" Wait, I'm not rea- [click] pic.twitter.com/J3uPpVF3Nq
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) December 12, 2015
The only #DonaldTrump gif you need pic.twitter.com/Mdb2912mSa
— Declan Cashin (@Tweet_Dec) December 11, 2015
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.